![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by HyperFocus on February 21, 2009, at 10:07:38
This post contains musings and fantasies of suicide so if you might be affected by this you should tread cautiously.
There is a novel by Cormac McCarthy titled "Suttre". At one point the protagonist is travelling with a rural nomad family who are desparately poor and endured much hardship. At the end of one chapter the family is sheltering from a terrible storm under a cliff when a piece of the cliff breaks off and lands on the sleeping family. The eldest daughter is killed. The father takes his dauther's shattered body and runs directly into the driving rain and wind and goes down on his knees and pleads:
"Please God don't let me have to carry this burden. I already carry all that I can bear and I can't bear anymore."
The chapter concludes with Suttre remarking that unfortunately there is no lower bound for human suffering and man will have to bear it no matter how heavy it is as long as he is alive.I don't think I can carry this burden anymore. I think if I have a ready means to end it I should. This is an upgrade from how I normally feel where I think about it but then dismiss it. I actually am further down the path where it becomes a viable solution. The reason is that after ten years I am stuck in the exact same place with the exact same feelings. Today I had an important meeting to discuss my thesis. I didn't go. I don't know what's going to happen now. I am going through a very bad patch where the meds seem to be exacerbating the depression. I can barely get off my bedI coud not bear the stress of going outside and going to talk to other people. And then I remembered this was exactly the scenario right before I dropped out of uni ten years ago. 10 years ago I could not graduate because I could not bear the depression and anxiety and I also could not organize to do my thesis. I'm not going anywhere. I keep thinking and cajoling myself that I feel better but the fact is I don't. This is not living it is a slow and painful death.
I have this black hole in my soul. Every year I've been alive it has grown and grown as it sucks everything good out of my life. I've lost twenty years of my life to illness. And for what reason or what purpose? For all my adolescent and adult life people have been putting me down in the worst way. Made fun of me, stomped on my feelings, called me different names, took advantage of me. I suffered from really classic interpersonal bullying - people who are supposed to be your friends but use you to prop up their own deficient self-esteem as they reduce yours. Of course having had little exposure to adversity until I turned tweleve I did not know I had to resist - even if it meant simply not accepting what someone says about me as the truth. So unable to find any resistance I simply incorprated these things into my persona as true. A major part of my vulnerability is my inability to comprehend just the motivation for the act itself. It has always seemed inconceivable to me that someone get derive anything out of putting somebody down. I have never in my life believed or could rationalize hurting somebody just to get an ego boost or whatever it is one gets. For better or worse I gre up innocent of the evil that people do. It is the utter pointlessness of it that I cannot come to terms with.
I never asked or wanted much out of life. Seriously all I wanted to due was read, study science, play the piano and mess around with computers. And have a few friends. Before I became seriously ill I spent a lot of time by myslef, not becuase I had to but because I wanted to. I used to play ball in my yard by myself and enjoyed it quite much. Never in my life do I recall ever putting anybody down or feeling the need to deliberately hurt someone. In elementary school, the kids who might be the victims of group bullying so prevalent in young kids then - I used to defend them. It is inconceivable that one person could wound another just for the hell of it. Probably the worst part is that the people who hurt me so badly have all gone on to have happy fulfilled lives - did their masters degrees or whatever, married, have children. Meanwhile I'm still here fighting stuck in one place and can barely get out of my bed every day. so crippled am I with depression and anxiety. So I begin to ask myself where is the justice in this world? How is it that the people responsible for destroying my life prosper while I suffer? The answer it seems is that I'm the one that's wrong and I deserve what I have got.
I seem to have all the symptoms of PTSD. The flashbacks, difficulty concentrating, depression, anxiety, thoughts of revenge. I was attacked when I was in school, and later on where I lived. I could not escape from the situation. My body and mind are traumatised as if I have lived through a war. I don't think now that I am made for this earth. I'm just some hyper-sensitive hyper-recollective hyper-concentrating freak. Things that happened to me 10, 15 years ago I have full and vivid recall and of course experience the pain just as fresh again. I had a lot of potential and gifts but what started off as a blessing turned into a curse. I don't think I will be able to overcome the trauma I suffered at the hands of other people. I know you might say don't give up but it's been twenty years and I gave it a got shot - I remember as early as 14 thinking that I had the never say day attititue and that I needed to live my life how I wanted it and not what other people said to me. That was sixteen years ago. But it didn't work out. And I don't think I can do it anymore. Nobody should have to suffer like this for so long. The only thing never say die has done for me is prolonged the pain. My mind is crippled, and my abilities stunted. All the desire I had for achieving something is burned out of me.
