![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Lisa on October 7, 1998, at 13:10:38
Ok. That may sound like a selfish subject line considering that many of us referring to these posts are all suffering, but I still can't help but ask "why me?"
For years I suffered from recurring bouts of depression, some mild and some debilitating, but I always managed to pull through. It was the anxiety and panic that were the major culprits. So many suicide attempts. Thank God they were more of the classic cry for help types, although on occasion, I did manage to come quite close. Not one attempt in the past four years. I applaud myself for that, but I had come to terms with a diagnosis of chronic panic disorder and recurring depression. This new bipolar diagnosis scares the hell out me!
In the past week I've done much research. Can't believe I never paid attention to this illness before. It's so frightening to identify your manic episodes (even if mine are mild) and come to terms with the fact that I was out of control. I thought I was fantastic at those times, unbeateable, a special human being. Now I know that I was irrational, impulsive, and damn arrogant. I'm not pleased with myself.
Now it's time to come to terms with all this. I desperately need to talk, but my current doctor does not possess much empathy, so I'm in the middle of switching doctors. Thankfully, my family is supportive only they can not comprehend what I'm going through. I've been on Nuerontin for a week; still to early to make any difference in how I feel or to know if it will help at all.
I'm so horribly terrified and so alone.
Lisa
Posted by Levi on October 8, 1998, at 6:47:28
In reply to Why Me??, posted by Lisa on October 7, 1998, at 13:10:38
What makes you so sure that you WERE NOT a special being? Does this mean that all newly diagnosed Bipolars should turn upside down and scoff at their previous behaviour? The main point is control. If "manic" takes on its larger meaning, then certainly one should assess the situation. But don't "give in" to the diagnosis - that is, don't let it overcome you - challenge it - but respect it as well. Even other Bipolars don't know 'Your" experience - they xcome close in some respects, but you must set your own rules, and limitations - all paramaters - people will see you as this, and that, and you should do this, and don't do that ----listen, but remember that your brain, an organ, will do what it does. That's the lighter side - it's your brain, even if people don't understand that - and most people when it comes to an NBD are basically ignorant - remember the source of their misunderstandings, etc....
Posted by George O. on October 8, 1998, at 11:09:49
In reply to Why Me??, posted by Lisa on October 7, 1998, at 13:10:38
> Ok. That may sound like a selfish subject line considering that many of us referring to these posts are all suffering, but I still can't help but ask "why me?"
> For years I suffered from recurring bouts of depression, some mild and some debilitating, but I always managed to pull through. It was the anxiety and panic that were the major culprits. So many suicide attempts. Thank God they were more of the classic cry for help types, although on occasion, I did manage to come quite close. Not one attempt in the past four years. I applaud myself for that, but I had come to terms with a diagnosis of chronic panic disorder and recurring depression. This new bipolar diagnosis scares the hell out me!
> In the past week I've done much research. Can't believe I never paid attention to this illness before. It's so frightening to identify your manic episodes (even if mine are mild) and come to terms with the fact that I was out of control. I thought I was fantastic at those times, unbeateable, a special human being. Now I know that I was irrational, impulsive, and damn arrogant. I'm not pleased with myself.
> Now it's time to come to terms with all this. I desperately need to talk, but my current doctor does not possess much empathy, so I'm in the middle of switching doctors. Thankfully, my family is supportive only they can not comprehend what I'm going through. I've been on Nuerontin for a week; still to early to make any difference in how I feel or to know if it will help at all.
> I'm so horribly terrified and so alone.
> LisaI have a long history of treatment depression, with sometimes rapid cycling, sometimes not. Neurontin (sp) is the only thing I haven't tried and as you said it takes a long time to work. I told my doctor I'd like to try an atypical antipsychotic first (before starting neurontin), as they work faster and in my opinion would be more helpfull in my particulal case (personality disorder, substance abuse history). I've been on seroquel (new) five days and have noticed major improvements, mostly less confusion and improved concentration. The latter is a miracle, as most meds impair me terribly. I will probably start neurontin soon, but am glad I was able to start the seroquel first , as it really did work quickly. My anxiety level is also greatly reduced, I've had problems in the past with meds which would help the anxiety but worsten the depression, or vice versa. If you search pharmocology tips using "zyprexa depression" there are some good articles on this type of therapy, good luck!
