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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 33. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Rach on June 16, 2000, at 21:39:28
I feel like a rubber band, stretched to the limits. Anything, at any moment, has the potential to send me over the edge, snapping me in half. I am constantly living on the edge of a deep chasm, teetering on tip-toes. A feather could send me tumbling into the darkest depths below. My friends and family are watching from the other side. Unable to touch me, unable to pull me back from the danger. I can see them screaming for me, and occasionally a word or two drifts over to me, breaking into my sphere. The air around me is thick and suffocating. I am in my own bubble, ignoring everyone and everything. And it was ME who placed myself here.
My stomach is churning. My heart is aching. I am physically in pain. I have been holding back a turrent of tears for so long now. I am terrified that once I start crying, I will never be able to stop. I need to sob. I need to be held by someone who loves me. I do not have the courage to show that extent of emotion. Not even to my family who loves me unconditionally. I need so much, but I won't allow myself to fulfill those needs.
I am still in the middle of exams. I am stressed. I am depressed. The dam of tears I have built up over many, many years is starting to show signs of fatigue. It is cracking. I keep patching up the cracks. I have to hold on until the end of exams - I cannot free myself to the truth just yet.
It hurts.
Posted by claire 7 on June 16, 2000, at 22:36:09
In reply to my heavy heart, posted by Rach on June 16, 2000, at 21:39:28
Rach: You didn't place yourself there. It's not your fault. Please consider that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! Good vibes (from an old grandmotherly person) coming your way. Claire
Posted by Cindy W on June 16, 2000, at 22:48:34
In reply to my heavy heart, posted by Rach on June 16, 2000, at 21:39:28
> I feel like a rubber band, stretched to the limits. Anything, at any moment, has the potential to send me over the edge, snapping me in half. I am constantly living on the edge of a deep chasm, teetering on tip-toes. A feather could send me tumbling into the darkest depths below. My friends and family are watching from the other side. Unable to touch me, unable to pull me back from the danger. I can see them screaming for me, and occasionally a word or two drifts over to me, breaking into my sphere. The air around me is thick and suffocating. I am in my own bubble, ignoring everyone and everything. And it was ME who placed myself here.
>
> My stomach is churning. My heart is aching. I am physically in pain. I have been holding back a turrent of tears for so long now. I am terrified that once I start crying, I will never be able to stop. I need to sob. I need to be held by someone who loves me. I do not have the courage to show that extent of emotion. Not even to my family who loves me unconditionally. I need so much, but I won't allow myself to fulfill those needs.
>
> I am still in the middle of exams. I am stressed. I am depressed. The dam of tears I have built up over many, many years is starting to show signs of fatigue. It is cracking. I keep patching up the cracks. I have to hold on until the end of exams - I cannot free myself to the truth just yet.
>
> It hurts.Rach, you've made a good start, letting people know how you feel. Keep us posted, and hang in there. Am sending virtual hugs your way!!!!
Posted by shar on June 17, 2000, at 5:00:27
In reply to my heavy heart, posted by Rach on June 16, 2000, at 21:39:28
Rach,
Hold on loose or tight, whatever works for you. I sense that you are determined to keep it together until exams are over. Good luck to you, and keep writing!I'll be sending you healthy, loving-yourself, and Luck vibes.
S
Posted by tina on June 17, 2000, at 8:13:22
In reply to Hold on, Rach, posted by shar on June 17, 2000, at 5:00:27
>Ditto from me too Rach. Sounds like you have a lot of strength, don't forget that. When your strenght gives way to tears it's ok, we'll be here to give you support and love. If you can't allow your family in because you love them and it's too hard you can get a lot of help and support here from people that you don't have to worry about hurting or disappointing. We love you no matter what. Hang in there. Warm hugs--Tina
Rach,
> Hold on loose or tight, whatever works for you. I sense that you are determined to keep it together until exams are over. Good luck to you, and keep writing!
>
> I'll be sending you healthy, loving-yourself, and Luck vibes.