The most frightning thing to me is the thought that I am caught in a sequence of events which have a predetermined end. It's as if you could peer into the mind of a victim of suicide - if you wanted to see what life was like for that person then this is what it would be like. Events over the course of thirty years conspire to make my suicide hardly surprising to anyone. I can see that suicide is the logical termination of my life.
When I was in elementary scool, seems like a thousand centuries ago, I had few worries. One of my favorite memories was with one of my friends. Myself and a bunch of other kids used to take extra lessons at the teacher's house and then usually parents would pick us up. Two of us used to wait for a while together as we were always the last to be picked up. I don't remember what initially started it but we used to get into these crazy pillow fights. It seemed so silly but there we were every afternoon going at it laughing our heads off. I mean we were nine or ten and we didn't have any idea of what could happen between girls and boys. At some point she transferred out to another school. Our teacher wanted us to give her a gift before leaving and she wanted someone to do the giving so I volunteered. So the day I got her gift and gave her a kiss on the cheek . Of cousre every body was like Weeeeeooooo but I didn't care. I was so unselfconscious then. I was top of my class, I had a lot of friends and 1 really good friend - we were inseparable. Then I went to high school and things changed.
The only things that I can do right now are passive things - mainly looking at films or listening to music. I love music I really do. When I was much younger I used to listen to songs on the radio and record them one after the other so I had a sort of mixtape. If things had turned out differently I might have been a musician or a music producer. Sometimes at lunch I used to sneak onto the school auditorium stage and lift the cover to the keyboard and just pluck at notes. About two years ago I bought a keyboard but it has spent most of it's life unused on the floor. I love books also but my ability to read and enjoy them has been greatly diminshed. Back in the day when SAT was out of 1600 I got 800/800 on the language part. Creative activities like writing or programming are out of the question.I seemed to have a lot to say when I started this but the emotional fire seems to have cooled. I have lost the ability to cry for quite a number of years but appparently writing is also another way to relieve emotional stress. It took me a couple of days to write this; even just replying to PB posts is difficult for me because I seem unable to focus exclusively on a stream of thought for very long. I don't know where I'm going with this so I might as well stop. I don't have a conclusion or resolution. All I know is that I'm hurting really badly and I'm really at rock-bottom and there is a new edge to my thinking that is starting to frighten me.
Posted by SLS on February 21, 2009, at 10:28:08
In reply to Hurting real bad - suicidal, long, posted by HyperFocus on February 21, 2009, at 10:07:38
Dear HyperFocus,
Your desire to live screams out of every paragraph you have written. For this, I am greatly optimistic for you.
You are a magnificent writer and express very well what is going on with you. You already know that, though. I guess in the grand scheme of things, that is almost a meaningless talent if you cannot find meaning in life.
I could write a book based on all of the issues you bring up. Suffice it to say that I have been through much the same things as you have. Much of the history you paint of yourself could just as easily appear on a portrait of myself. I would love to attend to each of your philosophical and spiritual issues because I have already found for myself the answers to them. They might not necessarily resonate well with you, though. I think each person who craves understanding must embark on a journey that can last a lifetime. Consider yourself on that journey right now. If you have not found your own personal answers to the questions that now plague you, you will if you stay alive long enough. I think the very first thing you have to do regarding your existential issues is to just allow them to be. Do not allow them to be a plague on your soul. You will find all of your answers eventually, so why become so frantic to answer them today? BIG questions. Some people spend a lifetime trying to answer them and are never satisfied with what they come up with.
Enough about that.
Before you can do anything, you must get your brain biology under control. For the state that you are presently in, I would consider using Zyprexa 5-10mg to allow the suicidal feeling to subside. After the crisis passes, you can then become aggressive at finding effective treatments for the depression and any other Axis I disorder you might have.
