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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by deli on July 22, 2002, at 15:41:57
It has been two months since this madness began with most unrelenting vengeance. I have been trying hard to do everything in my power to keep a positive outlook and not let negativity take a hold of who I am. But God, I have so changed, I am not even a shadow of my old self. I look at people and see them how they easily carry on with their lives and feel such jealousy. I am so tired of living like this. I have nothing to give. I don't even feel anything for my children whom two months ago I adored. Everyone else seems so happy. So full of life and dreams. I just pray to God to end it for me. I don't mind dying as long as I don't take the pain with me. I am tired of doctors, medications, vitamins, books, newsgroups, forced smiles, waking up, eating, make-up, happy people,walking around the house. I just want to sleep. I really think I am not going to get well. Maybe better but never like I was before , a self confident, go-getter, relaxed, loving mother and wife who loved her house her children and her husband. I am just writing this because I need to let it all out as I cry. Has anyone really been cured of this or are we going to be reading each others posts in ten years. I am sorry for being so negative but I really can't take it anymore. I'm done.
Posted by rjk on July 22, 2002, at 16:45:25
In reply to I don't feel good, posted by deli on July 22, 2002, at 15:41:57
Dear Deli,
I have just read your message and am very sorry to hear that you are obviously not feeling too good. You don't say whether or not you have been put on any medication, but rest assured that the vast majority of people who suffer from depresion will get over it even without drugs. If you can manage without them, do so. If you can't, then get your doc to put you on something that will help you get through what is no doubt a temporary situation.
Posted by katekite on July 22, 2002, at 17:00:44
In reply to I don't feel good, posted by deli on July 22, 2002, at 15:41:57
Last Monday I called my shrink about to toss in the towel. My method was all picked out. I had discussed it with him, he was OK with it in theory because he too believes people shouldn't have to exist in pain and discomfort if there is not any improvement after a reasonable period of time. He told me that time wasn't up yet (we had agreed on how long). As I hung up the phone I yelled an obscenity at him and told him he hadn't helped at all, that maybe I just wouldn't show up next time. It really didn't help to talk. I doubt anyone here knows how close I was to suicide over the last month. I was very close here and there.
I used to be a productive forward looking person and in the last 6 months I deteriorated to someone who couldn't go up the six steps to my front door without a half hour rest afterwards. Who's heart raced with feelings of fear when the july 4th firecrackers that I used to love went off.
So last monday after I got off the phone I looked over my cabinet of drugs again wanting to OD, and selected yet another to try in my rational approach of trying one thing after another until something helped. This time it was the BC pill. That had been really low on the list to try, just because I'd been on it years ago and it did nothing for my mood. I took one. An hour later I laughed at something on tv. An hour after that I felt ok enough to get up and make myself a sandwich. Today, one week later, my life is almost completely back: I'm still physically weak from not being able to do anything for so long. If I still had a job I could go. I'm not 100 percent but it has only been one week. I'm around 90%. It's an almost unbelievable transformation. I have been so happy in the last week as to drag my hubby out to jump off cliffs into a swimming hole AND enjoy every minute.
I don't think your solution is the BC pill, LOL. But everything IS chemical. The anti-depressants work. People do get better. Most people do get completely better. The people who don't get completely better are the ones who were never ok to begin with. Which is not you: you said you were a self-confident go getter, loving mom, etc.
You will be fine again. Hang in there. It is awful having to wait and wait and wait. Focus on a time that you felt good. Look at a photo album and remember how you felt. Hold on to that. You will be yourself again.
In fact you will be more: no one who hasn't gone through awful depression can appropriately cherish feeling good. You will cherish every moment. You will never forget this, but it will pass.
Kate
Posted by McPac on July 22, 2002, at 17:38:22
In reply to Re: I don't feel good, posted by katekite on July 22, 2002, at 17:00:44
Katekite,
you sound, for various reasons, more like you took a turn into a manic-type state.
You also said, "The people who don't get completely better are the ones who were never ok to begin with."
LOL! Not true. You said that in such an "absolute" way too, lol.
