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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by KindGirl on April 13, 2004, at 1:27:42
Has anyone here suffered from abuse as an infant or a very young child? Apparently I have. I say apparently because obviously I didn't know any other way of being in the world, I just learned at a very very young at to be very very good and to never cry and never fuss and never ask for anything. I thought that was good, but my t is telling me that the things I tell her about my earliest memories (sitting in bed, wide awake as an infant/toddler for hours on end...wondering if my mom was ever going to come, and she wasn't, or if she did she was pissed off and jerked me around.) She admitted several times to leaving me with the neighbor girl who was 12 years old since I was about a month old because I bonded better with the neighbor girl. One of the last emails she sent me (reaming me about what a horrid, wretched person I am) she actually put in writing how she never knew how to mother me, how I was such a good baby and did so much better with the neighbor girl and how she never held me....(that was so good to have in writing to show my t, and I guess that is a plus about that letter).
Anyway, I am rambling here. My t. says I was dissociated as an infant when I tell her the memories I have and the reports my relatives tell me about how I was (they thought I was retarded because I just sat in one place and never cried or moved). I found a picture of me at around 6 months of age (the only picture I have of me as a child) and I showed it to my t. and she said I looked scared. I never saw that before. I look at my children's infant pictures and they are giggling or goofing off...never staring out into space like I was.
The reason I write to all of you here is for help. I have been in t. now 2 years, this is my first t. encounter, and all sorts of things are flying around now and erupting out of me and I am confused and need your wisdom and/or thoughts.
I miss my t. terribly when I am not with her. She is the t. who holds me every week if you remember me posting earlier. She encourages me to listen to that little part of me, and it was that little part of me who told her I wanted to be held all the time. She has no problem with that. She says I need to stay with what is real and what is really going on inside.
Since I never had any nurture or kindness from any female in my life, I don't know how to handle all of this. It feels so wonderful to the deepest part of my heart, like a Hershey's chocolate melting in my mouth, but the times between sessions are excruciating. Am I feeling the feelings I should have felt as a very young child who is crying for her mommy? That is what it feels like. I cry for her, my t, and I want her to come pick me up. The problem is she is an hour away and I see her once a week and I really have no contact in between sessions.
Plus, if I were to tell her how much I miss her and how I cry for her when I am not with her I immediately feel weird and psycho and like a freak who will scare her away. She has said before I won't scare her away with whatever I say, but I really feel nuts on this one.
Any thoughts? Thanks for listening...
Posted by gardenergirl on April 13, 2004, at 4:07:57
In reply to Infant abuse (ramble)...may trigger (?), posted by KindGirl on April 13, 2004, at 1:27:42
KG,
Sorry you are going through such turmoil right now. It sounds like you are getting something really special from your T, and of course an hour a week doesn't sound like enough. I am wondering, given what you have written and your T
's style, if she actually would be pleased to hear about how you crave her and miss her so much between sessions. It may be exactly what you were saying, like an infant crying for mother. There comes a time when the infant needs to be able to go longer and longer with needs being unmet, so that they start to be able to tolerate a multitude of feelings and to develop more self-sufficiency about emotions. Perhaps your T is trying to give you the opportunity to work through that now, as excruciating as it is???I'm just writing off the cuff here, but that is how your post guided my thinking. But I could also be way off base.
In the meantime, no substitute, I know, but the thought is real...(((KindGirl)))
gg
Posted by antigua on April 13, 2004, at 7:14:50
In reply to Infant abuse (ramble)...may trigger (?), posted by KindGirl on April 13, 2004, at 1:27:42
Yes, I can relate, so please don't feel like you are alone. I can remember laying in the crib waiting for my mother, just like you, to come and pick me up, but she didn't. I was left in the bed for very long periods of time and apparently no one seemed to notice. I find it interesting (and somewhat distressing) to know that I can actually remember this when there are such big portions of my life that I don't.
I learned to be very, very quiet and to not cause any trouble. My mother says I never cried, but to me as a mother today that's a huge warning sign.
