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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LibbyH on March 9, 2003, at 23:32:37
After battling severe depressiion for the past 20 years, I finally spent my first week in the hospital. I've been home for exactly 6 hours and I'm ready to go back. I'm so fed up with the cycles... you know... the constant building/rebuilding of your personal and professional reputation after a particularly tough episode of depression. This is number five for me & even I was surprised how fast everything unzipped this time. I'm just 42 years old, but I'm already thinking about going on disability. I'm out of vacation time at work & have to make some big decisions. How does one make a good decision about somthing like that?
L.
Posted by wendy b. on March 9, 2003, at 23:53:59
In reply to Just spent a week in the hospital, posted by LibbyH on March 9, 2003, at 23:32:37
> After battling severe depressiion for the past 20 years, I finally spent my first week in the hospital. I've been home for exactly 6 hours and I'm ready to go back. I'm so fed up with the cycles... you know... the constant building/rebuilding of your personal and professional reputation after a particularly tough episode of depression. This is number five for me & even I was surprised how fast everything unzipped this time. I'm just 42 years old, but I'm already thinking about going on disability. I'm out of vacation time at work & have to make some big decisions. How does one make a good decision about somthing like that?
> L.
I would say: consult with everyone in your support network (family, friends, therapists, pdocs), and see if you can get help that way. Who do you have to talk to about these issues?I'm sorry things have been unraveling so quickly after your return home...
By the way, loads of people have to take disability leave at some time or other, and not just depressed people. So there is no shame in it. And if you and your support "team" think it's best for you to take a break from work for the time being (it's not a forever thing for most people), for your own stability and sanity, then, you may just need a break, and you may need to come to an acceptance of that. It's an important step to recognize when you need to really slow down and work on yourself and on just getting better...
Please write back if you care to; lots of people here care about you very much.
All the best,
Wendy
Posted by PuraVida on March 10, 2003, at 0:17:58
In reply to Just spent a week in the hospital, posted by LibbyH on March 9, 2003, at 23:32:37
Hi Libby,
Hopefully you are feeling better after your hospital stay. I must admit sometimes that seems like a good option - to just go and check out of life and have a chance to recharge. The rebuilding is hard work, as you mention. However, what gives me faith is that I've done it before, and I can do it again. I've had to take disability twice from work, and just a few years ago I had to drop out of a semester of grad school. Each time I was really barely functioning, and the time I took enabled me to go back stronger than I had ever been. By the time you overcome your depression, you'll realize that you needed the time to rebuild, and that no one has really noticed that you were gone. Sad, but true - they all go on with their own lives and problems, and when you come back glowing with health and positive energy you'll look at things in a whole different light. Hope this helps -
PV
Posted by mair on March 10, 2003, at 7:30:49
In reply to Just spent a week in the hospital, posted by LibbyH on March 9, 2003, at 23:32:37
Libby
I'm sorry to hear you so depressed about things although I am pleased to hear that you have at least been safe. You started that "half-baked plans" thread and then disappeared. I've been concerned.
Going into a hospital is bad enough - emerging to the feeling that nothing has changed for the better is probably worse. But although I know this sounds so much easier said than done, you need to find some way to feel more in control of your illness and less victimized by it. Maybe that means going on disability for awhile so you can concentrate on getting healthier. I can well relate to the situation you described before where everyone thinks you're fine because you put up such a great front. All well and good, but it's positively exhausting to keep that going - too much energy gets directed to the "front" and there is not enough left to direct to healing. And it's pretty stressful to try to keep all that going.
Please consider devoting yourself to a longer range recovery plan that does not just entail you just soldiering along while you're dying inside.
Mair
Posted by Ginjoint on March 10, 2003, at 11:28:06
In reply to Just spent a week in the hospital, posted by LibbyH on March 9, 2003, at 23:32:37
Hi Libby...
I don't know where you're from, but I am in the state of Illinois, USA. I'm on disability, and I receive $731 a month. That's not a lot of money (it just barely covers my rent, in the city of Chicago), and were it not for my mother I would be in deep financial straits. It also took many weeks for this to be approved through "the system." I am certainly not discouraging you from going on disability (it's given me some needed breathing room, and it's not permanent -- I'm actively job-seeking now), but please be aware that you may need some extra help in both the short- and long-term. I wish you well, and please keep us updated, O.K.?
