Posted by katekite on July 22, 2002, at 17:00:44
In reply to I don't feel good, posted by deli on July 22, 2002, at 15:41:57
Last Monday I called my shrink about to toss in the towel. My method was all picked out. I had discussed it with him, he was OK with it in theory because he too believes people shouldn't have to exist in pain and discomfort if there is not any improvement after a reasonable period of time. He told me that time wasn't up yet (we had agreed on how long). As I hung up the phone I yelled an obscenity at him and told him he hadn't helped at all, that maybe I just wouldn't show up next time. It really didn't help to talk. I doubt anyone here knows how close I was to suicide over the last month. I was very close here and there.
I used to be a productive forward looking person and in the last 6 months I deteriorated to someone who couldn't go up the six steps to my front door without a half hour rest afterwards. Who's heart raced with feelings of fear when the july 4th firecrackers that I used to love went off.
So last monday after I got off the phone I looked over my cabinet of drugs again wanting to OD, and selected yet another to try in my rational approach of trying one thing after another until something helped. This time it was the BC pill. That had been really low on the list to try, just because I'd been on it years ago and it did nothing for my mood. I took one. An hour later I laughed at something on tv. An hour after that I felt ok enough to get up and make myself a sandwich. Today, one week later, my life is almost completely back: I'm still physically weak from not being able to do anything for so long. If I still had a job I could go. I'm not 100 percent but it has only been one week. I'm around 90%. It's an almost unbelievable transformation. I have been so happy in the last week as to drag my hubby out to jump off cliffs into a swimming hole AND enjoy every minute.
I don't think your solution is the BC pill, LOL. But everything IS chemical. The anti-depressants work. People do get better. Most people do get completely better. The people who don't get completely better are the ones who were never ok to begin with. Which is not you: you said you were a self-confident go getter, loving mom, etc.
You will be fine again. Hang in there. It is awful having to wait and wait and wait. Focus on a time that you felt good. Look at a photo album and remember how you felt. Hold on to that. You will be yourself again.
In fact you will be more: no one who hasn't gone through awful depression can appropriately cherish feeling good. You will cherish every moment. You will never forget this, but it will pass.
Kate
poster:katekite
thread:113290
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020718/msgs/113304.html