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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Raindancer on April 17, 2004, at 13:02:58
I saw my T yesterday after many weeks and was completely out of control, crying and virtually begging for his love. I think I've mentioned before that he has been talking about termination in the near future due to work changes etc. This led to high anxiety on my part and inevitably to accompanying depression (for which I am taking Seroxat (Paxil) 30 mg). I have also lost my Dad, Uncle, ex Husband and a close friend in the past year. When I think of separation from my T I feel stark terror and become two again and can't regain any sort of equalibrium. It affects me physically with nausea and stomach pain. we talked for some time (I felt so humiliated that I couldn't act with any dignity) and he indicated that he might be able to arrange something with me to take me through to the end of my training course (2 years), but that it would perhaps be infrequent and less intense. My gut feeling is that it would help to get to know him better (perhaps in a group) and the infrequency of the sessions seems to add to the problem (I get very intense - he becomes unavailable and I panic). I can't understand why I get like this . I know he will always be there for me by letter and has been a super therapist (Phone calls are impracticeable but possible in a real emergency). I just can't accept myself and feel that if I lose him I shall lose everything.
But now I feel really ashamed - he has tried so hard and now feel I am pressuring him to keep me when he might rather not. Also I am taking a place that someone else might need more. I've been in therapy for three years with mostly 2 or 3 weeks in between - sometimes longer. I have been dxd as Avoidant PD with marked Borderline, Dependant and Obsessive traits, which i more or less agree with. My T thinks it would be helpful to see a Pdoc for the depression (see my GP at the moment).
We have had a really good relationship up until now and I wanted to end with all well between us (but I don't ever want it to end - not really, but know it must), but I feel that I'm spoiling it with my demands and childish behaviour. I'm far too old for this - I wanted him to see what I could become but at present I'm a mess. The hope of continued contact is a relief to me but I am beating myself up for being a drag on him.
He asked if I wanted to see someone else, but as my presenting problem was attachment (to my old GP) I don't see the point. Maybe the same thing could happen again? I have come a long way in therapy but can't love myself and can't accept his regard for me although I want to so badly. I am just terrified of being abandoned by him even though I can rationalise all of this and know he cares - or hope and pray he still does.
Sometimes I feel I should cut and run, but i have nowhere to go and feel I would always be looking for him. He knows more about me than anyone else ever will (I am too proud and ashamed to let the world in general know how I feel) and I know I shall always care for him. It has helped just to write this down - thank you all for reading it. I would be really pleased if you can help at all. R
Posted by Dinah on April 17, 2004, at 13:31:10
In reply to Confused, unhappy, upset...ashamed. (long), posted by Raindancer on April 17, 2004, at 13:02:58
Don't be ashamed! You were honest with your therapist, completely honest. That's what therapy is supposed to be, so you should be feeling proud at a job well done.
If you're not ready to leave therapy, you're not ready. And they're not mind readers. In the end, you can judge that better than he can. You've had a lot of losses, and you aren't ready for another one. Nothing to be ashamed of there, either.
I'm never leaving my therapist of my own free will. There aer other therapists out there even if he were fully booked. I'm not depriving anyone else by having my needs met. Do you feel like his suggestion for spacing of sessions will meet your needs? Is he willing to be flexible about it? Don't be afraid to ask for what you need. The worst that can happen is that you can hear no.
OK, that's what my therapist always says, but I think it's cr*p. Hearing no from someone who means a lot to you feels awful.
So maybe you could explore the subject without actually asking the question and see what his attitudes are.
And don't worry about feeling needy and attached. If we weren't we wouldn't be in therapy to begin with.
Posted by DaisyM on April 17, 2004, at 14:52:51
In reply to Confused, unhappy, upset...ashamed. (long), posted by Raindancer on April 17, 2004, at 13:02:58
Raindancer,
I am truly sorry for what you are going through. Please don't minimize how painful seperating from your Therapist "should" be...especially since you've experienced so much other loss this year.
