Posted by Raindancer on April 17, 2004, at 13:02:58
I saw my T yesterday after many weeks and was completely out of control, crying and virtually begging for his love. I think I've mentioned before that he has been talking about termination in the near future due to work changes etc. This led to high anxiety on my part and inevitably to accompanying depression (for which I am taking Seroxat (Paxil) 30 mg). I have also lost my Dad, Uncle, ex Husband and a close friend in the past year. When I think of separation from my T I feel stark terror and become two again and can't regain any sort of equalibrium. It affects me physically with nausea and stomach pain. we talked for some time (I felt so humiliated that I couldn't act with any dignity) and he indicated that he might be able to arrange something with me to take me through to the end of my training course (2 years), but that it would perhaps be infrequent and less intense. My gut feeling is that it would help to get to know him better (perhaps in a group) and the infrequency of the sessions seems to add to the problem (I get very intense - he becomes unavailable and I panic). I can't understand why I get like this . I know he will always be there for me by letter and has been a super therapist (Phone calls are impracticeable but possible in a real emergency). I just can't accept myself and feel that if I lose him I shall lose everything.
But now I feel really ashamed - he has tried so hard and now feel I am pressuring him to keep me when he might rather not. Also I am taking a place that someone else might need more. I've been in therapy for three years with mostly 2 or 3 weeks in between - sometimes longer. I have been dxd as Avoidant PD with marked Borderline, Dependant and Obsessive traits, which i more or less agree with. My T thinks it would be helpful to see a Pdoc for the depression (see my GP at the moment).
We have had a really good relationship up until now and I wanted to end with all well between us (but I don't ever want it to end - not really, but know it must), but I feel that I'm spoiling it with my demands and childish behaviour. I'm far too old for this - I wanted him to see what I could become but at present I'm a mess. The hope of continued contact is a relief to me but I am beating myself up for being a drag on him.
He asked if I wanted to see someone else, but as my presenting problem was attachment (to my old GP) I don't see the point. Maybe the same thing could happen again? I have come a long way in therapy but can't love myself and can't accept his regard for me although I want to so badly. I am just terrified of being abandoned by him even though I can rationalise all of this and know he cares - or hope and pray he still does.
Sometimes I feel I should cut and run, but i have nowhere to go and feel I would always be looking for him. He knows more about me than anyone else ever will (I am too proud and ashamed to let the world in general know how I feel) and I know I shall always care for him. It has helped just to write this down - thank you all for reading it. I would be really pleased if you can help at all. R
poster:Raindancer
thread:337177
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040409/msgs/337177.html