Posted by Essence on July 22, 2002, at 17:41:02
In reply to I don't feel good, posted by deli on July 22, 2002, at 15:41:57
Deli;
I read your post and think back 13 yrs ago (I was 28 yrs old) when this first started for me. I felt exactly the way you do now. I was always an energetic, in charge, strong, intellectual person. I was a loving wife, mom, dgtr, sister, etc. Then depression hit, along with anxiety and panic attacks. I was hospitalized twice in less than two months. I became indifferent towards my kids and my husband and my family and friends. I withdrew into my own black hell hole. I cried for the person I once was and would no longer be again (or so it seemed at the time). I hated people that were happy and getting on with life, I was resentful, jealous and downright pissed off that I was afflicted with this illness. It just wasn't fair, I didn't deserve this, I wanted to die. I was so fortunate to have a wonderful GP who took care of me at the time. He kept me in our local hospital and didn't send me to a mental hospital for my care. He worked closely via phone with a psydoc to get me on the mend and prescribed my first anti-d, it didn't work, he tried another, this time with success. I think my biggest barrier in my initial recovery was the fact that I did NOT want to be on meds, I saw this as a sign of weakness. That was so far from the truth now that I can look back. A strong person knows when to ask for help and will seek it. Your right about one thing, you will never be the person you were before this started. No one is once they have any kind of illness, be it physical or mental. You will be a better person because of it. What others take for granted, you will cherish. Deli, you will get better, please always remember that and never lose hope.
Ess
Posted by McPac on July 22, 2002, at 17:50:07
In reply to I don't feel good, posted by deli on July 22, 2002, at 15:41:57
deli
What is your diagnosis?
You will get better.
Take care.
Posted by McPac on July 22, 2002, at 17:51:47
In reply to I don't feel good, posted by deli on July 22, 2002, at 15:41:57
deli
I should add that you will get better but you have to find the appropriate treatment.
Posted by Mischief on July 22, 2002, at 19:21:45
In reply to I don't feel good, posted by deli on July 22, 2002, at 15:41:57
>
> It has been two months since this madness began with most unrelenting vengeance. I have been trying hard to do everything in my power to keep a positive outlook and not let negativity take a hold of who I am. But God, I have so changed, I am not even a shadow of my old self. I look at people and see them how they easily carry on with their lives and feel such jealousy. I am so tired of living like this. I have nothing to give. I don't even feel anything for my children whom two months ago I adored. Everyone else seems so happy. So full of life and dreams. I just pray to God to end it for me. I don't mind dying as long as I don't take the pain with me. I am tired of doctors, medications, vitamins, books, newsgroups, forced smiles, waking up, eating, make-up, happy people,walking around the house. I just want to sleep. I really think I am not going to get well. Maybe better but never like I was before , a self confident, go-getter, relaxed, loving mother and wife who loved her house her children and her husband. I am just writing this because I need to let it all out as I cry. Has anyone really been cured of this or are we going to be reading each others posts in ten years. I am sorry for being so negative but I really can't take it anymore. I'm done.I couldn't have said it better myself but it has been 16yrs for me. Read my post Reboxetine HELP.
Posted by deli on July 22, 2002, at 20:10:24
In reply to Re: I don't feel good, posted by Mischief on July 22, 2002, at 19:21:45
Thanks to all who replied. I am under treatment currently taking 80mg Prozac, 15 Remeron and Topamax in 25mg increments until an appropriate dosage is reached. My dx is Major Depression GAD excacerbated by PMS.
Katekite I have never taken birth control pill because I was under the impression that they could lead to depression. So I always avoided it like the plague.
I have been down this road before but it just doesn't get any easier. I hope you guys are right when you say there is hope. It would be pretty sad to just be prolonging my pain for nothing.
Posted by katekite on July 22, 2002, at 21:00:21
In reply to Re: I don't feel good, posted by McPac on July 22, 2002, at 17:38:22
McPac,
I'm interested to hear why you think I'm wrong. I don't like to be wrong, LOL. And I apologize if I was. I guess I was under the impression that people without pre-existing problems are more likely to get completely better and eventually be happy off of meds after a first episode of major depression, than those people who unfortunately have early onset major depression or have a second coexisting problem to the major depression. Can you explain?
I appreciate your concern that I might be manic. Playing like a kid at a swim hole is normal for me, when not depressed. Posting a lot is normal for me because I'm pretty much addicted to this site, LOL, especially when I'm supposed to be cleaning the house (oops). Getting quickly over my depression is expected when my ovarian failure is treated, and then finally diagnosed. So I don't think I'm manic, have never been close, but time will tell. I am glad you mentioned it.