Ginjoint
Posted by judy1 on March 10, 2003, at 13:15:30
In reply to Just spent a week in the hospital, posted by LibbyH on March 9, 2003, at 23:32:37
First I'm really glad you did what was necessary to stay safe. I was in a similar position as you 5 years ago, and I opted with the advice of my pdoc to go on disability. Depending on your job that may mean short-term, where they pay a % of your income, or state disability. If it turns into a long-term disability, then you have Social Security available. For now, find out your options. Just learning I didn't have to return to work right away was an enormous relief for me. wishing you all the best-judy
Posted by LibbyH on March 10, 2003, at 14:11:09
In reply to Re: Just spent a week in the hospital » LibbyH, posted by judy1 on March 10, 2003, at 13:15:30
Thanks everyone for the understanding. We don't have temporary disability, only permanent, which is why this is a big decision for me. If I can keep working another 13 years, I will retire at 70% of my salary, or I can retire now at 40% of my current salary. To make it on that, I'd have to make some pretty big adjustments. On the other hand, even with some pretty substantial accomodations, I can barely manage my job right now. At least my boss is being understanding so I don't have to force a decision just yet.
Thanks again for the support & advice...
L.
Posted by noa on March 10, 2003, at 17:35:24
In reply to Re: Just spent a week in the hospital, posted by LibbyH on March 10, 2003, at 14:11:09
Can you postpone for now with a medical leave of absence?
Also, I was wondering about your post-hospital care plans. Will you have any day treatment? is there support for you to deal with this period of time?
I'm glad you went into the hospital, I remember your discussion of the decision. And it is good to see you again.
Taking care of yourself is high priority now. Use any and all support you can get.
Posted by Krissy P on March 12, 2003, at 22:11:07
In reply to Just spent a week in the hospital, posted by LibbyH on March 9, 2003, at 23:32:37
Hi, I just saw your post and wanted to reply. I'm on disability, and I receive $777 a month. That's not a lot of money (it just barely covers my rent, and were it not for my mother I would be in deep financial straits too). When I went into the hospital the first time, I came home for like an hour and needed to go back, I know how you are feeling here. This started a 2 year-32 psych ward admissions for me. I am sorry to hear YOU are feeling down. I know this may not help, but I am feeling a little down myself tonight and I wish I could be of more support to you. Just some htoughts,
Take care of you.
Kristen
==================================================================================================. > After battling severe depressiion for the past 20 years, I finally spent my first week in the hospital. I've been home for exactly 6 hours and I'm ready to go back. I'm so fed up with the cycles... you know... the constant building/rebuilding of your personal and professional reputation after a particularly tough episode of depression. This is number five for me & even I was surprised how fast everything unzipped this time. I'm just 42 years old, but I'm already thinking about going on disability. I'm out of vacation time at work & have to make some big decisions. How does one make a good decision about somthing like that?
> L.
Posted by PuraVida on March 12, 2003, at 22:25:07
In reply to Re: Just spent a week in the hospital » LibbyH, posted by Krissy P on March 12, 2003, at 22:11:07
Just wondering, at what point does one need to be hospitalized? And, when you are, is it typically a psych ward - do they give you different or extra meds, or counseling, or what? Is it usually more to prevent self-harm?
I live alone, and don't really have anyone watching out for me that closely - but I'm not suicidal - just wondering...
Thanks,
PV
Posted by Krissy P on March 12, 2003, at 23:05:04
In reply to Hospital?, posted by PuraVida on March 12, 2003, at 22:25:07
I think that when one believes he/she can't control or feel like he/she is not SAFE-then be admitted. You work with a psychiatrist usually and attend therapy groups-hopefully. You stay until you and your doc feel you are somewhat stable. You can be placed on a 5150-(belief of doing harm to yourself or others) 72 hour hold OR a 5250 (extended stay-2 weeks)
Take it easy,
Kristen
==================================================================================================
> Just wondering, at what point does one need to be hospitalized? And, when you are, is it typically a psych ward - do they give you different or extra meds, or counseling, or what? Is it usually more to prevent self-harm?
>
> I live alone, and don't really have anyone watching out for me that closely - but I'm not suicidal - just wondering...