IMO you are reaching out to your T to get that love and nurturing you didn't receive. You're lucky to have a T who will try to provide that for you as an adult. Some Ts believe that we have to learn to accomodate and find other ways to get what we never had has a child; otherwise, we will keep trying to get it from other people and keep repeating the same patterns. Your T wants to help "fix it" or perhaps, to reparent you. Use what she has to offer and work through it, you've been given a great opportunity to heal.
Please don't feel like you are alone,
antigua
Posted by tabitha on April 13, 2004, at 10:44:33
In reply to Infant abuse (ramble)...may trigger (?), posted by KindGirl on April 13, 2004, at 1:27:42
what you are going through must be confusing and painful, but it sounds to me like a deep healing experience. You're accessing those old feelings, and what's better, getting some of those old needs met. If you can bring yourself to tell your therapist what you feel between sessions it might make you feel even more secure with her. I have a feeling she'd respond compassionately. You also might ask her what to expect over time. If she has experience with this type of reparenting before, she might be able to give you some idea of what to expect from the process.
Posted by noa on April 13, 2004, at 11:09:06
In reply to Infant abuse (ramble)...may trigger (?), posted by KindGirl on April 13, 2004, at 1:27:42
KG, you should definitely talk to her about the feelings. That is what is going to help you heal. Yes, the hugs feel therapeutic, etc. but in the long run, being able to talk about the feelings toward her I think will be what you have to do to process all of this.
I can relate. My situation was not anywhere near as awful as yours, but my mother also always liked to tell me I had been such a "good baby" because I never cried. That's a myth if I ever heard one. My mother was probably an adequate mom to me as a baby, but throughout my childhood, she had a limited ability to really see me as I am and empathize with my feelings. And I think that there were certain events in my very early life that exacerbated things.
When I was a baby, I had some medical problems and was hospitalized as a young infant and again at around 2 yrs. of age, and at 4 y.o., and again at age 7. I remember the 4 y.o. time--just bits and pieces of it, like when my father came to pick me up and I remember feeling so resentful because I didn't know I was going home then, so it was unexpected and I remember feeling angry at him, and thinkin something like, "You leave me here all this time alone and now you just show up without my expecting it and say I'm going home?!?" I have clearer memories of when I was 7 and put up a fight on the operating table so that I remember a bunch of nurses and doctors having to hold me down for the anasthesia. And again, I remember that my father bought me a radio to keep me company and that I resented it because I didn't want a radio, I wanted my parents.
The earlier times I don't remember but I have feeling memories of it that are so hard to access in words--these deep down longings and impotent rage and feeling so lost and bad at the core of me, and feeling like if I let myself feel anger, it will be this unlimited intense rage that is inconsolable and that with the crying and rage I would destroy myself and the whole world with me. The feeling that I cannot let myself feel feelings because they will be totally inconsolable.
And one time, my mother's friend was relating this story about when I was in the hospital as a baby. She told me that my parents were too busy to visit me for a couple of days (!!!!) so she and her husband went instead and that her husband couldn't bring himself to come into the room because he heard me crying and it broke his heart!
Well, you can imagine what kind of effect this story had on me--it opened up a flood of feelings. Feelings with no words attached to them.
My transference toward my therapist has been based on these feelings. I went through a time when I pined for him like a baby, or would feel like I wanted him to hold me like a baby, or even for me to be in his 'womb'. Sounds crazy, I know. But these kinds of feelings are very deep and primitive and not easy to verbalize.
My therapist doesn't use touch, and I wouldn't want him to, so it has all been talking, but the talking has helped tremendously. I think at some point when all of these feelings were surfacing for me. we increased therapy to twice a week, which helped a lot.
It is important for you to also talk to your therapist about strategies for self-soothing when these feelings come up.
Take care.
