![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 26 to 50 of 222. Go back in thread:
Posted by Lou Pilder on February 23, 2009, at 5:40:33
In reply to Lou's reply-outstn » twinleaf, posted by Lou Pilder on February 23, 2009, at 4:54:53
> > I'm sorry, Lou. I really can't express myself any more clearly than I just have. I would be very interested in an exchange of ideas with you, but I would need you to express some ideas, thoughts and feelings of your own for that to happen.
> >
> > Would you consider putting aside a request for "lists of criteria which I use in order to decide whether I feel someone has been put down" in favor of sharing your own ideas about this topic? I think that would enrich our dialogue a great deal.
>
> Twinleaf,
> You wrote,[...express..ideas..of your own...sharing your own ideas...].
> There are outstanding requests from me to Mr Hsiung here concerning as to what in his thinking are the criteria that he uses here to determine if a statement could lead a person to feel put down. Here are links to some of my requests for clarification and such to him that I am awaiting a response to. If you could go through the posts in the threads that the link brings up, could you see if there could be a basis for discussion?
> Lou
> http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20080313/msgs/821127.html
> http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20080313/msgs/821666.htmltwinleaf,
Here are some links to posts that bring up threads that I think could be brought into the discussion here by reading the posts in the threads.
Lou
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20070702/msgs/776479.html
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20070304/msgs/742595.html
Posted by Partlycloudy on February 23, 2009, at 11:20:40
In reply to Re: civility buddies... » twinleaf, posted by Zeba on February 22, 2009, at 21:29:45
>
> It is odd that some therapists seem to view the experience here as destructive for their patients/clients. they work with us regularly and know us as persons with out strengths and weaknesses and know when to say something and when to be silent.
>
> ZebaMy therapist does not want me posting and participating here. I no longer tell her about the angst I put myself through in continuing to do so, and I'm just trying to wean myself off. It's not easy after having making this a part of my life for so long, and having made so many IRL friends through the boards. It's greatly expanded my world - just sometimes, not always in a positive way.
I'm pretty sad about the experience overall, actually. It's not what I had hoped it would become, not at all.
pc
Posted by twinleaf on February 23, 2009, at 16:30:49
In reply to Lou's reply to twinleaf-tupstn?, posted by Lou Pilder on February 23, 2009, at 5:40:33
I'm sorry, once again, Lou. As I mentioned, I can't make "lists of criteria that I use in order to decide whether someone has been put down", and I also cannot spend time looking up old threads of yours to Dr. Bob to see if there is a "basis for discussion" in them.
I believe there is always a basis for discussion- the basis is that the topic is important to someone. It would be wonderful to see you actually discussing something you care about here on the boards
Posted by twinleaf on February 23, 2009, at 16:51:17
In reply to Re: civility buddies..., posted by Partlycloudy on February 23, 2009, at 11:20:40
I'm very sad to learn that, Partly. You went much further than I did, and actually made some IRL friends- that makes deciding not to participate a lot harder.
I have been wondering why so many therapists, including yours, mine, Zeba's and Happy's and undoubtedly others, don't want us posting and forming relationships here. Perhaps it's because they see that we have all gotten hurt to a much greater degree than we do in real life. We don't really know anyone here as well as we think we do, and our hopes and desires may fill in the gaps too much, and thus set us up for rejection and disappointment.
I have been posting here again in the hope that, if nothing else, Dr. Bob and the deputies would review how the civility guidelines are administered and discuss the emotional effect they are having. I would think they would all take very seriously how many therapists are advising against participation in Babble. I would think that Dr. Bob would care a great deal not to become the physician-administrator of a mental health forum widely considered to be harmful or destructive to its' members mental health.
Perhaps not, though.
Posted by Dinah on February 23, 2009, at 18:15:23
In reply to Re: Okay, I may have one crazy idea. » seldomseen, posted by Dinah on February 22, 2009, at 12:20:28
He's not an analyst, of course. And he's quite fond of giving me advice.
