![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by seemsnormal on February 18, 2003, at 9:30:56
I have been seeing a therapist and taking anti-D's for about five years now, but I'm trying to address another problem. I think I am a sexual addict, or sexual compulsive.
I believe I may have irreperably screwed up a relationship that was just in the rebuilding stages, thanks to my behavior. I had made plans over this Valentine's Day weekend to cheat on my boyfriend.
I dont want absolution in a diagnosis, I just want to know if other people out there are dealing with this. I feel despicable and low, selfish, mean and dirty right now. I am hitting a SCA meeting tonight, so I'll see how that goes. I quit drinking and drugs more than 10 years ago, but never had had the rock-bottom feeling I have now. The difference is I have hurt somebody I love so much. I've done this sort of thing before, and I think I may have blown my last chance. It would be too much to expect him to trust me again, but I have got to make some change. I want to be rid of this.
Anybody here have any experience with 12-step groups for this kind of thing?
My shrink doesnt really know the extent of this behavior. I have kept it even from him, because I am so ashamed of it. Talk to me, somebody.
Posted by rayww on February 18, 2003, at 12:31:20
In reply to sexual compulsives, posted by seemsnormal on February 18, 2003, at 9:30:56
It is hard to have strong values in a world that is so confused on the issues.
It is hard to have strong values when mood disorders affect our desires.
It's hard to have strong values when another person is being more kind to you than your partner.
However, the only way to help yourself is to help yourself. A pill won't correct an addiction that was fostered in a mood disorder. Action is more difficult to reverse than thought.
Writing helps. Avoidance of the person helps. Every time you resist just a little bit, it strengthens your resolve to resist the next time. Every time you succumb it decreases your ability to resist. The sooner you correct your behavior the easier it will be, but no matter what, it will not be easy. The easiest course through life is the one prescribed by the LDS church and its word of wisdom. You don't have to be a member to live by the values. I have been an active member all my life, and still have problems, but have managed to keep myself above the fall by clinging to obedience and to my values. Being close to God gives you additional power of protection.There is a balance beam called the "line" that divides right from wrong. As long as we don't climb up onto the line we will never fall over to the other side. So, if you can stay away from the line, and avoid the temptation to do the line dance, you will be safe. We often choose to dance the line. Unless you are really good at tight-rope dancing, it is not a safe place to play.
Avoid flirting. If you are falling, write a story. Express your fantasies in your story, there are no rules in the writing. You can create anything you want, and work it out to be the right ending too. Re-direct your desire toward something productive like writing or reading, or coming here for support. I don't know if this is the kind of support you are asking for, but it's all I have to offer. Good luck.
Posted by seemsnormal on February 18, 2003, at 15:10:32
In reply to Re: sexual compulsives, posted by rayww on February 18, 2003, at 12:31:20
> I don't know if this is the kind of support you are asking for, but it's all I have to offer. Good luck.
I'm not really sure what I was asking for either, but what you have to say is good and useful stuff. Thanks very much for taking the time to do that.
Posted by ricardo on February 19, 2003, at 9:08:48
In reply to Re: sexual compulsives, posted by seemsnormal on February 18, 2003, at 15:10:32
Hi
I felt like saying something, but I'm not sure I can... Only, maybe, that I've been there and I do understand the feeling of guilt you may have because of what you did to your boyfriend. I've been there! Only I was lucky enough for my boyfriend not to know about what was going on... I think the most important thing is for you to get rid of the feeling of guilt and, as far as it's possible, to protect your boyfriend's feelings. Don't let him know! I think that should be a first step. After that, I believe that trying to improve your self-esteem is also very important. Based on my own experience, I think that being sexually conpulsive is deeply connected to not liking oneself, and one's body, well enough. Maybe, re-thinking your relationship with your boyfriend is also key to understanding your problem. Do you really love him or are you used to his presence in your life? Aren't you addicted to him, too, in one way or another, rathen than truly in love with him? I wonder how close and interconnected sexual attraction and love really are. I thought that I was totally in love with a boyfriend I'd had for over 10 years. However, I could hardly touch him sexually! I wasn't brave enough to call off the relationship, or to have a "regular" love affair with another guy, but somehow I needed to vent my impulses... I don't know if any of what I've just said could be of any help, but these are things that happened to me and I thought I could share them with you! Basically, be a friend of yourself! Don't judge yourself!