Posted by Lisa on October 8, 1998, at 14:37:23
In reply to Re: Why Me??, posted by Levi on October 8, 1998, at 6:47:28
When I posted the "Why Me?" I was definitely prancing in the pond of self-pity. I don't believe I am a BAD person because I am now aware of things that I have done, but I am angry that my illness was allowed to mature while my doctors failed to diagnose me properly. The signs were all there; it's the right questions that were never asked!
I am trying not to let the diagnosis get me down. My bipolar did not manifest overnight, instead it's been hanging out with me for years without my knowledge. I still can't help but feel disgusted that in one of my manias I threw my husband out of the house and almost filed for divorce. All because he couldn't keep up with me, and then because having him around was ruining MY euphoria. Funny how at that time I had a million other reasons why I surmised that the marriage was a mistake and they ranged from complete idiocy to some real well-thought out concoctions! A part of me laughs when I think how clever I was, but deep inside I do hurt for my family. And that incident is not the only thing I regret but rather an example. There was much more, much more I don't care to talk about.
A lot of my fear has to do with secrets my mother has finally been able to reveal to me, and which I only learned of 3 days ago. I know she was an untreated bipolar, but I thought her illness was similar to mine as far as the manias were concerned. What I didn't know was that after I was born, my mom suffered from severe post-partum depression. She didn't utter a word for weeks and my aunt had to care for me. When she came out of her depression, she went absolutely manic. She couldn't stop screaming and destroying things. She was hopsitalized in 1966 suffering severe hallucinations of snakes crawling in her bed. She begged them to get rid of the snakes. The doctors then declared her clinically insane and performed ECT treatment against her will. My father gave the permission. My mother does not remember the first four years of my life due to the ECT.
That story broke my heart and caused me to wonder what could have happened to me if I never was diagnosed properly, and possibly what still could happen if meds fail to work. My mom is better today. The kids are all grown and she exercises regularly, so I believe that she's eliminated much of the stress in her life. Both my parents have improved without medication after they hit the age of 50. I forgot to mention that my dad is also bipolar, but unfortuantely, neither one of them really understands it or admits it. They just know that they are coping.
I'm fighting this diganosis the best that I can right now, but take into consideration the incredible shock of all this. That is where the question "Why Me?" arose.
Lisa
Posted by Molly on February 24, 1999, at 11:23:57
In reply to Re: Why Me??, posted by George O. on October 8, 1998, at 11:09:49
> > Ok. That may sound like a selfish subject line considering that many of us referring to these posts are all suffering, but I still can't help but ask "why me?"
> > For years I suffered from recurring bouts of depression, some mild and some debilitating, but I always managed to pull through. It was the anxiety and panic that were the major culprits. So many suicide attempts. Thank God they were more of the classic cry for help types, although on occasion, I did manage to come quite close. Not one attempt in the past four years. I applaud myself for that, but I had come to terms with a diagnosis of chronic panic disorder and recurring depression. This new bipolar diagnosis scares the hell out me!
> > In the past week I've done much research. Can't believe I never paid attention to this illness before. It's so frightening to identify your manic episodes (even if mine are mild) and come to terms with the fact that I was out of control. I thought I was fantastic at those times, unbeateable, a special human being. Now I know that I was irrational, impulsive, and damn arrogant. I'm not pleased with myself.
> > Now it's time to come to terms with all this. I desperately need to talk, but my current doctor does not possess much empathy, so I'm in the middle of switching doctors. Thankfully, my family is supportive only they can not comprehend what I'm going through. I've been on Nuerontin for a week; still to early to make any difference in how I feel or to know if it will help at all.
> > I'm so horribly terrified and so alone.
> > Lisa
> I have a long history of treatment depression, with sometimes rapid cycling, sometimes not. Neurontin (sp) is the only thing I haven't tried and as you said it takes a long time to work. I told my doctor I'd like to try an atypical antipsychotic first (before starting neurontin), as they work faster and in my opinion would be more helpfull in my particulal case (personality disorder, substance abuse history). I've been on seroquel (new) five days and have noticed major improvements, mostly less confusion and improved concentration. The latter is a miracle, as most meds impair me terribly. I will probably start neurontin soon, but am glad I was able to start the seroquel first , as it really did work quickly. My anxiety level is also greatly reduced, I've had problems in the past with meds which would help the anxiety but worsten the depression, or vice versa. If you search pharmocology tips using "zyprexa depression" there are some good articles on this type of therapy, good luck!
Never mind thought i could help
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Medication | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.