He does have training in community building, and he is not unfailingly approving of Babble's administration. Rather particularly, as is probably to be expected, around Dr. Bob's management of deputies.
The only time he's actually told me I ought to leave was over Dr. Bob's management of deputies, since he's backed away from being an on board presence and left deputies to be the Administrative face on the board, with all that entails in terms of poster reactions.
And of course in any relationship that I am not required by duty and commitment to maintain, he would like me to periodically assess whether the benefits outweigh the costs overall. And apply that old Ann Landers rule. If the costs to me of Babble outweigh the benefits, and it is likely to be a permanent situation, he would encourage me to leave. I make that assessment on a regular basis.
He has suggested, and even ordered, that I walk away from Babble for a while when I was overly distressed. Because really, when I get too distressed, the best thing for me is to step away and gain some distance.
But aside from that, he likes Babble and totally supports my participation here and always has. I've been horrendously distressed here over the years, more than in real life. Both because I make myself more vulnerable here, and because the anonymity of the internet *does* increase transference. Dr. Bob once commented on my telling him that with his customary amusing style. But if I try to paraphrase him, I'm sure I'd mess it up somehow and misrepresent something. But in short, Dr. Bob was aware of this possibility.
My therapist saw this as an opportunity. Just as transference in the therapy room was a microcosm of my relationships with others, my reactions here on Babble were an even greater source of insight into my customary responses and ways of thinking. I'd bring in sheafs of posts from others and my responses, and talk ad nauseum about what happened and how I responded and why. The printouts allowed him to actually see this rather than rely on my reports. And he would, with his admirable patience, manage to support me in my intent, while pointing out that I might be coming across in a way I did not intend, problem solve with me about ways I could express myself better. He managed to totally support me in my pain, while pointing out other possible interpretations of what I found hurtful, or what feelings the other poster might have been having, or what might have prompted the entire exchange.
In my caped crusader days, I was wont to try to swoop in and protect those who were fragile and vulnerable. My therapist totally supported my intent, and he understood all too well the disempowerment I felt myself in middle school and how it shaped my current interactions. But he'd point out those times when he didn't think my desire to help was best served by my actions. He spoke often of the drama triangle, although not in the same perjorative way that it sounds when I look it up online. My therapist has a wonderful quality of being able to explain things in a totally nonjudgmental way.
He never blamed me, and he always supported me, but he widened my perspective.
I rejected what he offered quite a bit at first. I was hurt. Ruptures and repairs had to be sorted through. But now I find myself thinking of things in the same way he'd patiently walk through them with me long ago.
He sees Babble as a wonderful resource, not only to me, but to me in therapy. An extension of the work we do in therapy, with concrete examples for him to work with. Just as the therapeutic relationship is a here and now relationship where he can see exactly what happens, so is Babble.
This isn't in reply to anything in particular. Just that if therapist opinion of Babble is being discussed, I thought I'd add my own therapist's opinion.
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 23, 2009, at 21:39:04
In reply to looking up threads..., posted by twinleaf on February 23, 2009, at 16:30:49
My T is one who doesn't want me on here, but it is hard to give up something that has been in my life daily for several years. But there comes a time when you have to say no to the hurt, where the hurt outweighs the benefit, just like any relationship really.
I do regret trying to bring the online world into my real world. I also see how it has also segregated Babble a lot.
When I was in those babble groups who met outside IRL, too many people are put down who are not there, and even though on line we are not allowed to do so, those rules don't follow through in real life meetings sometimes.
Now that I am on the outs I know, because I hear what has been said about me. (it does get around). But I have seen how certain individuals have been singled out during these get togethers, and I am embarrassed to be part of that, because the truth gets twisted so much about those people. But then everyone pretends all is well.
Well it isn't..... grudges are kept... even if based on untrue facts...and that spills through on Babble. Sometimes when you read posts you wonder why someone is upset, but one doesn't see the entire picture, because it isn't all on line.