I also recommend psychotherapy. You are looking at performing a lot of positive and constructive work to help navigate through the destructive experiences that you have encountered in life. I myself use psychotherapy for precisely that.
Like I said, I am optimistic for you - as long as you remain alive to watch your biological treatment and psychotherapeutic work bear sweet fruit.
It's a start.
:-)
- Scott
Posted by Phillipa on February 21, 2009, at 11:03:03
In reply to Re: Hurting real bad - suicidal, long » HyperFocus, posted by SLS on February 21, 2009, at 10:28:08
Hyperfocus so sorry for your pain. But you are very young and have desires for family and children and a career. I say continue to fight and so many give the appearance of happiness and they are not. If I can help please let me know. Stick close to anyone you can and if too unbearable please seek immediate help. I do care. Love Phillipa
Posted by seldomseen on February 21, 2009, at 11:35:34
In reply to Hurting real bad - suicidal, long, posted by HyperFocus on February 21, 2009, at 10:07:38
Okay, I don't mean to sound glib, or trivialize the pain you feel. I know what I'm talking about because I have been there.
Oh boy, the looming thesis. The "constructive" criticism of the thesis.
The "I'm ready to end my life" train of thought. The burnout, the fatigue, the hopelessness.
Science is a very very exacting mistress, it literally can suck the life out of you. When you reach this stage, you are ready to graduate. It is almost a right of passage but you must fight the urge to give up with every single fiber of your being. Now is the time, when you are at your lowest, to rise to meet what faces you.
Do we have it harder than most because of mental health issues? Absolutely. Our work is doubled because not only to we have to wrangle the science, we have to wrangle ourselves.
BUT You must complete your work. You must find the courage to finish this degree and move forward. This is a huge hurdle, but one that can free you.
Remind yourself again and again that if this were easy, everyone would do it. It's not easy, but you are a smart, creative person or you wouldn't have gotten this far.
Get help, start therapy, start meds. Take steps to start moving again.
But start moving again. I'll be here to help. Because, man, like I said, I have been there.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
Seldom.
Posted by linkadge on February 21, 2009, at 13:36:22
In reply to Re: Hurting real bad - suicidal, long » HyperFocus, posted by seldomseen on February 21, 2009, at 11:35:34
Hey,
Nothing is worse than feeling like crap and feeling like you cannot really connect with anybody to discuss it.
There are many good people here who would never stab you in the back.
You need to believe that there are good people in the world who will accept you unconditionally for who you are.
When people who pose as friends stab you in the back it is hard to trust others.
But, there has to be at least one person you know that cares about who you are and would be not be the same if you were gone.
That isn't to try and make you feel guilty, it is to try and make you feel worthy of being accepted.
You can email me anytime, linkadge@hotmail.com
Linkadge
Posted by Neal on February 21, 2009, at 20:42:29
In reply to Hurting real bad - suicidal, long, posted by HyperFocus on February 21, 2009, at 10:07:38
hyperfocus,
your depression is telling you things I can wear dark glasses in the house and things look very dark if I forget I have them on. I've experienced it; movies, books etc., can seem to be talking to you with a secret message. But the receiver's interpretation of what is received is all-important.
Scott's right; think about what will change the situation. There are some great meds out there that will turn things around. If you could talk more about your situation and also re meds and pdoc
wishing the best for you-
keep us posted
-neal
Posted by JadeKelly on February 21, 2009, at 22:11:37
In reply to Re: Hurting real bad - suicidal, long » HyperFocus, posted by Neal on February 21, 2009, at 20:42:29
Hi Hyperfocus,
First I want to say that the posters before me are telling you the truth. PLEASE pay attention to Scott's words to you. He went through hell for some 25 years. I've not gone into details regarding his childhood, but he has suffered many years with hellish depression and just kept going. He recently found a treatment plan that has put him in remission and we are all so grateful. The funny thing is, he's the one EVERY ONE goes to for advice on this board. These people became my only friends. I'm like you, I can do just fine alone but I think that is part of the depression that fools you. If treated right, you could be well soon. We like to tell ourselves what I'm feeling is the reality, IT ISNT. Please believe me.