>
> Thanks,
> PV
Posted by PuraVida on March 12, 2003, at 23:50:31
In reply to Re: Hospital? » PuraVida, posted by Krissy P on March 12, 2003, at 23:05:04
Thanks Kristen,
I've not really ever not felt safe, but I do worry that all I have built up is slipping away - kinda like Libby talks about. Its so exhausting. I feel like I am always trying to get caught up on life. I own a house, and have a 2nd on it, and have been so down I haven't been able to get it together to get a job. My expenses are such that I need to make about 2K a month - so I really have to get it together to get a "real" job, or I could loose me house. So, all of my energy is going there - I have been thinking lately that, like I reccomended to Libby, that I should just start being super selfish again - really look at what works for ME. Pamper myself - but in a long term way. Believe more in the universe, and less in societal conventions. Have faith, hope...
Thanks for letting me go on. I am thinking the only positive thought I can about all this "no rain - no rainbows, no valleys - no hills"
Best,
PV
Posted by ShelliR on March 16, 2003, at 11:09:16
In reply to Just spent a week in the hospital, posted by LibbyH on March 9, 2003, at 23:32:37
Hi Libby,
Just wanted you to let us know how you're doing. The problem with hospitals is that one week is not nearly enough to pull through a severe depression. But insurance companies now want to get you in and out.
Did you decide about work? If you go on disability that doesn't mean you can't get off it in a year or so. Does your job contribute to your depression, or it is that you are "just" too depressed to have that kind of focus.
Let us know how you are and what you've decided. My thoughts are with you.
Shelli
Posted by Krissy P on March 16, 2003, at 12:22:02
In reply to Re: Just spent a week in the hospital » LibbyH, posted by ShelliR on March 16, 2003, at 11:09:16
Posted by LibbyH on March 20, 2003, at 0:07:42
In reply to Ditto :-) please keep us posted (nm), posted by Krissy P on March 16, 2003, at 12:22:02
After a just a few hours at home, I wantd to go back to the hospital and I should have listened, but my pdoc talked me out of it. A week later, I tried and aborted a suicide attempt. My husband left for an overnight trip. I was supposed to pick up some things and follow him, but instead I started two cars in the garage and sat between the tailpipes of the cars writing my will. When I finished writing it, I looked it over and thought it was stupid because nobody was going ot care, so I turned off the cars, but continued sitting in the garage, huffing the fumes. I was almost asleep then the police and ambulance showed up. I opened the door for them but they took me to the hospital anyway. I told th staff doc that I had aborted the attempt because I didn't really want to die, but he said I had inhaled a good bit of carbon monoxide so he wanted to keep me overnight. I agreed. When I told my pdoc, he siad he didn't want to work with me anymore. Said he didn't know me as well as he thought he did and I am a liability to him for reasons of malpractice insurance. I've worked with this doc for 4-5 years. He's the only one who's helped me at all and now he's dumping me after already being dumped by my bipolar hubby, clinically depressed daughter, and being told by my Christian mother that I need to repent for whatever sins have brought this down on me... I lose the only man who has consistently had faith in me... my doc. I've gone from wanting to die to being afraid I'm going to die now. I'm still withdrawing from the old meds. the new ones haven't taken effect and/or aren't working. I'm totalyy lost. And I HAVE TOI go back to work soon unless I'm going on disability. My mom tells me if I go on disability, she won't help me do that. She says it's the lazy man's way out and it will make me give up and die. I'm going to the mountains witha firend to morrow, Maybe some time in the woods will help me see differently. I sure need to. ANyway, wish I had better news to report. Take care...
Libby
Posted by PuraVida on March 20, 2003, at 14:00:39
In reply to Follow-up from LibbyH, posted by LibbyH on March 20, 2003, at 0:07:42
Hi Libby,
I hope your walk in the woods helped - let us know how you are today.
PV
Posted by noa on March 20, 2003, at 16:13:33
In reply to Follow-up from LibbyH, posted by LibbyH on March 20, 2003, at 0:07:42
(((Libby)))
My pdoc once read me the riot act about keeping to a safety contract if I wanted to work with him, so I think it is not that unusual, what you are reporting. But what makes me uncomfortable is that you say that your doc first talked you out of going to the the hospital when you felt you needed it, then stops working with you after you make an attempt.
Is he referring you to services that are more suitable for the level of need you have? That is what my therapist had said he would do if I couldn't be honest with him about my safety. He was talking about hospitalization and possibly day treatment, ie, more structure than just outpatient therapy.