Babble is like the outside world, you can get hurt, and you really need to watch who you trust.But as Dr. Bob says on his site, don't necessarily believe everything you hear. This SO TRUE. You also have to know who actually you are dealing with online, and remember lies will bite you in the butt eventually.
My T actually had to tell "look you are not actually dealing with someone who is all that mentally healthy at the time, so don't allow them to define who you are."
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 23, 2009, at 21:55:20
In reply to Re: looking up threads..., posted by HappyChaiTea on February 23, 2009, at 21:39:04
In fact the only babbler I have meet in person who hasn't been put down or talked negatively during these meetings is All Done.
But every single one of the Babblers I have met, some time during that meeting, something bad was said about them at one point or another while they were not in the room. I hated this and it included those who weren't in the meeting too.
I just don't have time for such stuff, I am way too old for stuff like this, that is why I no longer plan on ever going to a babbler meeting.
It is sad too because people bare their pain and souls on here, only for that info to be used against them.Maybe it is just my age, but I don't need drama anymore. You have to know how to be a friend, in order to have real friends.
I think sometimes the online world gives us a false sense of security and allows us to be less restrictive in what we say to others, which builds false sense of friendships. I know I learned my lesson. Babble just don't mean as much to me anymore, my real life gives me what Babble used to, social interaction.
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 24, 2009, at 9:12:10
In reply to Re: looking up threads..., posted by HappyChaiTea on February 23, 2009, at 21:55:20
I shouldn't have posted in the above 2 posts. Even if it is true, true isn't always the best option for here, because it can be uncivil too.
Sorry about my blatant honesty which is probably uncivil.
Posted by twinleaf on February 24, 2009, at 17:19:24
In reply to What my therapist says, for what it's worth., posted by Dinah on February 23, 2009, at 18:15:23
That's really good to hear, Dinah- that you and he have found so many healthy ways to have Babble be a constructive part of your therapy. I'm glad you posted about that, so that there won't be only one-sided views of how Babble has been experienced.
From your point of view, having had a predominantly positive experience of Babble (I know- not completely), what do you think about the situations people like Zeba, PC, Happy, fayeroe and I, and perhaps others, are dealing with?
Posted by Dinah on February 24, 2009, at 17:54:40
In reply to Re: What my therapist says, for what it's worth. » Dinah, posted by twinleaf on February 24, 2009, at 17:19:24
It wouldn't really be my place to say anything, I don't think.
I've experienced pain here too. I currently experience pain here. I volunteer my time here because I wish to be helpful, and I don't always feel like my efforts are experienced as helpful. That is painful to me, because my efforts are a gift of myself to the board. I may not say a lot about it on board, because I don't feel like it would be helpful - and as a deputy I feel some obligation to put what's best for the board ahead of my desire to discuss my feelings. But that doesn't mean I don't experience pain, or don't make the same tearful calls to my therapist as I did long ago before I was ever a deputy.
I have my own ways of dealing with it, and clearly my therapist and I have different ways of addressing it than others do with their therapists. It works for me, but what works for me might not work for others.
It's not my place to comment on how others deal with their pain.
I just wanted to point out that while some therapists might advise their clients to leave Babble, other therapists have a different point of view. I don't know whether it's a difference in therapists, or in client needs. But even given similar levels of pain, therapists can suggest different approaches to deal with it.
Posted by seldomseen on February 24, 2009, at 18:57:02
In reply to What my therapist says, for what it's worth., posted by Dinah on February 23, 2009, at 18:15:23
babble does come up every now and then in my therapy as well, more lately than in the past.
Some of the more "emotionally dumpy" posts I actually take in to therapy. Interestingly, he's less interested in what I have to say, but how I emotionally react to what others posted or didn't. But, then again, he's usually less interested in what happened, but how I reacted to it. To him, it's clearly just another vehicle to understand me better. I've actually learned a fair bit about myself through these babble-induced interactions with my therapist.