Do you have family? Anyone who cares about you? I'm sure you do. I haven't talked about my personal reasons for needing to be here, but please mail me. We have some things in common that I think will help with perspective. Suffice it to say, again, not to guilt you out (okay, maybe a little) If you were to do somthing that final, you will change people. Permanently.
Finally, you sound like you think you did something wrong. You've done nothing but good things. I am sorry you had to be the target of bullies. That is a huge issues in the schools right now. Its damaging and they are finally seeing its NOT OK. My son was bullied in middle school and as his mother of course I wanted to hurt someone to make it stop but I couldn't. Then one day, he walked into the bathroom and two bullies were pushing a handi-cap boy into the wall so he pee on himself. Well my son helped the kid up, befriended him, and was willing to tell which is a big no-no. You remind me very much of him.
But you are GOOD they are nothing. Really read your own post to us and please highlite all the great things about yourself! Then the "others". You are still here, your biologically depressed, and are not seeing things clearly, so time to get workin on that and then take another look. You don't seem like a quitter or you wouldn't have posted us.
I was in bed for a year. I was deeply depressed for 2 years. The deepest darkest hole. I had no clue how I would survive when I could barely get out of my own bed. Seeing anyone was out of the question. NOW, I'm on the right antidepressant.
I'm actually almost back to who I was. I'm in therapy. I can say that most of the time I'm happy. I'm so glad I had faith. Please have faith too. You could have a wonderful life if you get out of the depression your in. Its not your fault. Your chemistry changes. Get that taken care of then have another look. talk here everyday if you need to. Thats what kept me going. Honestly? They saved me. They helped me with all sorts of things.Okay. Well too long. Just do nothing for now except think about how you will get out of the depression you are in. Therapy works a whole lot better when your on the right meds. But it will work now to head you in that direction. If your not in therapy, please make an emergency appt.
This is NOT how your life ends. BELIEVE ME ;-)
Sorry so long....bathroom reading? babblemail me anytime or email me eljakelly@verizon.net
Hope to get to know you better! ~Jade
Posted by JadeKelly on February 21, 2009, at 23:13:42
In reply to Re: Hurting real bad - suicidal, long, posted by JadeKelly on February 21, 2009, at 22:11:37
Hey Hyperfocus,
How are ya doing? You there? I know there are alot of posts and i think you said babblemails to read, but it would be great if you could check back with us and tell us you'll talk with one of us tommorow about finding help to rid yourself of depression before you make ANY decisions, okay?
Please, just a quick reply? ;-)
That would put me at ease and many others here.
Thanks, Jade
Posted by JadeKelly on February 23, 2009, at 19:29:06
In reply to Re: Hurting real bad - suicidal, long » JadeKelly, posted by JadeKelly on February 21, 2009, at 23:13:42
Hi Hyperfocus,
Just been thinking about you and wanted to see how you are today. I hope better. Can you post us and let us know please? I know you were hurting and I'm sure that hasn't gone away in one day but sometimes the worst passes. So how bout a quick hello or we can talk if you want. I'll check back in a bit and see if you've posted.
~Jade
Posted by HyperFocus on February 23, 2009, at 21:41:21
In reply to Re: Hurting real bad - suicidal, long » HyperFocus, posted by SLS on February 21, 2009, at 10:28:08
Thank you Scott. You words mean a lot to me. You are such an inspiration to me and so many other Babblers. I agree with all that you say. I'm not in the right mindset to do philosophical shadowboxing. At any rate the answers to big questions might not be brational deductions. It could be that just living is self-justifying.
I guess people have always suffered at the hands of other people - millions have been imprisoned and executed just on the petty malevolence of a dictator. The Russian writer Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn probably hated Stalin a great deal but without his lost years in the prison camps he could not have written his works on the Gulag. So
purpose and meaning are funny things. But still the utter pointlessness of the things that I have gone through devastate me.I actually feel better today. I'm starting to believe that the upper bound of the therapeutic window of my meds does exist and is a hard boundary - if I go over it I do feel worse.
I had a few sessions with psychologists and counselors but I found it difficult, in the sense that I wasn't doing a good job communicating
what I was thinking and feeling. I find it much easier to write than to talk. Writing is hard to do but I feel better when I do it so maybe one step towards psychotherapy is to try to write some more. I could even help people who might be going through something similar.Again thank you so much.