Good luck
Ric
Posted by eloise on February 19, 2003, at 10:40:26
In reply to Re: sexual compulsives, posted by ricardo on February 19, 2003, at 9:08:48
I have hesitated to say something on this as well, because it is a most unattractive topic...but I will add this much: In your post that began this discussion I understood you to say that your boyfriend does know of your plans to cheat on him and that is the issue of concern. I attended several SCA meetings with a woman I was friends with and experienced not a small amount of outrage when she spoke about the origins of her behavior. Maybe she doesn't really love her husband, maybe she has low self-esteem, maybe she craves more attention than she gets at home, maybe she shouldn't feel guily as has been stated here. Well, boys, she was wrong and trying to put the blame elsewhere, guilt is our most valuable emotional asset. When you make plans to cheat on your boyfriend on Valentine's Day, I think you should feel very guilty, regardless of the current state of your relationship,and having him find out is nothing if not horrible. I think I would just curl up and die. Keeping that sort of information from a person is so very wrong when it comes to sexual promiscuity, do i need to say, in this day and age. I hope you fix what have done to him and then enjoy a happy joyful life with your next lover. Bless.
Posted by Bill L on February 19, 2003, at 14:11:06
In reply to sexual compulsives, posted by seemsnormal on February 18, 2003, at 9:30:56
I'm not used to giving advice on this sort of thing. But I would say that if he does not know about it, don't tell him! For what it's worth, when I used to read Ann Landers about 15 years a go, she always advised people to not tell their boyfriend or husband about an affair.
You said that you love him. Also, you are taking a good step by going to your meeting. Try not to beat up on yourself.
Posted by eloise on February 19, 2003, at 16:34:14
In reply to Re: sexual compulsives, posted by Bill L on February 19, 2003, at 14:11:06
My God, how truly revolting!!!!! Other people's lives are so subordinate to yours!!! Outrage again. Seemsnormal is so close to being like you jerks it scares me. Shame, Shame Shame, how cruel! How truly cruel a thought!
Posted by seemsnormal on February 19, 2003, at 16:55:45
In reply to Re: sexual compulsives, posted by eloise on February 19, 2003, at 16:34:14
What is it you find revolting, Eloise? I know that my behavior is awful. And I am trying to put it behind me, one day at a time. A few hours at a time, if I have to.
My boyfriend knows about this. I think the damage might be irreperable. I dont know what I think of the advice to have kept it a secret, it's no longer an option, but I appreciate people taking the time to share their experiences with me.
I am not really sure what I'm looking for right now. I guess when I started this thread yesterday I was looking for a place to talk until I could get to a meeting at night.
So, thanks for listening. I didnt mean to start anybody arguing.
Posted by Simcha on February 19, 2003, at 18:07:02
In reply to sexual compulsives, posted by seemsnormal on February 18, 2003, at 9:30:56
Hi Seemsnormal,
I've been in SCA for the past seven years. I'm very familiar with the program. I've received so much help there.
My progress has really come along as I've gotten sexually sober. Getting sober helped me realize that I had other issues like Major Depressive Disorder that require medication. One illness feeds the other in my case.
My story is long and terrible and I won't bore everyone with the details. Know this, if I can recover so can just about anyone else. Yes, it was that bad for me.
Take Care,
Simcha
Posted by Simcha on February 19, 2003, at 18:17:52
In reply to Re: sexual compulsives, posted by eloise on February 19, 2003, at 16:34:14
Eloise,
Please refrain from shaming anyone on this board. Try to remain civil. Shaming rarely helps anyone.
To all of you who thinks this is a moral issue,
You have no clue what Hell this addiction really is. It's not about having loose morals or making bad choices. Being a sex addict means that I had no choice. It meant that I had no ability to say, "No."
It is the same as food addiction or alcoholism or drug addiction. Most people don't get it. This is because there is deep denial about sex addiction in this country.
Anyway, I digress,
Seemsnormal,
Keep plugging away at meetings. They were my salvation. SCA was the only way I got sober. Listening to people who have no clue what this addiction does shaming me was not at all helpful. If you get upset I'd support you in not responding to the other shaming posters.
Dr. Bob,
If this thread is going to become a shame fest, please shut it down.