>
> S
Posted by Todd on June 17, 2000, at 11:18:31
In reply to Re: Hold on, Rach, posted by tina on June 17, 2000, at 8:13:22
Rachel, you are BEAUTIFUL. Your warmth and compassion just radiate from your post and you really move me. Your have such an wonderful talent for expressing yourself; your words are like brushstrokes and your emotions the subject. What an incredible work of art! You are SO in touch with your emotions right now, and it's exactly where you need to be. I agree and disagree with Claire - it really isn't your fault, you didn't do anything wrong. But like you acknowledged, you did bring yourself here: PRECISELY here to this point in your life. You did this so that you can heal yourself.
You are staring up at that dam, cracks and fissures letting the water start to spring out, wondering how it's all going to hold. You might imagine a seething, malevolent torrent pushing against the other side, the side you can't see. But it has been your courage and strength that has brought you here, so close to this psychic hulk of stone and concrete in your life. Most people don't even know they have dams to inspect, let alone gather the willpower to bring themselves face to face with them. You are a strong soul, and you wouldn't have brought yourself here if you didn't have what it takes to start working on that dam.
You'll make it through your exams, and you'll be fine. Grit your teeth and keep pushing. One of the reasons that dam seems so imposing is because of the added pressure your exams are giving you. When they're over, you can breathe and give yourself the rest you need to collect yourself. The dam isn't going to break, Rach. You are the one who put it there a long, long time ago. And if you want it to stand a while longer, it will. Guaranteed. I've been there. But as you start inspecting it and checking it out, I am sure you are going to realize that the dam hasn't been serving you very well lately. It once worked wonderfully, and served to make your life run smoothly. But it has served its purpose. The time has come to really inspect it and find out if that dam really serves you well anymore. You know that; I can sense it. Beautiful rivers are meant to FLOW. You're already flowing; flow on!
We're all here to give you support.Peace and Love,
Todd
Posted by Sara T on June 17, 2000, at 12:29:42
In reply to my heavy heart, posted by Rach on June 16, 2000, at 21:39:28
> I feel like a rubber band, stretched to the limits. Anything, at any moment, has the potential to send me over the edge, snapping me in half. I am constantly living on the edge of a deep chasm, teetering on tip-toes. A feather could send me tumbling into the darkest depths below. My friends and family are watching from the other side. Unable to touch me, unable to pull me back from the danger. I can see them screaming for me, and occasionally a word or two drifts over to me, breaking into my sphere. The air around me is thick and suffocating. I am in my own bubble, ignoring everyone and everything. And it was ME who placed myself here.
>
> My stomach is churning. My heart is aching. I am physically in pain. I have been holding back a turrent of tears for so long now. I am terrified that once I start crying, I will never be able to stop. I need to sob. I need to be held by someone who loves me. I do not have the courage to show that extent of emotion. Not even to my family who loves me unconditionally. I need so much, but I won't allow myself to fulfill those needs.
>
> I am still in the middle of exams. I am stressed. I am depressed. The dam of tears I have built up over many, many years is starting to show signs of fatigue. It is cracking. I keep patching up the cracks. I have to hold on until the end of exams - I cannot free myself to the truth just yet.
>
> It hurts.Rach,
Hang in there and you will be better! I agree with all of the others. You have such a beautiful power to express yourself. You can visualize so maybe you can use that power to see yourself to the other side of the dark place you find yourself in now.
Exams are so stressful. No doubt that is adding to your depression.
((((((rach)))))))) cyberhugs,
Sara T.
Posted by CarolAnn on June 18, 2000, at 18:37:31
In reply to my heavy heart, posted by Rach on June 16, 2000, at 21:39:28
Rach, most of the people who write here have been exactly where you are, I know I have. The thing is, we have all survived and you will too.
This is going to sound stupid, but it worked for me when I was very close to suicide:It's called visualization. You wrote that you need to be held and comforted by someone who loves you, so as often as you can, take a quiet moment and imagine the person who loves you best in the whole world. It can be anyone, from any time, it can even be a made up person(I made up a person who I wished that I could become in the future, myself as a wise, warm, wonderful, woman who loves me totally and unconditionally). If you want you can use God or Jesus or whoever in the visualization.