> Dear HyperFocus,
>
> Your desire to live screams out of every paragraph you have written. For this, I am greatly optimistic for you.
>
> You are a magnificent writer and express very well what is going on with you. You already know that, though. I guess in the grand scheme of things, that is almost a meaningless talent if you cannot find meaning in life.
>
> I could write a book based on all of the issues you bring up. Suffice it to say that I have been through much the same things as you have. Much of the history you paint of yourself could just as easily appear on a portrait of myself. I would love to attend to each of your philosophical and spiritual issues because I have already found for myself the answers to them. They might not necessarily resonate well with you, though. I think each person who craves understanding must embark on a journey that can last a lifetime. Consider yourself on that journey right now. If you have not found your own personal answers to the questions that now plague you, you will if you stay alive long enough. I think the very first thing you have to do regarding your existential issues is to just allow them to be. Do not allow them to be a plague on your soul. You will find all of your answers eventually, so why become so frantic to answer them today? BIG questions. Some people spend a lifetime trying to answer them and are never satisfied with what they come up with.
>
> Enough about that.
>
> Before you can do anything, you must get your brain biology under control. For the state that you are presently in, I would consider using Zyprexa 5-10mg to allow the suicidal feeling to subside. After the crisis passes, you can then become aggressive at finding effective treatments for the depression and any other Axis I disorder you might have.
>
> I also recommend psychotherapy. You are looking at performing a lot of positive and constructive work to help navigate through the destructive experiences that you have encountered in life. I myself use psychotherapy for precisely that.
>
> Like I said, I am optimistic for you - as long as you remain alive to watch your biological treatment and psychotherapeutic work bear sweet fruit.
>
> It's a start.
>
> :-)
>
>
> - Scott
>
>
Posted by HyperFocus on February 23, 2009, at 21:51:16
In reply to Re: Hurting real bad - suicidal, long, posted by Phillipa on February 21, 2009, at 11:03:03
Thanks very much for your words Phillipa, they mean a great deal to me. You're another one of the special people that make PB a great place. You're right of course, I still have the opportunity to do the things I want. But it's just so hard - I keep bashing myself with thoughts like "what if I had started doing x 15 years ago - how far along would I be?" But every day I am alive is a blessing. If "things were different" I might not even be here. I should not waste a second on regret, but when I feel bad inevitably I start. But thanks so much.
> Hyperfocus so sorry for your pain. But you are very young and have desires for family and children and a career. I say continue to fight and so many give the appearance of happiness and they are not. If I can help please let me know. Stick close to anyone you can and if too unbearable please seek immediate help. I do care. Love Phillipa
Posted by SLS on February 23, 2009, at 21:54:18
In reply to Re: Hurting real bad - suicidal, long » SLS, posted by HyperFocus on February 23, 2009, at 21:41:21
> It could be that just living is self-justifying.
Yes!
You made me smile with this one.
When someone asks me what the meaning of life is, I usually answer, "Life is its own meaning".
- Scott
Posted by HyperFocus on February 23, 2009, at 22:04:03
In reply to Re: Hurting real bad - suicidal, long » HyperFocus, posted by seldomseen on February 21, 2009, at 11:35:34
Thanks man. I'm trying to start back moving. But every time I have a setback, like missing my thesis meeting, I do a death spiral into the black water. Many, many times I panic that I'm going to fail again and my mind goes into lockdown mode - I can't do a thing. Maybe I should cut back on what I want to accomplish this semester. I 'm slowly starting to realize just how much subconscious stuff is going that is holding me back. I was doing pretty well for a while first time at uni - A's and faculty prize and all that. Then I had these two disastrous encounters with people and I have never recovered. The really ironic think is that when I work I feel better - but the illness doesn't listen to reason. But thanks for your words, I'll let you know how it goes.
> Okay, I don't mean to sound glib, or trivialize the pain you feel. I know what I'm talking about because I have been there.
>
> Oh boy, the looming thesis. The "constructive" criticism of the thesis.
>
> The "I'm ready to end my life" train of thought. The burnout, the fatigue, the hopelessness.
>
> Science is a very very exacting mistress, it literally can suck the life out of you. When you reach this stage, you are ready to graduate. It is almost a right of passage but you must fight the urge to give up with every single fiber of your being. Now is the time, when you are at your lowest, to rise to meet what faces you.
