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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Cass on August 13, 2000, at 21:24:18
I've met a wonderful man. We've known each other a little over a month now, and we spend a lot of time together. Our world views are remarkably similar. So are our backgrounds. I have fallen in love. He loves me too. It has been a long time since I have felt this way, and I am scared. I afraid that something will ruin it. I'm beginning to feel emotionally paralyzed, and I'm not feeling in the now. This has just been for the last couple of days. I guess I just realized how wonderful this is, and I want it to last, and I'm so afraid that it won't. He is a truly decent person. He is empathetic, sensitive, intelligent, he has the courage of his convictions, he's funny, he's not afraid to be unconventional which is important to me, he's not a mindless follower, and he has character. I'm in love. I just wish I were not so gripped with fear. I have never been involved with a man who I respected so deeply. I want him to love me forever. I feel that if this relationship failed for some reason, I would never again meet someone so wonderful. I live in a conservative area and people here tend to be pretty shallow. There are financial and health reasons for my living here, so I really cannot move. I love him. I don't want to lose him. He moved to this area recently and is looking for work here. If he cannot find work here in his occupation, he may have to move back to the area he came from. There is more industry there. That is a terrible thought for me. I've always dreamed of meeting a man with truly good character whom I could really respect. I have, and I don't want to lose him.
Posted by Cindy W on August 14, 2000, at 8:40:09
In reply to Terrified: Falling in love, posted by Cass on August 13, 2000, at 21:24:18
> I've met a wonderful man. We've known each other a little over a month now, and we spend a lot of time together. Our world views are remarkably similar. So are our backgrounds. I have fallen in love. He loves me too. It has been a long time since I have felt this way, and I am scared. I afraid that something will ruin it. I'm beginning to feel emotionally paralyzed, and I'm not feeling in the now. This has just been for the last couple of days. I guess I just realized how wonderful this is, and I want it to last, and I'm so afraid that it won't. He is a truly decent person. He is empathetic, sensitive, intelligent, he has the courage of his convictions, he's funny, he's not afraid to be unconventional which is important to me, he's not a mindless follower, and he has character. I'm in love. I just wish I were not so gripped with fear. I have never been involved with a man who I respected so deeply. I want him to love me forever. I feel that if this relationship failed for some reason, I would never again meet someone so wonderful. I live in a conservative area and people here tend to be pretty shallow. There are financial and health reasons for my living here, so I really cannot move. I love him. I don't want to lose him. He moved to this area recently and is looking for work here. If he cannot find work here in his occupation, he may have to move back to the area he came from. There is more industry there. That is a terrible thought for me. I've always dreamed of meeting a man with truly good character whom I could really respect. I have, and I don't want to lose him.
Cass, I'm very happy for you! Enjoy the time you spend together and don't worry so much about whether it will last or about conservative people. Life is too short to worry about whether things will last! Hope things continue to go well for you!
Posted by Kath on August 14, 2000, at 10:49:52
In reply to Terrified: Falling in love, posted by Cass on August 13, 2000, at 21:24:18
Hi Cass. I think I'd feel exactly the same way!! Sounds like you're afraid to go with your feelings in case he doesn't get a job there & moves. I have some 'wonders'. I wonder:
- have you shared your feelings with him? If he's as wonderful as you're describing, sounds like he'd try to understand & discuss things. I personally think it would be a really good idea. This is alot to burden yourself with & not share. I'm sure he would want to know what you're feeling/going through.
- do you know where he'd move to if he moves? This could also be something you 2 could discuss.
- are there areas where both your needs & his needs could be met?
It sounds like an exciting development in your life. Keep us posted.Take care. Kath
> I've met a wonderful man. We've known each other a little over a month now, and we spend a lot of time together. Our world views are remarkably similar. So are our backgrounds. I have fallen in love. He loves me too. It has been a long time since I have felt this way, and I am scared. I afraid that something will ruin it. I'm beginning to feel emotionally paralyzed, and I'm not feeling in the now. This has just been for the last couple of days. I guess I just realized how wonderful this is, and I want it to last, and I'm so afraid that it won't. He is a truly decent person. He is empathetic, sensitive, intelligent, he has the courage of his convictions, he's funny, he's not afraid to be unconventional which is important to me, he's not a mindless follower, and he has character. I'm in love. I just wish I were not so gripped with fear. I have never been involved with a man who I respected so deeply. I want him to love me forever. I feel that if this relationship failed for some reason, I would never again meet someone so wonderful. I live in a conservative area and people here tend to be pretty shallow. There are financial and health reasons for my living here, so I really cannot move. I love him. I don't want to lose him. He moved to this area recently and is looking for work here. If he cannot find work here in his occupation, he may have to move back to the area he came from. There is more industry there. That is a terrible thought for me. I've always dreamed of meeting a man with truly good character whom I could really respect. I have, and I don't want to lose him.