I'm glad you changed your mind and decided to live. You sound like you do need more support and structure now to get you through this very rough time.
Posted by noa on March 20, 2003, at 16:17:44
In reply to Follow-up from LibbyH, posted by LibbyH on March 20, 2003, at 0:07:42
PS--I was rereading your post, because I am so concerned about you.
If you are still in transition with meds, maybe more hospital time is needed, until you are on safer ground.
And never mind what your mother said. Get the help you need. You know where she is coming from and that she has a rather fixed view of things that is not very understanding of your needs.
Are you getting a referral from the doc for other services? Can you go back in hospital? Day treatment? Is there any kind of after care program from the hospital?
Posted by LibbyH on March 25, 2003, at 12:05:03
In reply to Re: Follow-up from LibbyH » LibbyH, posted by noa on March 20, 2003, at 16:17:44
I spent several days in a cabin in Tennessee and got some perspective on things. During that time, I figured out that between between that first hospital stay and the suicide attempt, I hadn't taken any actions to make it easier for me to cope with the things that made me want to die in the first place.
I had a final appointment with pdoc yesterday and we talked again. He agreed to keep working with me. He thinks all the med changes on top of all the stressors I'm facing right now was just too much for me. He also thinks that although the Straterra (for ADD) seems to be improving my concentration & motivation, it seems to be actually worsening my impulsivity. I agreed. My suicide attempt was really done on impulse. I was fine all morning and was actually getting ready to go watch some friends play in a coffeehouse that evening when a random though hit me that I didn't want to see them or anybody else - ever. So I started both the cars, put the dog out back, then went to sit in the garage. I sat there writing for about ten minutes, then when I'd written what was on my mind, I turned off the cars, but kept sitting in the garage. When the police showed up, the cars were already turned off.
The pdoc asked me again what my biggest problem had been for most of my life & again I didn't even have to think about it - impulse control! So he says - back to Ritalin & keep taking the new antidepressant & anxiety drugs for awhile, along with Topamax for migraines & mood stabilization. I feel better already. I've felt so impulsive lately that I feel anything that will make me less impulsive (and the Ritalin really did) will make my life so much better! Thanks for the support everyone!
Would you believe this is the best support I had through this whole mess? My family is too personally involved to really help much & my few friends were strictly hands off. I'm not 100% our of the woods yet, but I'm already feeling much better. No suicidal thoughts today!
So thanks,
L.
Posted by Krissy P on March 25, 2003, at 13:22:50
In reply to Re: Follow-up from LibbyH noa, posted by LibbyH on March 25, 2003, at 12:05:03
Posted by noa on March 26, 2003, at 4:57:16
In reply to Re: Follow-up from LibbyH noa, posted by LibbyH on March 25, 2003, at 12:05:03
Libby, that is good news. I'm so glad your pdoc will continue to work with you and that you both have honed in on the impulse control problem, and are examining the stress and med issues.
Sounds like the walk in the woods really helped (especially in company of good friend).
Take care.
Posted by LibbyH on April 1, 2003, at 16:06:17
In reply to Re: Follow-up from LibbyH noa, posted by noa on March 26, 2003, at 4:57:16
Hi everyone...
I feel so much better since my visit to the hospital!
It seems so much of my trouble was related to my ADD meds after all! Thank GOD they're working again. I went back to Ritalin from the new drug Straterra, plus some new druggs for anxiety and one for migraine headaches that also acts as a mood stablizer. I feel as good as ever except that I'm afraid to venture back out into the world again, because there is so much to rebuild. This is my fifth (I believev) episode of major depression & practically everyone I know has seen it all before. You all know what this is like. Some are afraid of you because they think you're going to go off on them or kill yourself or they're afraid others will think they're nuts if they're friendly with you. Or they think you're making it up because you're lazy or want attention or whatever. And you have to wait it all out & stay stable through it all in pite of the fact that you feel like crying everytime you see "that look" on someone's face. But I'mn healthy now. I'm back to a healthy diet, good grooming, dressing myself every morning, and riding my bike every day... and I feel I CAN work, provided they'll still have me.
So remind me... how do I go back? What do I say to my boss & coworkers when I go back to put them at ease? What do I do for myself to make it a less stressful experience?
You guys were so helpful before, I thought maybe you could help now...
Thanks for the help...
Libby
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