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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Aphrodite on November 15, 2004, at 20:21:16
In reply to I did it. I fired her., posted by crushedout on November 15, 2004, at 19:23:18
Try not to look back right now. You can do that when you're stronger. Just look forward. Think about your new T and Thursday. Focus ahead. You "sound" so much better. It seems like a very, very healthy move.
Posted by crushedout on November 15, 2004, at 20:42:04
In reply to Re: I did it. I fired her. » crushedout, posted by Aphrodite on November 15, 2004, at 20:21:16
Thanks, Aphrodite. I guess you're right, and I think that's what I'm doing. I'm looking forward to the sessions with the new T, and other things in my life (going on vacation next week).I made the extra session with her this week, in part because I knew I'd be firing my old T, and also because next week I'll be gone. I think it's good that I'm seeing her twice this week. I probably need it.
Posted by tryingtobewise on November 15, 2004, at 21:14:44
In reply to I did it. I fired her., posted by crushedout on November 15, 2004, at 19:23:18
Hi Crushed...
Nice work. Maybe you don't feel much right now because you've already given this so much thought and "feeling". It isn't like you made this decision lightly. If feelings come later...fine. But if not, don't second guess yourself about why they aren't. One thing I continuously try to learn & put into practice (much easier said then done), is that not everything has to become dramatic. Some things just "are" and that is ok.
:) Kim
Just my thoughts.
Posted by crushedout on November 15, 2004, at 22:11:50
In reply to Re: I did it. I fired her., posted by tryingtobewise on November 15, 2004, at 21:14:44
Kim,Good thoughts. I hope I never have to feel much more about this. I've already suffered a lot. But I'm *afraid* it will hit me like a ton of bricks at some point and it's going to be hard. I hope you're right and it won't be all that dramatic. That would be good.
Posted by gardenergirl on November 15, 2004, at 22:25:11
In reply to Re: I did it. I fired her. » Aphrodite, posted by crushedout on November 15, 2004, at 20:42:04
I agree that you sound quite positive and forward-looking. And I think your decision to make an appt. with your new T this week was a good one. I hope you have a lovely vacation and that you feel free to enjoy it.
What a long way you've come!
Take care,
gg
Posted by crushedout on November 15, 2004, at 22:34:23
In reply to Re: I did it. I fired her. » crushedout, posted by gardenergirl on November 15, 2004, at 22:25:11
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 16, 2004, at 8:23:20
In reply to I did it. I fired her., posted by crushedout on November 15, 2004, at 19:23:18
Crushed,
I am SO proud of you! Be strong, girl!
Posted by Rigby on November 16, 2004, at 9:53:58
In reply to I did it. I fired her., posted by crushedout on November 15, 2004, at 19:23:18
Hi Crushed,
Wow--this is really good progress. It was a great idea to see someone else. And your note to her was great (maybe we should publish it a book of "Dear T" letters?? ;) )
Regarding not feeling much or not being as devastated as you would have anticipated, I think alot of what you've been doing over the past weeks and months has almost been like "pre-grieving"--you've cried and agonized alot--maybe that's where most of it was done. Anyway, that's just to say that maybe the worst of this storm has passed.
Anyway,I still haven't been back to my therapist either. 'Tis the season, eh?
Hugs,
Rigby
> I just did it in an email. I don't feel anything. I'm not crying. I feel pretty numb. I hope that wasn't too impulsive.
>
> It was right after my session with the new T and we sort of figured out this was probably what I wanted to do. It wasn't exactly final. Well, here is what I wrote:
>
> "Hi [Ellen],
>
> "I've decided it's not a good idea for me to see you this week. I'm not sure what else to say. I don't really expect you to hold my appointments for me indefinitely, and at this point, I honestly think it's unlikely I will be coming back. Ideally, I would like to have more time to sort through things before making that decision, but I don't want to leave you hanging, so please do whatever you need to.
>
> "I thank you so much for everything you've given me over the past two and a half years. I hope I can, at some point, thank you more fully and share with you what has brought me to this point. I think you deserve an explanation. I just need to take care of myself right now and can't focus on offering you one. I'm sorry.