Posted by Andre Allard on August 14, 2000, at 18:51:08
In reply to Terrified: Falling in love, posted by Cass on August 13, 2000, at 21:24:18
Wow there Cass!You have only known the guy for a month and you are already planning the rest of your life with him. MISTAKE # 1!
If a trained psychiatrist had just read your post he would have a lot to say about it. I have studied the causes and treatment of unsuccessful love so I might be able to help you a bit.
It is way to late to mention that a month into a relationship, you should be seeing him no more then once or twice a week. So I think it is safe to say that you jumped into things quickly.
If I met a wonderful women who did not even know if she would be staying in my city, I would right then and there make a choice to not become to close to her. If she did decide to stay, then I can let my feelings go. If she decides to move away I would obviousley be upset but I would not be devasted because I kept my space in case she did choose to move. Although I am sure he is a wonderful man, if you had done things this way you would be in a much better situation right know.
The fact is that you have already fallen in love. So forget what you have done and concentrate on what you have to do from here. If he decides not to stay you are going to be in a lot of trouble.
You are making some demands in the relationship that you might not be aware of. You are demanding that this man love you forever and that he care about you in the same way you do for him. This is a big mistake. You cannot control his feelings. It might be that he will not love you as you do for him. And since you are demanding this from him, you are setting yourself up to be hurt and hurt badly.
If you two do not stay together, I can guarantee you that if you really want to, you can meet someone else and fall in love. You might not be able to see this right know, but I guarantee it.
By now, you might be saying, "who the hell does this guy think he is". Well, I have been in your exact situation, demanding the same things. Let's just say that my fairy tale did not come true and because of the mistakes I made (some are identical to yours) I do not think that I will ever get over that relationship.
You have put yourself in a very, very, very vulnerable situation that I think only a trained psychiatrist can help you with. I am scared for you as well because I know how bad it hurts when things do not work out as planned. Good Luck!
Posted by Rhainy on August 15, 2000, at 10:00:01
In reply to Re: Terrified: Falling in love, posted by Andre Allard on August 14, 2000, at 18:51:08
> Wow there Cass!You have only known the guy for a month and you are already planning the rest of your life with him. MISTAKE # 1!
I Must disagree here...I had met my Beloved only in letter and over the phone before meeting and falling in love On The Spot...10 years together, we have weathered many things, including the loss of our daughter who was stillborn. We are still Very Much In Love and Together. I will also mention at present we are going through a Very serious time in our relationship and dealing with some very difficult issues, which we are dealing with by openly and without judgement discussing and working through until we can come to a point of acceptable conclusion.
> You are making some demands in the relationship that you might not be aware of. You are demanding that this man love you forever and that he care about you in the same way you do for him. This is a big mistake. You cannot control his feelings. It might be that he will not love you as you do for him. And since you are demanding this from him, you are setting yourself up to be hurt and hurt badly.
>As long as *True Communications* are going on, the relationship can blossom the way it is Meant to happen...adn that does not allow for *Controling* issues to become issues. Yes I agree there are some *hidden* demands, but he will also have his own set of them. Yet if the relationship cannot delevope with full communications...an ending is pre-disposed to faliure regardless of the demands, hidden or otherwise.
> If you two do not stay together, I can guarantee you that if you really want to, you can meet someone else and fall in love. You might not be able to see this right know, but I guarantee it.
>I do not totally agree that one can *Always Find* another to fall in love with. There may or may not be that *One Person* but, I personally believe we all have a *Soulmate* tho maybe we have more than one..I could accept this as a possibility. I have found mine and though we have problems we work through them with deep Honest talks.
> By now, you might be saying, "who the hell does this guy think he is". Well, I have been in your exact situation, demanding the same things. Let's just say that my fairy tale did not come true and because of the mistakes I made (some are identical to yours) I do not think that I will ever get over that relationship.
>
You can get over the pain and hurt, I know, I was there too...It is a Long hard road, but very, very possible with good support and maybe even therapy. I know I needed it myself.> You have put yourself in a very, very, very vulnerable situation that I think only a trained psychiatrist can help you with. I am scared for you as well because I know how bad it hurts when things do not work out as planned. Good Luck!
Any relationship will put you in a Very Vunlerable position...but the key to making the relationship the best it can be regardless of the long term outcome is Open, Honest Clear Communications....without this any relationship is doomed to failure from the beginning IMHO.
Good luck to all,
Rhainy
Posted by Cass on August 15, 2000, at 21:30:13
In reply to Re: Terrified: Falling in love » Andre Allard, posted by Rhainy on August 15, 2000, at 10:00:01
Thanks for your responses. They were all supportive and helpful. I was not offended by your post, Andre. Although it was hard hitting, you had some good points. It is looking more and more like my boyfriend will have to move out of the area in order to secure his career and future. If this happens, he will still come down to my place of week-ends. It's nice to feel understood and appreciated, so I'm glad the relationship will not end all together, but I'm still going through a rough time. I've fallen pretty hard for him as you all know.
This is the end of the thread.
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