He's not an advice giver though, sometimes infuriatingly so, but good lord, I have enough people telling me how to live my life. He'll help me to decide what I really want to do about something, but he would never tell me directly to stop or continue to do something (unless I decided to play in traffic etc, but I really wouldn't need a therapist to tell me that).
Actually, you know that I think about it, even though babble isn't therapy, it can have significant therapeutic application.
Seldom.
Posted by twinleaf on February 24, 2009, at 19:15:08
In reply to a new beginning..., posted by twinleaf on February 21, 2009, at 15:46:43
I feel very sad that no-one, neither Dr. Bob, the deputies, or even anyone in the community of babblers, has expressed the slightest concern or sadness that at least five therapists have asked their clients/patients to leave Babble. Unfortunately, the time seems to be passing by when the basic problems which caused these therapists to make their recommendations would be addressed. Even so, I think the therapist recommendations and the loss of some loyal long-term Babblers would be a matter of some importance to Dr. Bob. The people who are leaving are finding it difficult, because they have developed strong attachments here, but even though I am sure he knows that, there has not been a single friendly or understanding word from him. Even a deputy, speaking for herself, and not as a deputy, has many words to express her own sense of her place here- completely acceptable, of course- but she does not have even one word for those of us who are leaving because our therapists have asked us to do so.
Posted by Dinah on February 24, 2009, at 19:30:19
In reply to facing realities..., posted by twinleaf on February 24, 2009, at 19:15:08
I am sad of course. I find you to be a real asset to Babble, and I've found much wisdom in your posts over the years. I've also very much valued the relationship we built. Losing you would be a very bad thing for Babble.
But other than feeling and expressing regret, I don't know what else to do. Everyone has to do what is best for them. If people don't find that being at Babble is in their best interests, would it be fair of me to ask them to do otherwise? To approach things the same way my therapist and I did, for example?
Obviously I now and always do what I believe to be the right thing to do. I regret that my actions have caused some people pain. And the idea that I and the administration I am part of is the reason that people felt too much pain to be at Babble is part of the pain I previously spoke of. But if I didn't think I was doing the very best I could, I wouldn't be doing this at all.
I'm at a loss of what else I can do.
Posted by BayLeaf on February 24, 2009, at 20:03:08
In reply to Re: What my therapist says, for what it's worth. » Dinah, posted by twinleaf on February 24, 2009, at 17:19:24
Six T's. My former T and I actually sat down and reviewed both Babble and PC. He is very computer literate (he installed the networks in our local school system) then went off and did his own investigation.
In the end he told me to stay away from Babble (from what I recall he mentioned the arbitrariness of the civility rules, the cruelty of the lengthy public banning, and allowing suicidal posting as the biggies), and gave PC his thumbs up.
Bay
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 24, 2009, at 20:06:32
In reply to facing realities..., posted by twinleaf on February 24, 2009, at 19:15:08
Twinleaf,
I think the lack of responses could be seen as nobody really knows what to do because we have no control over the rules of this place. Dr. Bob sets the rules and the deputies enforce them on occasion.
We can explain till we are blue in the face, but Dr. BOb will not even respond in most cases, or I should say, responds in a unsatisfactory way. So people are more likely to just throw their arms up in disgust or they just give up. This has been the same story over and over again.
I think we should abandon the rules, it doesn't prevent others from saying what they want anyway. They are not being fairly enforced, it doesn't prevent any hurt, if anything it creates more hurt because veiled insults hurt more than just hearing the truth. With the rules, people appear "good" because they can walk the fine line of his rules of civility, pushing it as far as they can, or they use veiled insults, it still causes hurt feelings, even when it is "civil" within Babble standards.
I don't know for sure, but I can guess a very high percentage of people who have been blocked, was due to complaints about the rules of this place and how unfairly they seem to be enforced.
I just don't know twinleaf, it seems there is less and less interest in this place, people are just leaving because they give up.
Have you looked into other similar sites? I know of at least 2 which I am happy about. I think what pulls me back to babble is some of the people I don't want to lose contact with. But then I get weaved into the web again.