>
> "All my best,
>
> [crushedout]"
>
> And then I just basically hit "send" and that was it. And then I wrote this post. And there you have it. It's done. I wish I knew what I was feeling. Is this going to hit me later?
>
> I have another appointment with the new T on Thursday.
Posted by crushedout on November 16, 2004, at 11:45:32
In reply to Re: I did it. I fired her. » crushedout, posted by Rigby on November 16, 2004, at 9:53:58
...for your support and patience with me in this process. It's been a long haul. (And I realize it may not be completely over yet....)
Posted by shrinking violet on November 16, 2004, at 12:28:34
In reply to Thank you, all of you...., posted by crushedout on November 16, 2004, at 11:45:32
{{{{Crushed}}}}
You've come a long way! You're making a positive step in releasing yourself from this T. I wish you all the best in the coming weeks, and remember we're here (as well as your new T) if you need anything. <3
Be well.
SV
Posted by Daisym on November 16, 2004, at 12:56:25
In reply to Thank you, all of you...., posted by crushedout on November 16, 2004, at 11:45:32
(((Crushed)))
I know how hard that was for you. Has she contacted you?
Keep getting help for yourself. You will make it through this. You are very brave. I'm sure it hurts a ton, even if it is the right thing to do.
Posted by crushedout on November 16, 2004, at 13:01:27
In reply to Re: Thank you, all of you.... » crushedout, posted by Daisym on November 16, 2004, at 12:56:25
I'm kind of surprised that I didn't have an email from her this morning. But I expect I'll hear from her in the next few days. If not, I'll probably be hurt, but it might be for the best.I feel like the way I fired her (in an email, sort of out of the blue (for her), without explaining myself) was pretty cold. I imagine it was fairly hurtful to her. But I had to do it that way -- for me. If she's cold back, I guess I'll have to understand that.
Posted by pegasus on November 16, 2004, at 14:40:11
In reply to no, she hasn't » Daisym, posted by crushedout on November 16, 2004, at 13:01:27
Good for you for doing this. I know what you've gone through to get to this point. I have to say that I agree that it sounds like a good step.
And I wanted to say that I don't think your email sounds cold, or necessarily final, or out of the blue at all. You sound very concerned about her. If she responds coldly, then it'll be hard for you, but it'll just show that she's letting her own stuff get in the way of your best interests, which a good therapist would stive to never do.
Hang in there, and keep us updated on how you're feeling about this as time goes on.
pegasus
Posted by fallsfall on November 16, 2004, at 15:21:24
In reply to I did it. I fired her., posted by crushedout on November 15, 2004, at 19:23:18
I'm really proud of you.
I have to read with an 8 year old. I'll post later.
Stay strong. This seems like the right thing for you.
Falls.
Posted by JenStar on November 16, 2004, at 15:30:47
In reply to I did it. I fired her., posted by crushedout on November 15, 2004, at 19:23:18
To me, the message sounds open-ended since you're leaving the ball in her court ("do whatever you need to do.")
What would you do if she suggested that you come back in again?
JenStar
Posted by Dinah on November 16, 2004, at 17:36:59
In reply to I did it. I fired her., posted by crushedout on November 15, 2004, at 19:23:18
You know, I can't say enough good things about seeking consultation from time to time. It's great at helping people sort out what they really feel. Sometimes because the consultant is really accurate. And sometimes because the consultant is so wrong that you have an intense reaction in the opposite direction (that's what happened with me).
Posted by crushedout on November 16, 2004, at 18:20:06
In reply to Re: I did it. I fired her. » crushedout, posted by JenStar on November 16, 2004, at 15:30:47
> To me, the message sounds open-ended since you're leaving the ball in her court ("do whatever you need to do.")
>
> What would you do if she suggested that you come back in again?I think I would probably tell her I need time to think about that, and then talk to my new T before I decided how to respond. I'd probably ask you guys what you thought also.