>
> Do we have it harder than most because of mental health issues? Absolutely. Our work is doubled because not only to we have to wrangle the science, we have to wrangle ourselves.
>
> BUT You must complete your work. You must find the courage to finish this degree and move forward. This is a huge hurdle, but one that can free you.
>
> Remind yourself again and again that if this were easy, everyone would do it. It's not easy, but you are a smart, creative person or you wouldn't have gotten this far.
>
> Get help, start therapy, start meds. Take steps to start moving again.
>
> But start moving again. I'll be here to help. Because, man, like I said, I have been there.
>
> I know you have a little life in you yet.
>
> Seldom.
>
Posted by HyperFocus on February 23, 2009, at 22:18:32
In reply to Re: Hurting real bad - suicidal, long, posted by linkadge on February 21, 2009, at 13:36:22
Hey link thanks a lot. You're right, they're are a lot of people who have been good to me in IRL. Some close friends of mine and some family who have stuck with me all through these years - it would be devastating to them if I ended it after all that. That's been a dealbreaker for suicide. But I don't know I'm ever gonna be able to trust people in a certain way. When people go out of their way to hurt you, you become really gunshy.
HF> Hey,
>
> Nothing is worse than feeling like crap and feeling like you cannot really connect with anybody to discuss it.
>
> There are many good people here who would never stab you in the back.
>
> You need to believe that there are good people in the world who will accept you unconditionally for who you are.
>
> When people who pose as friends stab you in the back it is hard to trust others.
>
> But, there has to be at least one person you know that cares about who you are and would be not be the same if you were gone.
>
> That isn't to try and make you feel guilty, it is to try and make you feel worthy of being accepted.
>
> You can email me anytime, linkadge@hotmail.com
>
> Linkadge
>
>
>
>
>
>
Posted by HyperFocus on February 23, 2009, at 22:26:59
In reply to Re: Hurting real bad - suicidal, long » HyperFocus, posted by Neal on February 21, 2009, at 20:42:29
Thanks man. Someone said that our favorite books tell us what we know already. I wouldn't say I'm responding to negative messages but when I feel bad there is certain cold reasoning I look at my life with and come to the conclusion that it's not worth it. But this reasoning is flawed - as Scott says living is its own meaning. I will try to write more - it's therapeutic.
HF> hyperfocus,
>
> your depression is telling you things I can wear dark glasses in the house and things look very dark if I forget I have them on. I've experienced it; movies, books etc., can seem to be talking to you with a secret message. But the receiver's interpretation of what is received is all-important.
>
> Scott's right; think about what will change the situation. There are some great meds out there that will turn things around. If you could talk more about your situation and also re meds and pdoc
>
> wishing the best for you-
>
> keep us posted
>
> -neal
>
>
>
Posted by HyperFocus on February 23, 2009, at 23:06:14
In reply to Re: Hurting real bad - suicidal, long, posted by JadeKelly on February 21, 2009, at 22:11:37
Hullo Jade
Thanks so much for your concern and advice. It's never too long - I wish I could have had somebody like you to tell me these things. I've been semi-lurking following your progress on PB and it's been quite inspiring. A lot of ideas for meds I've gotten from here - there is a huge amount of information and expertise here. I think this knowledge base approach to psychiatric treatment is the future. No one doctor or team of doctors could ever have at their command the knowledge here.Yeah well I paid a high price for not fighting back against bully. I have a lot of shame about this - I can't imagine telling people that I suffer from PTSD, social anxiety and depression all these years 'cause I got bullied continuously. My own family doesn't know the extent of my problem and its origins - I've kept it bottled up for all these years. Of course that's a major part of the problem If I had spoken about it somebody might have said - "hey why do you care what they say - you think they're better than you?" It's not fair to my family either especially my mom who probably thinks it's her fault that I'm so dysfunctional as an adult. I mean she wasn't the greatest mother in the history of humanity - she never taught me self-reliance, for one, but it's not fair to burden her with all this. I gotta find a way, somehow, to come to terms with shame because it's a big part of my psychological problems.