I really should listen to my T, but it is hard to leave some people I care about.
Posted by Dinah on February 24, 2009, at 20:14:25
In reply to My psychiatrist doesn't even own a computer but.. » Dinah, posted by seldomseen on February 24, 2009, at 18:57:02
Your therapist has always reminded me a lot of mine.
Except of course that mine loves to give advice. :)
Posted by Dinah on February 24, 2009, at 20:27:34
In reply to Re: What my therapist says, for what it's worth. » twinleaf, posted by BayLeaf on February 24, 2009, at 20:03:08
> In the end he told me to stay away from Babble (from what I recall he mentioned the arbitrariness of the civility rules, the cruelty of the lengthy public banning, and allowing suicidal posting as the biggies), and gave PC his thumbs up.
>
> BayMaybe that's why there are different bulletin boards, just as there are different therapists. I lurk at a few bulletin boards on a couple of different topics than mental health. They vary widely in their rules and offerings to suit a different group of posters. There are doll or dog clubs that allow a fair amount of what would clearly be incivility on Babble. And clubs where no disagreement at all is allowed on board. It is disappeared. I've seen boards where the original topic is all but forgotten in competing posts between followers of political parties. And boards where no discussion of politics or religion is allowed.
The rules may appear arbitrary to some. But they arise because Dr. Bob isn't in favor of making up the rules as he goes, or outlawing things because they cause discord. He likes rules that can be applied boardwide, without regard to who is involved. They are really the reverse of arbitary, in that they aren't at all up to the will of the administrators. We have to apply the three post rule even if we don't much like it, for example, because it would be unfair not to if historically it has been applied.
Public blocking is upsetting. But so would posters just disappearing when they were blocked with no explanation of why, and with the posts involved deleted.
Suicidal posts are upsetting, yes. But I sure as heck wouldn't want to admonish someone for posting suicidal thoughts. Or to delete posts that are a cry for help. Trigger warnings are added, when appropriate.
It's a balancing act, and different boards balance on different areas.
Can't it just be like therapists? There are therapists who aren't to my taste, but are helpful to others. There are boards that I lurk at on those other topics that I would never dream of posting on because they aren't right for me. That doesn't mean they aren't valuable to the people who find them helpful.
Which is my therapist's overarching viewpoint on internet bulletin boards, actually.
Posted by Dinah on February 24, 2009, at 20:53:43
In reply to Re: What my therapist says, for what it's worth., posted by Dinah on February 24, 2009, at 20:27:34
> Which is my therapist's overarching viewpoint on internet bulletin boards, actually.
By which I mean that my therapist would never say "Babble is bad" or "Psychcentral is bad".
He might say "I don't think this is a good policy because...." and he might urge me to try to change a specific policy. Or he might say that I'm unlikely to change the policy, is there any way I can change my reaction to the policy?
He might laugh when I talk about Dr. Bob and say something like "Well, I know a lot of psychiatrists who would say something just like that." Or "I can see why you're angry". He'd assume that Dr. Bob and I see things differently, not that Dr. Bob was a bad person or meant to be unfair. He'd talk to me about ways that I might express myself so that Dr. Bob would hear what I was trying to say. And discuss what I should do should Dr. Bob hear and understand me perfectly well, but still disagrees with me.
He'd ask me what my perceptions of the situation are, and what I think someone else's perceptions of the situation might be, and he would try to find a way to view the two perceptions together.
My therapist understands that there is pain to be had whenever people gather together. And that most people are just doing the best they can. He understands that something can be less than healthy for me, without being inherently unhealthy or bad.
Even if he told me I should leave, it wouldn't be because he thought Babble was bad. It would be because he didn't think Babble was the right place for me to be at this point of my life, for this or that reason. Or because he thought I was no longer getting from Babble more than I was giving. Or that I was no longer capable of giving what Babble needs at this point of time.
My therapist isn't one for black and white. He's one for shades and shades of grey.