After you know who this, unconditionally loving, person is, imagine yourself as a small child, like 4 or 5. Now, as hard as you can, imagine the feeling of being held and loved and comforted by this person who loves you no matter what has happened in your life. Imagine how it feels to be wrapped in warm arms, a gentle hand stroking your hair, a soft voice, comforting words-"It's all right, I'm here for you, I love you, you were born for me to love, you are a precious gift of life, and I will be here for you now and for always."
Rach, I know this sounds nutty, and at first you may not get any comfort from it, but I swear, the more you do the visualization, the more real it will become. And, when it begins to feel real, you will be comforted. And, if you just can't do it, remember one thing: The whole time I was writing it, I was there. I was that person, I held you, and comforted you, and loved you with all my heart. You truly are a precious gift of life. CarolAnn
Posted by Deb R on June 20, 2000, at 4:24:52
In reply to my heavy heart, posted by Rach on June 16, 2000, at 21:39:28
Hi Rach
How are you? Have your exams finished yet - my friends daughter has her last exam tomorrow (I am from the West) so I wonder if you are on a similar schedule? Anyway, let us know how you are doing when you get the chance...
Best wishes,
Deb.
Posted by shar on June 21, 2000, at 1:14:12
In reply to Re: You CAN do this....., posted by CarolAnn on June 18, 2000, at 18:37:31
The visualization you described, Carol Ann, was wonderful. I've tried to do that (visualize) but couldn't get the hang of it. Your description was very helpful and hopeful. Thank you.
Rach -- I have been thinking about you also, and hoping you are doing ok. When you have time, I hope you will let us know how you are. (BTW, you certainly have a way with words; I found your message title very eloquent.)
S
Posted by noa on June 22, 2000, at 6:39:03
In reply to Re: my heavy heart - Rach, posted by Deb R on June 20, 2000, at 4:24:52
Rach, hope you are enduring through the finals.
Posted by Cindy W on June 22, 2000, at 8:56:24
In reply to Re: my heavy heart - Rach, posted by noa on June 22, 2000, at 6:39:03
> Rach, hope you are enduring through the finals.
Rach, hope your finals are nearly over and that things are going OK!
Noa, glad to hear from you! How are you?
Posted by noa on June 22, 2000, at 11:35:27
In reply to Re: my heavy heart - Rach, posted by Cindy W on June 22, 2000, at 8:56:24
Cindy, I am doing well. I decided to stop in for a visit. How are you?
Posted by Cindy W on June 22, 2000, at 21:27:07
In reply to Re: my heavy heart - Rach, posted by noa on June 22, 2000, at 11:35:27
> Cindy, I am doing well. I decided to stop in for a visit. How are you?
Noa, I'm glad you decided to visit and are doing well! I'm doing OK too (although it was hard today at work, with none of the 6-8 pepsis or Mountain Dew drinks I've been trying to quit!). ;) Best wishes to you!!!
Posted by Rach on June 23, 2000, at 5:28:50
In reply to Re: my heavy heart - Rach » noa, posted by Cindy W on June 22, 2000, at 21:27:07
Hi everyone,
Thank you all so much for your wonderful posts. I have been reading every day, but haven't had the strength to post back to you all. My exams finished yesterday, and I'm going to spend the next three weeks doing absolutely nothing. The night my exams finished I sobbed for a couple of hours - and now I am feeling a lot better. When I have more strength, I will give you all a decent reply.
Thank you again for your support, encouragement and kind words (some of you evoked tears and great emotion at the love conveyed by you).
I will write again soon, and answer you all directly.
Rach
Posted by noa on June 23, 2000, at 8:19:03
In reply to Re: my heavy heart - Rach » noa, posted by Cindy W on June 22, 2000, at 21:27:07
>it was hard today at work, with none of the 6-8 pepsis or Mountain Dew drinks I've been trying to quit!
Going cold turkey, eh? Brave woman!
Posted by noa on June 23, 2000, at 8:19:56
In reply to Re: my heavy heart - Rach, posted by Rach on June 23, 2000, at 5:28:50
Congratulations, Rach!!!!
Now you relax a bit and give yourself some healing time. Keep in touch.