Posted by KindGirl on April 14, 2004, at 1:24:13
In reply to Re: Infant abuse (ramble)...may trigger (?) » KindGirl, posted by noa on April 13, 2004, at 11:09:06
Thanks guys for just being here with me through this. It does bring some comfort knowing that other people have early memories (and this is all new to me, as I have just come out of a very religious addiction where I was reminded every minute that "Jesus is all that you need. The past is the past and He makes all things new..." when I would suddenly have horrid memories out of the blue and be told to quit looking to the past).
So you guys validate how hard this is and how much it truly does hurt.
I am sad to hear of your early experiences Noa. My heart just ached as I read of your early hospital memories...yes, I can only imagine how the friend of the family's comments affected you!!!!!! It is like the note I received not long ago from my mother telling me "how could you turn into such a self righteous B**** when you were such a loving and good baby?" and I want to scream at her, "Because you were never going to come anyway, so I quit crying to save my energy to just survive!!!!")
So I am shaking my head as I think about what you wrote. So sad. So much abuse happens. Thank you so much for sharing and for sharing your t. experience with me. I really feel I hit the jackpot with my t because I know deep down that I never was held or tenderly touched, ever, and she is so open to it. I wonder what it would feel like with a man. Right now I am so new to all of this therapy stuff and I am just wading through all the mother garbage. I can't imagine what healing from my dad would be like.
FYI, both of my parents live within an hour of me, my husband of 15 years, and their 3 only grandchildren (my parents are divorced but live the same distance from us) and they choose to be selfish a holes like they have always been and I am ostracized from them because I said no to them one time (when I say "them" I mean my mom actually). My dad is a self absorbed college professor who has been teaching a zillion years so he gives lectures to any and every one about stuff no one gives a rip about and he never notices everyone is sleeping and he is still blabbing. He can talk for hours about himself. So, no loss there really. He told my brother and I one day (I was 12) that he didn't love my mother anymore and was leaving that night. He left that night, they got a divorce, and within 3 months we moved away from him, my childhood home, my friends....it was hell on a whole other dimension. My husband hates him for leaving us. He can't believe a father could leave his daughter. We have a daughter, and he can't bear to think of being away from her.
Again I am rambling...sorry...but thanks for all the support you guys. I did leave messages this week to my T. (I have already called her 3 times! YIKES) and I did fess up to missing her. I told her I wanted her to hold me longer at our next session. She called back and left me a message that missing her and wanting to be with her are healthy signs of healing for me because I am letting her in, I am opening my heart to be loved and nurtured, and she said she would love to hold me when I see her on Thursday. So, thanks for the well wishes and the advice. You guys are a great support system for me!!!
Posted by tabitha on April 14, 2004, at 10:03:33
In reply to Wow, posted by KindGirl on April 14, 2004, at 1:24:13
good for you, for taking that risk to tell her you missed her. I'm glad she responded so nicely.
Posted by kellyr on April 14, 2004, at 16:06:57
In reply to Infant abuse (ramble)...may trigger (?), posted by KindGirl on April 13, 2004, at 1:27:42
I also suffered abuse as a infant & child, my so called mother tells me that I was a good baby that I never need a playpen that i sat there & did nothing wronge. My older sister told me that she rubber my sh**y diaper in my face. Thank God I don't remeber that , I have enough bad to remeber. I know what you mean when you say that "apparently because obviously you didn't know any other way of being in the world" til this say i can't be anything but the robot that she made me.
I think you must be a good mom if you say your kids pictures are of them giggling & goofing off.
I've been in & out of T for yrs now but i was told by one of my T that I shouldn't count the yrs. I've been in T that everyone works at different speed & T is a life time thing, w/ or without a T in your life.
kellyr.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on April 14, 2004, at 17:18:38
In reply to Infant abuse (ramble)...may trigger (?), posted by KindGirl on April 13, 2004, at 1:27:42
I have been abused as a child and as an adult in every way possible and some not so fathomable and I tend to have an ambivalent attatchment style. I have clear and early memories and have had some of them brought up to me by the offenders, what doesn't kill is only makes us stronger the saying goes :)
I am sorry for all of you who have had such horrible experiences.
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