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 24, 2009, at 22:23:15
In reply to Re: facing realities..., posted by Dinah on February 24, 2009, at 19:30:19
I have a problem with rules where you can't say how another poster made you feel. Sure we can talk with I statements and all that,(the babble way) but the truth is, that people do hurt others, whether intended or not, and sometimes it would be useful for those people to know that.
Being upfront with how we feel without having to talk Babble Riddles, will make thing more clear. Possibly allow those who did hurt others, a chance to say they are sorry, or that they don't understand why the other person is hurt. When we have to guess what the Babble Riddles mean, sometimes we might actually perceive what the other person is saying is worse than what was originally felt. OR we may completely dismiss it because we don't understand what the riddle meant.
I think it is important for those to know they hurt others, most people don't really mean to do that, but if they know it when they do it, they can change it. They can improve their communications skills.Babble Riddles just makes things blurry in meaning and doesn't give either side to work things out for fear of being blocked. I think there is a huge difference in someone being blatantly uncivil and someone who are just expressing how they feel to someone in a calm, but truthful way.
Babble Speak reminds me of what a lawyer trains a client who is going to be on the stand. only say this, not this, but yet tell the truth etc.Trying to tell someone how you feel makes one sometimes feel even more frustrated because they have to talk in Babble riddles and hopefully the other person can even understand the blurry message.
Can someone show me another site that has these kind of nit picky rules of how to say something?
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 24, 2009, at 22:27:25
In reply to Re: facing realities..., posted by HappyChaiTea on February 24, 2009, at 22:23:15
What is sad is that I spent about 10 minutes of time, hours of time total in trying to talk to Dr. Bob and his rules.
But it is a waste of time, he doesn't respond, and is not open to talking about his rules. So no changes, just wasted breath.
Posted by Dinah on February 24, 2009, at 22:42:55
In reply to Re: facing realities..., posted by HappyChaiTea on February 24, 2009, at 22:23:15
As far as I know there is absolutely no problem with doing what you just described.
The problem comes from the fact that people's perceptions differ as to what actually happened. And it's very easy to mix judgment into facts.
If I'm understanding you correctly, you're talking about stuff that happens off board spilling on board.
I agree with you that current rules are woefully inadequate in this, and that the result is that often remarks are made that leave posters who aren't "in" on off board issues very confused and uncomfortable.
There is certainly room to discuss the on board/off board problem. Should actions that involve Babble but did not occur on Babble be covered by civility guidelines? Is it better to allow the resulting disagreements to be discussed on babble in the hopes that a resolution can be reached? Or would it be better to ask posters who have an off board disagreement to work it out off board? Or would it be better to allow the discussions, but only with full fact disclosure?
For example, if one poster has a problem with another poster resulting from an off board disagreement, should babble policy be
a) to allow the one poster to speak of an issue with a "friend" who....
b) to ask posters to please not bring off board disagreements to the board?
c) to allow the poster to speak of the issue, as long as they follow babble rules, and as long as they disclose that the "friend" is a fellow babbler so that third parties won't accidentally be uncivil or drawn into a discussion that may involve two people they care about
And of course there are likely other possibilities.
If it is allowed to discuss it on board, should both parties be allowed to give their version of the facts so that the usual on board transparency would occur? What if the facts aren't just facts but interpretations and judgments?
I think this is a valid area for Admin discussion, although of course it's best to use hypotheticals.
And it is *always* ok for a poster to apologize to another for anything they think they need to apologize for.
Posted by Dinah on February 24, 2009, at 22:53:34
In reply to Re: facing realities..., posted by HappyChaiTea on February 24, 2009, at 22:27:25
And as far as Dr. Bob is concerned...
It's been my observation that he likes his rules. He's put a lot of thought into them, and he thinks they benefit Babble. Babble is shaped by Dr. Bob's values.
For example, Dr. Bob likes clear and unambiguous rules. At times the deputies might like to have a "Please cut it out" instead of creating a rule for every possible contingency. But it's not going to happen because that's not what Dr. Bob believes is best. He has heard and understands the contrary arguments, but all things considered, he thinks the current system is best.