Posted by crushedout on November 16, 2004, at 23:18:46
In reply to Re: I did it. I fired her. » JenStar, posted by crushedout on November 16, 2004, at 18:20:06
I woke up this morning and didn't even check my email because I didn't want to get an email from her and have it ruin my day. Which I thought was very mature and reserved of me. But that self has disintegrated and I've resorted to checking my email every thirty seconds, googling her again (I hadn't done that in a couple months), and I even started googling my new therapist and obsessing about her. I'm not sure why I'm doing this but it feels compulsive and unhealthy and I wish I could focus on something else.How to stop?
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 17, 2004, at 10:08:51
In reply to obsession, posted by crushedout on November 16, 2004, at 23:18:46
Crushed,
I 'm going to try a little CBT/REBT on you. ONe thing I have learned the past year is to stop awfulizing or catastrophizing things. So while you feel obsessed, you probably feel that that is AWFUL and that you SHOULDN'T feel that way.
So, instead of saying to yourself, "This is terrible, I'm obsessing again and behaving poorly and not like how I would like to. This is the worst."
TRy to replace it with "Ok, so I'm obsessing again. While I prefer not to feel this way, it's not the worst thing in the world. I've done it before and come out the other end. Who says I SHOULDN'T be obsessing? Where is that written in stone? It isn't."
Once you take the shoulds off yourself and others, things become much easier.
I'm sorry if I sound idiotic. I'm just telling you what works for me and hope it may work for you.
Posted by crushedout on November 17, 2004, at 11:00:19
In reply to Re: obsession, posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 17, 2004, at 10:08:51
You don't sound idiotic, Miss Honeychurch. What you say actually makes a lot of sense. I shouldn't judge myself so much for that. I'm still doing pretty well.
Posted by fallsfall on November 17, 2004, at 11:20:35
In reply to obsession, posted by crushedout on November 16, 2004, at 23:18:46
(((((Crushed)))))
My therapist didn't respond to my "Dear Jill" voicemail. It drove me crazy. I wanted her to call and say "What are you doing? Come back in and talk to me about this. I can't live without you [yes, I wanted HER to say this]" I was devistated that I meant so little to her that she would just let me go without a fight. I wanted to say goodbye, but I absolutely had no idea how to do that - should I tell her I loved her? should I tell her that I was so incredibly angry? Should I tell her I was afraid to leave? I think that the fact that I really had no idea what to say - what I wanted to say - really helped the first few days. Because I was so confused about what I wanted to say/wanted to happen that it helped me to push it off a little while until I was more in control of how I was feeling. Does this sound like what you are going through?
What ended up happening was that I started seeing my current therapist twice a week. And we talked about her. We talked about nothing else - just her.
When I left her my voice mail, I fully expected that I would *have* to (be required to, not have an option about) see her one more time. That's what happens in therapy, right? You see them one last time to tie things up. I was terrified of seeing her. She hurt me so much that I didn't think I would have any control over myself and that was terrifying (to a good control freak like me). We probably spent three weeks talking about what I would say to her/what I wanted her to say to me. During that time I was starting to calm down a little. I hadn't talked to her in a while - and I was surviving. One session we got to the "But I don't think I can face her again" part, and I finally figured out that it might be OK to not face her again. That maybe I *didn't* have to have that "last session". I really didn't want to see her, but I thought I *had* to. But my new therapist gave me permission to not see her again.
What a relief! I didn't have to follow the "rules" if the rules weren't good for me (gee, what a concept!). Then we were able to start moving on from her to talking about me, and we started (3 or 4 weeks into therapy) to do some "history".
She works in the same office as my psychiatrist, so I knew that I would see her at some point, but that is a story for another day.
I know it is hard (boy do I know...). But you took a lot of time and effort and research (i.e. talking to us, your ex, your new/transitional therapist) to come to this decision. Hold fast to the decision for now. Know that you can always change your mind later - but hold fast to it for now.
In retrospect, I am REALLY glad that she didn't call me back and ask to see me again. I think that her not calling was actually professional competence (but it still hurts that she didn't call...). I think it would have been harder for me if she did call. I do (now) believe that she cares about me [gee, I'm tearing up just writing this now - 18 months later]. But she wasn't the right one to help me. Sigh.