All,
I work with a therapist who knows Dr. Partrick Carnes personally. If you or anyone here has any questions about how sex addiction ruins lived please read his works such as:
"Don't Call It Love: Recovery from Sexual Addiction"
"Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction"
"In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior"
"Facing the Shadow: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery"
"Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred"Simcha
> My God, how truly revolting!!!!! Other people's lives are so subordinate to yours!!! Outrage again. Seemsnormal is so close to being like you jerks it scares me. Shame, Shame Shame, how cruel! How truly cruel a thought!
Posted by Tabitha on February 19, 2003, at 18:43:13
In reply to sexual compulsives, posted by seemsnormal on February 18, 2003, at 9:30:56
Hi, I had a good experience with SLAA, which was about an equal mix of love/romance addicts and sexual compulsives. There were people there who'd overcome sexual compulsion and had re-built their marriages. It's great that you're taking steps to identify the problem and seek support.
Posted by eloise on February 19, 2003, at 19:23:46
In reply to Re: sexual compulsives Dr. Bob Please Read!!! » eloise, posted by Simcha on February 19, 2003, at 18:17:52
I cannot disagree with you more!! The earlier post said NOT to tell her boyfriend she was cheating on him?! If that is the approach to HEALTH then I have very serious doubts about the sincerity of this board, I will say again, You, seemsnornal, have put another person at high risk for a disease that kills everyone it meets, and if the Doctor of this site puts happpy happy joybefore the horror or that king of death then I want out. I said nothing that i wouldnt expect someone who care about me to say. Judgemental? How dare you? Telling that creep to stop being a creep is not my say in this?
Posted by Dr. Bob on February 19, 2003, at 19:30:41
In reply to Re: sexual compulsives Dr. Bob Please Read!!!, posted by eloise on February 19, 2003, at 19:23:46
> Telling that creep to stop being a creep is not my say in this?
You're free to say that elsewhere, but here the idea is to be civil. So I'm going to block you from posting for a week now.
Bob
PS: Follow-ups regarding posting policies, and complaints about posts, should be redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration; otherwise, they may be deleted.
Posted by Tony P on February 20, 2003, at 0:24:15
In reply to sexual compulsives, posted by seemsnormal on February 18, 2003, at 9:30:56
You're not alone, seemsnormal.
I went through a treatment centre last year that combines treatment for depression with alcohol/drug addiction and any other compulsive behaviour. One of the things I learned, absolutely borne out by my own experience, is that I have one disease (plus depression), call it Addiction Disorder or whatever you're comfortable with, that manifests itself in a variety of behaviours, including sex addiction. Whenever I stop using one drug or compulsive behaviour, then another one is ready to fill the gap at once. While at the centre and separated from my other addictions, I developed an eating disorder!
I am a member of AA and NA, and the more meetings I go to, the less I feel any of my compulsions or craving. Is SCA a twelve-step group? Go for it. I have also found NA particularly helpful, as it talks only about "our addiction", regardless of what the addiction(s) are, although not every one may find NA a comfortable home.
I have reached the point where I have shared the generality of my sex addiction and some specifics with my sponsor, my counsellor, and a few peers. It helps! Secrets can kill us. Bravo to you for posting about it!
Tony P
> I have been seeing a therapist and taking anti-D's for about five years now, but I'm trying to address another problem. I think I am a sexual addict, or sexual compulsive.
>
> I believe I may have irreperably screwed up a relationship that was just in the rebuilding stages, thanks to my behavior. I had made plans over this Valentine's Day weekend to cheat on my boyfriend.
>
> I dont want absolution in a diagnosis, I just want to know if other people out there are dealing with this. I feel despicable and low, selfish, mean and dirty right now. I am hitting a SCA meeting tonight, so I'll see how that goes. I quit drinking and drugs more than 10 years ago, but never had had the rock-bottom feeling I have now. The difference is I have hurt somebody I love so much. I've done this sort of thing before, and I think I may have blown my last chance. It would be too much to expect him to trust me again, but I have got to make some change. I want to be rid of this.
>
> Anybody here have any experience with 12-step groups for this kind of thing?
>
> My shrink doesnt really know the extent of this behavior. I have kept it even from him, because I am so ashamed of it. Talk to me, somebody.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Medication | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.