I know that attachment is a core issue for you (me too). But maybe transfering that attachment to another Therapist for awhile and then working back out of it might be a good idea. Then you would have the support you need to get through the reality of your Therapist leaving. He does sound like he is trying to meet your needs and you have no reason to be ashamed of them. They are what they are.
A few months ago someone posted a link to a great article on attachment. I will look for it. It helped me a great deal understand my need for a "safe base" and why I can be so competent in one arena and such a little kid in therapy. I think you might find some solace in that too.
Distraction is the key to getting through. I know you know this...and try NOT to be alone too much. Other people, even in cyber space, really really help.
Keep posting. I'm thinking of you.
Daisy
Posted by fallsfall on April 17, 2004, at 22:10:44
In reply to Confused, unhappy, upset...ashamed. (long), posted by Raindancer on April 17, 2004, at 13:02:58
Abandonment issues are SO hard. Don't be ashamed. You need to talk really openly about this with your therapist to decide if he can get you to the end, or if you should change to someone else. He won't be *surprised* by the intensity of you fears. You are probably a lot more surprised than the is. But if you can really talk about it, I really think that it will help.
Good luck.
Posted by Raindancer on April 18, 2004, at 17:56:19
In reply to Re: Confused, unhappy, upset...ashamed. (long) » Raindancer, posted by Dinah on April 17, 2004, at 13:31:10
Dinah, thanks for always being there for me. I really want to go to the end with my T and am only grateful that he will try to work something out. I can't see it being as often as I would like but I am grateful that he seems prepared to see me at all. What I feel goes beyond transference but I shall have to deal with that. I feel very shaky about this. What if I get to the end of the time and find I can't cope any better than I am now? A major thing is my black and white thinking - I felt much better earlier today but tonight my husband brought up a grudge he has from two years ago and I immediately sank to the bottom again. I long to feel OK - not happy, not sad, just OK. Thanks for everything. R
Posted by Raindancer on April 18, 2004, at 18:45:35
In reply to Re: Confused, unhappy, upset...ashamed. (long), posted by DaisyM on April 17, 2004, at 14:52:51
Daisy, I really appreciate your help. You give so much even when you're not feeling so good yourself. I wish you lived next door and we could have coffee and buns together.
I could see someone else, but would have to see the person I was 'given' and who might not be right for me. Let me be more honest - I would fly to the north Pole to see my present T and can't envisage anyone else coming close. If all else fails I would see a private T for short term therapy, which would be all I can afford. While I feel my T doesn't realise or understand the depth and intensity of my fears, he has acknowledged my pain by trying to put something in place for me and this is important .
If you can find the article about attachment I would be very grateful as I think it would be an enormous help.
You mention distraction and how I agree. The trouble is I distract myself so much that I allow almost no time to think about the issues involved. I sort of turn my back on them and pretend they're not there.. Hope things are improved with you. Many thanks. R
Posted by DaisyM on April 18, 2004, at 18:47:12
In reply to Re: Confused, unhappy, upset...ashamed. (long), posted by DaisyM on April 17, 2004, at 14:52:51
I hope you are feeling somewhat better today.
Here is the link to the article I mentioned above:
http://www.trauma-pages.com/steele-2001.htmthere are other good articles at this site as well.
Daisy
Posted by Raindancer on April 18, 2004, at 18:54:30
In reply to Re: Confused, unhappy, upset...ashamed. (long) » Raindancer, posted by fallsfall on April 17, 2004, at 22:10:44
Thanks Falls. When I see my T in three weeks I will be totally honest, although I do cringe at some of the things I come out with. Will let you know what happens!
Posted by Raindancer on April 19, 2004, at 17:25:49
In reply to Article - Raindancer, posted by DaisyM on April 18, 2004, at 18:47:12
Hello Daisy. Yes, I do feel better today. Thanks for the article, which was helpful. Ther's a lot to think about. Hope you are OK. I often think of you.
Raindancer
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