Posted by Cindy W on June 23, 2000, at 9:13:54
In reply to Re: my heavy heart - Rach, posted by noa on June 23, 2000, at 8:19:03
> >it was hard today at work, with none of the 6-8 pepsis or Mountain Dew drinks I've been trying to quit!
>
> Going cold turkey, eh? Brave woman!Thanks, Noa! Yes, I went cold turkey (am only having one diet Dr. Pepper per day and the rest water). I feel very tired but otherwise OK. Glad you're back, even if you're just visiting!
Posted by Todd on June 24, 2000, at 7:48:28
In reply to Re: my heavy heart - Rach, posted by Rach on June 23, 2000, at 5:28:50
Hey, Rach. You made it, baby! Congratulations, I hope all went well. Take this time for YOURSELF, because you deserve it. Man, I am sounding like a Budweiser commercial. Heehee. Keep us posted when you're ready...we all love you!
Todd
Posted by Rach on June 24, 2000, at 21:18:43
In reply to Re: my heavy heart - Rach, posted by Cindy W on June 22, 2000, at 8:56:24
Dear Cindy,
Thank you for your hugs and your support. I feel so loved and cherished with all the messages I recieved here. Good luck with your 'cold turkey effort' - I'll certainly be around if you need support.
Rach
Posted by Rach on June 24, 2000, at 21:33:40
In reply to Re: Hold on, Rach, posted by tina on June 17, 2000, at 8:13:22
> >Ditto from me too Rach. Sounds like you have a lot of strength, don't forget that. When your strenght gives way to tears it's ok, we'll be here to give you support and love. If you can't allow your family in because you love them and it's too hard you can get a lot of help and support here from people that you don't have to worry about hurting or disappointing. We love you no matter what. Hang in there. Warm hugs--Tina
Dear Tina,
Thank you for your encouragement, strength and love. I appreciate everything you all have given me - kind words and warm comfort when I have needed it. Even when I have not been able to reply, everyone still kept posting. That was very important, because I was lurking and reading every day. So thank you all for not giving up on me.
Hugs and love,
Rach
Posted by Rach on June 24, 2000, at 21:37:21
In reply to Rach and Carol Ann, posted by shar on June 21, 2000, at 1:14:12
> Rach -- I have been thinking about you also, and hoping you are doing ok. When you have time, I hope you will let us know how you are. (BTW, you certainly have a way with words; I found your message title very eloquent.)
>
> SDear shar,
Thank you for replying when I needed someone to be there for me. Thank you for sending out 'warm fuzzies' to me, and for helping me to believe in myself and to begin the process of learning to accept myself, to love myself, and to find the reasons behind mt depression.
Hugs back to you, and thank you for your love.
You have a kind spirit.Rach
Posted by Rach on June 24, 2000, at 21:39:28
In reply to Re: my heavy heart, posted by Sara T on June 17, 2000, at 12:29:42
> Rach,
>
> Hang in there and you will be better! I agree with all of the others. You have such a beautiful power to express yourself. You can visualize so maybe you can use that power to see yourself to the other side of the dark place you find yourself in now.
>
> Exams are so stressful. No doubt that is adding to your depression.
>
> ((((((rach)))))))) cyberhugs,
>
> Sara T.Dear Sara,
Thank you for your encouragement and hugs. They meant a lot to mean in a time that was very bleak and depressing. The love shown to me here has been overwhelming and awe-inspiring. I thank you all.
Hugs back,
Rach
Posted by Rach on June 24, 2000, at 21:47:35
In reply to Re: Hold on, Rach, posted by Todd on June 17, 2000, at 11:18:31
> Rachel, you are BEAUTIFUL. Your warmth and compassion just radiate from your post and you really move me. Your have such an wonderful talent for expressing yourself; your words are like brushstrokes and your emotions the subject. What an incredible work of art! You are SO in touch with your emotions right now, and it's exactly where you need to be. I agree and disagree with Claire - it really isn't your fault, you didn't do anything wrong. But like you acknowledged, you did bring yourself here: PRECISELY here to this point in your life. You did this so that you can heal yourself.