So, how do you get through this? See your transitional therapist. Decide with her if you will stay with her, or find a permanent therapist. Try to convince yourself that if your old therapist doesn't call that she is being professionally competent - not that she doesn't care. If she DOES call, tell her you are working with your transitional therapist, and that if it seems appropriate in the future that you will call and schedule another session with her.
Post on Babble, Post on Babble, Post on Babble. Tell your ex what you are doing so he can say "Good. That is a good thing to be doing." Don't try to talk about this with people who haven't been in longterm therapy... they won't have a clue. But we do. And I do. My email is babble fallsfall - it is a hotmail account - or babblemail works, too.
I survived. And I'm really glad I changed therapists. So it can be a good thing - it can be the right thing. Be nice to yourself. This is the time to eat lots of ice cream, and do what YOU want to do (even if people give you strange looks). What are you doing for your vacation? Are you going somewhere? With people you like? Will you have internet access (if not, go to the public library wherever you end up on vacation - they should have public access internet)? This is one of those "one day at a time" kinds of things. Make sure you have an appointment with your transitional therapist for when you get back from vacation (I *always* do better if I have a future appointment, so I know I just have to survive until then). Ask her if you can call (and discuss logistics - should you call at a particular time? If you call how long will it take for her to call back? How long will she be willing to talk on the phone? Will she charge you (if it is a long enough call to do much good, she will charge you - this is OK. Then you don't have to feel like you are imposing on her)?)
Post, post, post.
You can do this. I'll help.
Posted by sunny10 on November 17, 2004, at 11:21:12
In reply to Re: obsession » Miss Honeychurch, posted by crushedout on November 17, 2004, at 11:00:19
remember, too, while that googling the old T is pointless right now (but NOT abnormal), try to think of googling the new T as advocating for yourself.
It IS important that you know enough about a new T to make yourself comfortable enough to work with them.
Some "obsessions" are actually good for us.
Don't beat yourself up so much- letting go of old habits and starting newer, healthier ones is still a scary time. You have a right to feel this way.
Nothing you are doing sounds "wrong" to me.
Just think, you'll actually be able to have a good start with the new T, having read up on her!
And give yourself permission to "be", in any way that helps you to help yourself like you obviously are by starting with a new T.
-sunny10
Posted by fallsfall on November 17, 2004, at 11:29:24
In reply to obsession, posted by crushedout on November 16, 2004, at 23:18:46
P.S. How to stop -
Distraction, Distraction, Distraction.
See all of the movies that you've been meaning to see - in the theatre, on tape, on TV.
If you have friends who will do things with you ask them to drag you out of the house.
Try to limit the times you check your email - if you have it set to automatically notify you when you have new mail, turn that off. When you are online you can Babble, play games, chat with friends, go to chat rooms, read whatever you want - but only check your email at set times.
Do whatever makes it so you can get through this time (my best distraction was always reading psychology/therapy books from the university - I think that lots of the time I wasn't retaining ANYTHING that I read - I was just decoding the words one at a time. But it made me *feel* like I was doing something productive (finding my own cure?). I don't really recommend this technique. But my point is that whatever you find helps get you through doesn't have to have *value* in and of itself - the value is that it helps you survive through this period.)
There have been many posts on Babble about "What to do when you need distraction". You can probably find mine by searching for "swings" or "bubbles". Or check out "The woman's comfort book".
Let me know how it goes.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 17, 2004, at 16:43:00
In reply to Re: obsession » crushedout, posted by fallsfall on November 17, 2004, at 11:29:24
Yay, I am so proud of you for the letter! Well done. I too have a habit of obsessing a bit... But maybe you will be able to work through that with your new T? Your old one didn't seem to be too helpful in that respect, but hopefully your new one will be much better for you.
My thoughts are with you at this hard time.
I hope you have a wonderful holiday :-)
Posted by crushedout on November 17, 2004, at 19:34:41
In reply to Re: obsession » crushedout, posted by fallsfall on November 17, 2004, at 11:29:24
Eeek. I'm kind of freaking out. I'll post more soon.
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