But I'm feeling better and I'm going to continue posting. Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, I'm at my family's house and I'm having problems with my computer posting forms so I can't post on PB or login to my mail. I have to use the family computer. Didn't mean to leave the whole thing on a cliffhanger like that. Thanks again for your concern and I'll talk to you soon.
> Hi Hyperfocus,
>
> First I want to say that the posters before me are telling you the truth. PLEASE pay attention to Scott's words to you. He went through hell for some 25 years. I've not gone into details regarding his childhood, but he has suffered many years with hellish depression and just kept going. He recently found a treatment plan that has put him in remission and we are all so grateful. The funny thing is, he's the one EVERY ONE goes to for advice on this board. These people became my only friends. I'm like you, I can do just fine alone but I think that is part of the depression that fools you. If treated right, you could be well soon. We like to tell ourselves what I'm feeling is the reality, IT ISNT. Please believe me.
>
> Do you have family? Anyone who cares about you? I'm sure you do. I haven't talked about my personal reasons for needing to be here, but please mail me. We have some things in common that I think will help with perspective. Suffice it to say, again, not to guilt you out (okay, maybe a little) If you were to do somthing that final, you will change people. Permanently.
>
> Finally, you sound like you think you did something wrong. You've done nothing but good things. I am sorry you had to be the target of bullies. That is a huge issues in the schools right now. Its damaging and they are finally seeing its NOT OK. My son was bullied in middle school and as his mother of course I wanted to hurt someone to make it stop but I couldn't. Then one day, he walked into the bathroom and two bullies were pushing a handi-cap boy into the wall so he pee on himself. Well my son helped the kid up, befriended him, and was willing to tell which is a big no-no. You remind me very much of him.
>
> But you are GOOD they are nothing. Really read your own post to us and please highlite all the great things about yourself! Then the "others". You are still here, your biologically depressed, and are not seeing things clearly, so time to get workin on that and then take another look. You don't seem like a quitter or you wouldn't have posted us.
>
> I was in bed for a year. I was deeply depressed for 2 years. The deepest darkest hole. I had no clue how I would survive when I could barely get out of my own bed. Seeing anyone was out of the question. NOW, I'm on the right antidepressant.
> I'm actually almost back to who I was. I'm in therapy. I can say that most of the time I'm happy. I'm so glad I had faith. Please have faith too. You could have a wonderful life if you get out of the depression your in. Its not your fault. Your chemistry changes. Get that taken care of then have another look. talk here everyday if you need to. Thats what kept me going. Honestly? They saved me. They helped me with all sorts of things.
>
> Okay. Well too long. Just do nothing for now except think about how you will get out of the depression you are in. Therapy works a whole lot better when your on the right meds. But it will work now to head you in that direction. If your not in therapy, please make an emergency appt.
> This is NOT how your life ends. BELIEVE ME ;-)
>
>
> Sorry so long....bathroom reading? babblemail me anytime or email me eljakelly@verizon.net
>
>
> Hope to get to know you better! ~Jade
>
Posted by Phillipa on February 24, 2009, at 0:35:06
In reply to Re: Hurting real bad - suicidal, long » Phillipa, posted by HyperFocus on February 23, 2009, at 21:51:16
Hi Hyperfocus so glad you posted back. I searched for you trying to find if anyone knew you unsuccessfully but you're here and for that I'm eternally grateful. Post and keep fighting. You will win and so glad your're in a safe enviorment. Love and hugs (((((Hyperfocus))))))Phillipa any time just babblemail me. Love and hugs again and cyber kisses xoxoxoxoox
Posted by SLS on February 24, 2009, at 6:18:03
In reply to Re: Hurting real bad - suicidal, long » JadeKelly, posted by HyperFocus on February 23, 2009, at 23:06:14
> Yeah well I paid a high price for not fighting back against bully. I have a lot of shame about this - I can't imagine telling people that I suffer from PTSD, social anxiety and depression all these years 'cause I got bullied continuously
Join the club. Bullying will do it. That's how my problems started in combination with stuff going on at home.
I actually score quite high on the "prisoner of war" axis on the MMPI. I'm not sure if that is an indicator that the bullying had that effect or if being severely depressed for so many years was like being in prison.
- Scott
This is the end of the thread.
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