>
> You are staring up at that dam, cracks and fissures letting the water start to spring out, wondering how it's all going to hold. You might imagine a seething, malevolent torrent pushing against the other side, the side you can't see. But it has been your courage and strength that has brought you here, so close to this psychic hulk of stone and concrete in your life. Most people don't even know they have dams to inspect, let alone gather the willpower to bring themselves face to face with them. You are a strong soul, and you wouldn't have brought yourself here if you didn't have what it takes to start working on that dam.
>
> You'll make it through your exams, and you'll be fine. Grit your teeth and keep pushing. One of the reasons that dam seems so imposing is because of the added pressure your exams are giving you. When they're over, you can breathe and give yourself the rest you need to collect yourself. The dam isn't going to break, Rach. You are the one who put it there a long, long time ago. And if you want it to stand a while longer, it will. Guaranteed. I've been there. But as you start inspecting it and checking it out, I am sure you are going to realize that the dam hasn't been serving you very well lately. It once worked wonderfully, and served to make your life run smoothly. But it has served its purpose. The time has come to really inspect it and find out if that dam really serves you well anymore. You know that; I can sense it. Beautiful rivers are meant to FLOW. You're already flowing; flow on!
> We're all here to give you support.
>
> Peace and Love,
> ToddDearest Todd,
Your post to me was magical. I have said it so many times already, but I know I cannot say it enough. THANK YOU, from the depths of my soul. It was an extremely emotional and stressful time because I wanted to regain the strength and courage to be that flowing river, but I knew that I would never survive my exams if I let go too soon. Holding onto that pressure behind the cracking walls was so draining and depressive. Your post gave me the will and power to get through my exams, and not to fear breaking down the dam.
Thank you. Your post was eloquent and moving, you induced tears for your support, your belief in me, and your soul shining from your words. Thank you.
I wish you peace also (and never worry about becoming a beer commercial!!)
Love Rach
Posted by Rach on June 24, 2000, at 22:11:22
In reply to Re: You CAN do this....., posted by CarolAnn on June 18, 2000, at 18:37:31
> Rach, most of the people who write here have been exactly where you are, I know I have. The thing is, we have all survived and you will too.
> This is going to sound stupid, but it worked for me when I was very close to suicide:
>
> It's called visualization. You wrote that you need to be held and comforted by someone who loves you, so as often as you can, take a quiet moment and imagine the person who loves you best in the whole world. It can be anyone, from any time, it can even be a made up person(I made up a person who I wished that I could become in the future, myself as a wise, warm, wonderful, woman who loves me totally and unconditionally). If you want you can use God or Jesus or whoever in the visualization.
> After you know who this, unconditionally loving, person is, imagine yourself as a small child, like 4 or 5. Now, as hard as you can, imagine the feeling of being held and loved and comforted by this person who loves you no matter what has happened in your life. Imagine how it feels to be wrapped in warm arms, a gentle hand stroking your hair, a soft voice, comforting words-"It's all right, I'm here for you, I love you, you were born for me to love, you are a precious gift of life, and I will be here for you now and for always."
> Rach, I know this sounds nutty, and at first you may not get any comfort from it, but I swear, the more you do the visualization, the more real it will become. And, when it begins to feel real, you will be comforted. And, if you just can't do it, remember one thing: The whole time I was writing it, I was there. I was that person, I held you, and comforted you, and loved you with all my heart. You truly are a precious gift of life. CarolAnnDear Carol Ann,
Even now, when I am feeling happier and more relaxed than I have in a long time, your message evokes tears and love. Thank you so much for your visualisation technique - imagining myself when I am older unconditionally loving myself has been a beautiful, special experience. The second last line in your post, about you being the one loving me is one of the most soothing, unconditionally loving, and beautiful thing anyone has said to me. You filled my soul with love and peace, knowing that there were people who truly cared for others, simply because they did. You are a giving, lovely soul and I am extremely greatful for everything you have done. I cannot begin to express the overwhelming emotions and love that were given to me and the response they evoked. Two little words - thank you - could never seem to be enough to express myself when I think of all the love, kindness and warmth I unconditionally was sent from you all.
Thank you again. You have aided me in my path to uncover the mysteries behind my depression, and have given me the first steps to regain the ability to love myself. I will be forever appreciative for that.
Love and hugs Rach
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