Posted by Lisa on October 8, 1998, at 14:37:23
In reply to Re: Why Me??, posted by Levi on October 8, 1998, at 6:47:28
When I posted the "Why Me?" I was definitely prancing in the pond of self-pity. I don't believe I am a BAD person because I am now aware of things that I have done, but I am angry that my illness was allowed to mature while my doctors failed to diagnose me properly. The signs were all there; it's the right questions that were never asked!
I am trying not to let the diagnosis get me down. My bipolar did not manifest overnight, instead it's been hanging out with me for years without my knowledge. I still can't help but feel disgusted that in one of my manias I threw my husband out of the house and almost filed for divorce. All because he couldn't keep up with me, and then because having him around was ruining MY euphoria. Funny how at that time I had a million other reasons why I surmised that the marriage was a mistake and they ranged from complete idiocy to some real well-thought out concoctions! A part of me laughs when I think how clever I was, but deep inside I do hurt for my family. And that incident is not the only thing I regret but rather an example. There was much more, much more I don't care to talk about.
A lot of my fear has to do with secrets my mother has finally been able to reveal to me, and which I only learned of 3 days ago. I know she was an untreated bipolar, but I thought her illness was similar to mine as far as the manias were concerned. What I didn't know was that after I was born, my mom suffered from severe post-partum depression. She didn't utter a word for weeks and my aunt had to care for me. When she came out of her depression, she went absolutely manic. She couldn't stop screaming and destroying things. She was hopsitalized in 1966 suffering severe hallucinations of snakes crawling in her bed. She begged them to get rid of the snakes. The doctors then declared her clinically insane and performed ECT treatment against her will. My father gave the permission. My mother does not remember the first four years of my life due to the ECT.
That story broke my heart and caused me to wonder what could have happened to me if I never was diagnosed properly, and possibly what still could happen if meds fail to work. My mom is better today. The kids are all grown and she exercises regularly, so I believe that she's eliminated much of the stress in her life. Both my parents have improved without medication after they hit the age of 50. I forgot to mention that my dad is also bipolar, but unfortuantely, neither one of them really understands it or admits it. They just know that they are coping.
I'm fighting this diganosis the best that I can right now, but take into consideration the incredible shock of all this. That is where the question "Why Me?" arose.
Lisa
poster:Lisa
thread:841
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19990201/msgs/849.html