Take care,
Kate
Posted by katekite on July 22, 2002, at 21:28:09
In reply to Re: I don't feel good, posted by deli on July 22, 2002, at 20:10:24
Deli, my story is under my post called estrogen above. I have premature menopause (I'm 31) which first showed up as mood swings and fatigue. The BC pills help me because they contain estrogen and progesterone which my ovaries can not make consistently. I absolutely don't think BC pills are an anti-depressant in any way, just that for me it turns out that was what the problem was.
As to whether BC pills make people feel worse, there have been studies and a few people feel worse, a few people feel better, and most feel no change. I think it probably only works on people who have a deficit to begin with.
In college I had a major depression and after a month or so started on Zoloft. I was much much better within 3 months, feeling ok enough to work, but still not quite right. It gradually got better and I felt completely fine about 5 or 6 months into the pills. I stopped them after 9 months on them, total, and had no problems for I think it was 2 years (and then it was a mild depression the next time). I think that is a much more typical way for people to recover from major depression (gradually) than the better-in-a-day thing I described above.
I shared the better-in-a-day story for two reasons: to show that people can get much better quickly, and secondly on the bizarre off chance that you could have any hormonal issue.
It is possible, no matter how gradual the recovery is, to feel the same as before. I swear this time I thought I must have damaged myself from crying all the time, but apparently not. Underneath the depression its the same brain as before.
10% of women have a major depressive episode in their lives. If we stayed depressed you'd have met a lot more depressed people. It feels like you will always be depressed because during depression your brain just says that. But statistics bet otherwise.
Take care,
Kate
Posted by 122296 on July 22, 2002, at 22:20:26
In reply to I don't feel good, posted by deli on July 22, 2002, at 15:41:57
Hi,
I hope you are feeling a little better after you let it all out. I'm not sure if you have seen a psychiatrist or not. If you haven't, please seek professional help. I work with children that take many, many different medications. The only thing that I can say to you is that without them, they are not themselves and would not be living a productive life. There are professionals that can help us. Please be patient and don't despair.
God bless,
Posted by deli on July 23, 2002, at 9:20:28
In reply to Re: I don't feel good, posted by 122296 on July 22, 2002, at 22:20:26
I have an follow up appt with my pdoc today. We
will see what he says.Katekite, I got my period today. Talk about hormones. Also I have been noticing hot flashes and mild loss of hair. The problem is that drs. don't take you seriously when you begin to tell them all these symptoms. They look at your chart and see that you suffer from depression and immediately infer psychiatric complaints. I have always suspected there is something else besides the depression itself. But doctors are so difficult to talk to. I hate the face they make when you are trying your best to describe how you feel. It is almost like they are thinking did I feed the dog, or did I turn off the sprinkler? I hate it. Anyway I will keep you posted upon my return from my pdoc who has the personality of an unpainted cement wall. But he means well....
Deli;)
Posted by rin on July 23, 2002, at 11:50:59
In reply to Re: I don't feel good, posted by deli on July 22, 2002, at 20:10:24
Deli,
I read your message and was unable to take a breathe until I finished viewing it. This hopeless feeling is certainly the closest to hell anyone ever wants to be.
I, you, a many many people (can you tell I am stressing the fact you are not alone (ha) ), long for the person we once were. YOU are in contol of that....take that with a glass of water next time you pop your pills!!! You do have the tools to work with,,,,I believe it's a matter of remembering how to use them. The meds help, most certainly. Please don't forget that sometimes you must be very selfish in order to survive.
You will be no good to anyone if you don't take care of your needs first. The pressure from family, kids, hubbies, siblings and friends becomes overwhelming....mostly we put that pressure on ourselves instead of them putting it on us.
I will keep you in my prayers....
You are not alone.
Rin
Posted by katekite on July 23, 2002, at 17:28:19
In reply to Re: I don't feel good, posted by deli on July 23, 2002, at 9:20:28
Yes its as if right before you start talking they ironed their face. Boy do I know that look. My husband does a much better job of looking interested, while listening to me and reading the paper, LOL.
One of my symptoms more recently was feeling like bugs were crawling under my skin. Try saying that to a pdoc. They lose the ironed look for just an instant, and give a gentle knowing nod while saying, "tell me more about that feeling." (It turns out that its blood vessels spasming for some reason.)
Let me know how the appointment went. I have an appointment tomorrow with an endocrinologist, a woman, who specializes in menopause and who researches estrogen's effects on the brain. I can't wait. -- kate
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