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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Christ_empowered on May 20, 2012, at 22:10:15
Seriously. I started having severe depression and OCD-ish probs at 11. Voices at 16. So embarassed about my whole life! Its just now getting better.
Doesn't help that I was (as expected) the laughing stock of just about every place I lived. Now, I'm relatively sane, lucid, all that...but man! The shame! The guilt! The wasted opportunities!
To my credit, I had probs with neuroleptics, probs with shrinks DX'ing personality disorders and disregarding the psychosis, and probs with Rx pill addiction.
Now that I'm lucid, I get these weird flash backs to when I was crazy the vapid, stupid sh*t I used to do. Also, I think going crazy at an early age stunted my maturation a good bit.
Ugh! What do I do?
Posted by Dinah on May 20, 2012, at 22:22:19
In reply to So embarrassed over the past!, posted by Christ_empowered on May 20, 2012, at 22:10:15
I think everyone feels this way to one extent or another.
This may sound odd, but the most helpful experience I've ever had was to receive absolution. And it's not even a part of my religious tradition! It would be nice to have that on a formal basis, I think.
But if you feel regret for the things you've done in the past, if you take responsibility for them, and if you in all sincerity resolve to do differently in the future, and if you do your best to repair any damage you've caused, then what more can you do? The past is the past, and however embarrassing it may be, it can't be changed.
Each moment we make choices that bring us to the point we are right now. But with each new choice we make, we have a chance to be reborn, or at least to shed our old selves and start again. Maybe we can't immediately shed the baggage of the memories of others. But if you continually act as the person you are now, eventually memories will fade and most people, if they do remember, will mostly think how far you've come.
Posted by Christ_empowered on May 20, 2012, at 22:35:39
In reply to Re: So embarrassed over the past!, posted by Dinah on May 20, 2012, at 22:22:19
Dinah, you're a life saver. I was freaking out! Lucidity comes at a price.
Anyway, you're right. Keep on keepin' on. The thing is...I can't really undo a lot of the damage, because I was one of "those" crazy people whose reputation was worse than their behavior. So a lot of what I'm hated for is exaggerrated or never even happened. Ugh.
But all your other suggestions are spot on. Thanks.
Posted by gadchik on May 21, 2012, at 6:14:44
In reply to wise words, posted by Christ_empowered on May 20, 2012, at 22:35:39
I also had some crazy things I did and said when I got psychotic. Also feel shame and wonder how I couldve said,thought,did what I did. I had to go to cbt over it all,because my son was a just starting highschool at the time it happened. I was devastated that I caused him embarrassment.But you have to move on,and show everyone that you are lucid,intelligent,and finally getting well! Good luck to you!
Posted by Dinah on May 21, 2012, at 7:44:07
In reply to wise words, posted by Christ_empowered on May 20, 2012, at 22:35:39
The exaggeration and false stories must be frustrating. But don't let them keep you from being the person you wish to be now. Eventually people will change their perceptions.
Posted by Phillipa on May 21, 2012, at 10:30:28
In reply to Re: wise words » Christ_empowered, posted by Dinah on May 21, 2012, at 7:44:07
CE glad you are in your home town and can show the others that you are now shall we say grown up? Phillipa
Posted by SLS on May 21, 2012, at 13:50:49
In reply to So embarrassed over the past!, posted by Christ_empowered on May 20, 2012, at 22:10:15
I am not embarrassed by anything I did while in a depressed state. However, I was very much embarrassed by the things I did while in a psychotic manic state. People understand depression. They are familiar with it. Depressed people often remain invisible and don't have the motivation or energy to interact with their environment. However, in a manic state, there is an overabundance of energy such that one becomes extremely visible. People don't understand mania, especially when they witness someone in a psychotic state. It is very foreign to them. To others, my behaviors were bizarre and alien. While in a manic state, I did things and said things that had very little connection with reality. This was disconcerting to others. I imagine some resolved to distance themselves from me indefinitely. The worst thing about the mania was that I had lost control of myself. Mania is an altered state of consciousness. There is no sense of judgment to deliberate behaviors before acting on them. I wish the people who saw me in this state would forget what they had witnessed. Most of them never will.
Stigma.
- Scott
Posted by Phillipa on May 21, 2012, at 21:29:09
In reply to Re: So embarrassed over the past!, posted by SLS on May 21, 2012, at 13:50:49
Scott having worked a locked unit. I'm very familiar with manic states. Seem to manifest in females a bit differently than males I wonder why. I understand and also recently saw what a lady off her meds did to another neighbor. So some do understand. Phillipa
This is the end of the thread.
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