Dr. Bob values transparency. No matter how many brilliant arguments are made in favor of deleting posts or making administrative actions off board, it's not going to happen. Babble reflects his values in this matter.
It's possible to change Dr. Bob's mind. But the likelihood of doing so depends on changing his view of what you're discussing.
Of course, I'm not actually an expert on all things Bob. Sometimes he does a 180 that leaves me scratching my head and ranting and railing at him before I acknowledge that Dr. Bob is the immovable object, and I am not enough of an unstoppable force to shift him an inch.
Posted by Dinah on February 25, 2009, at 0:03:21
In reply to Re: facing realities... » HappyChaiTea, posted by Dinah on February 24, 2009, at 22:42:55
I think I'm posting too much tonight, without thinking things through enough. I apologize if I have been overly hasty in expressing my thoughts.
Posted by twinleaf on February 25, 2009, at 0:05:18
In reply to Re: facing realities... » twinleaf, posted by HappyChaiTea on February 24, 2009, at 20:06:32
I think you have described one of the main problems perfectly, It's the way criticisms, put-downs and insults can be carefully crafted so that they pass the civility rules. About a year ago, one poster, well-known for doing this from time to time, was given a PCB- a very rare occurence for her. She replied that she had spent ONE HOUR carefully trying to craft her (hurtful) message so that it would pass the civility rules. She had no awareness, seemingly, that it would be far better not to be insulting people- her only concern appeared to be that she had not been quite clever enough to avoid a civility warning.
Those subtle insults can hurt much more than outright upsets or differences of opinion. The person on the receiving end cannot object- just send in a notification, which, as we know, almost always just silently disappears. If there is one thing about Babble which my analyst strongly disapproved of, it was this inequality- the person who does the hurting is essentially protected and free to discharge their anger and aggression, while the person who has been hurt will be punished for doing a healthy thing- speaking up for him/herself.
Babble had a lot of great things going for it before the poor deputies got the job of administering the guidelines. They HAVE to do it very exactly, and just the same each time, What the deputies can't do is take the whole picture into consideration. Sometimes they jump onto the tiniest things- as I mentioned above- it's like one deer tick missed in the process of combing my spaniel's long hair. When things like that happen, it's impossible not to feel just as you do- the guidelines are not being applied equally or fairly.
I guess it was unrealistic of me to think that Dr. Bob or the deputies would be interested in making this site into a place like it used to be- where hurts would be rare, and no-one's therapists would be urging them to avoid it. I was just hoping so, as I am attached to the site itself, and to a number of posters, and that is all hard to give up. This is not just a matter of personal preferences in mental health sites, similar to personal preferences in therapists, as Dinah seems to believe. It is a matter of right and wrong- of either providing a forum which can help and support people as they grow healthier, or of saddling them with one which will occasionally knock them backwards into more distress and suffering.
Since my suggestions for a reconsideration of how things are run here has apparently fallen on deaf ears, I have one more rueful, end-of-the-line suggestion, In my opinion, every deputy has, at times, been more hurtful and insulting here than I have ever been. If they, too, had to struggle through a series of increasingly long blocks, they just MIGHT begin to understand a little of what we are talking about...
Posted by Dinah on February 25, 2009, at 1:20:51
In reply to Re: facing realities...Happy, posted by twinleaf on February 25, 2009, at 0:05:18
I don't ever remember such a place.
As long as I've been here there's been hurt and long blocks.
I know deputies never blocked anyone for a year for cursing without an asterisk. And while I suppose it might be within the realm of possibility that circumstances might be such that we'd be forced to do that, I can't imagine what those circumstances might be.
I suppose that the only people who will believe it are the people who believe in us, but deputies try very hard to be far more understanding and generous than Dr. Bob was.
I can't convince anyone of that though.
And apparently I have not succeeded in my efforts to go far beyond civility to reflect the caring and respect I feel. So it's probably best for me to retire from the conversation at this point.
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