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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 9 to 33 of 98. Go back in thread:
Posted by tizza on April 21, 2006, at 19:38:54
In reply to Re: What a crappy day. » tizza, posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 19:31:53
The social thing sucks but try the flower thing please!!!! I want to hear how she reacts. It will probably freak her out and make your co-workers see her for what she is. A bully and a bitch. If you do try it, see if you can do it while the boss is there. A bit of reverse psychology in the office can work wonders. Paul
Posted by sleepygirl on April 21, 2006, at 19:43:42
In reply to What a crappy day., posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 17:59:40
I'm sorry sweetheart. They are quite warped aren't they? My T says that who you DO NOT have a relationship with can say a lot about you. So chalk this up to your integrity as a human being. As far as cute boy goes...his judgment might be off. I don't know, but those wenches sound wretched. They sound like such mind f*ckers, and I don't use the term lightly. It's a shame you have to interact with them at all. I wish you could find some more safety other than the headphones (which sound like a great idea by the way)
You are NOT defective my dear, but they sound vicious. I'm sorry. I wish I could think of a way to make it not matter to you.
Easy on the liquor okay?
((((TexasChic)))))))
Posted by madeline on April 21, 2006, at 19:46:29
In reply to Re: What a crappy day. » TexasChic, posted by tizza on April 21, 2006, at 19:38:54
Try to get one that she is allergic to ;).
Just kidding. I still really like the idea.
Posted by sleepygirl on April 21, 2006, at 19:48:34
In reply to I REALLY like the flower idea., posted by madeline on April 21, 2006, at 19:46:29
me too! and the idea of some big bright enthusiastic and cheery "Good Morning! How are you?! you spawn of satan!" with or without the satan part ;-)
Posted by tizza on April 21, 2006, at 19:53:03
In reply to Re: I REALLY like the flower idea., posted by sleepygirl on April 21, 2006, at 19:48:34
it's just a really inoffensive way to put somone on their back foot and leave them flummoxed. Paul
Posted by tizza on April 21, 2006, at 20:06:27
In reply to Re: I REALLY like the flower idea., posted by tizza on April 21, 2006, at 19:53:03
and it's fantastic that you have documented everything that has been going on. Hopefully you don't have to pull out the big guns. One of my mates at work is going through HR issues at the moment because our boss has been bullying him. Noone knows but it has been going on for years and he has documented every single snide comment, e-mail and conversation. It's a long and painful process for him but sometimes it has to be done. paul
Posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 20:21:45
In reply to Re: I REALLY like the flower idea., posted by sleepygirl on April 21, 2006, at 19:48:34
Thanks yall. The flower thing does sound good, but I think I have passed that point. This has been going on a while and I've already tried to be friendly, I've ignored her, I've tried being over friendly (sitting down at the lunch table with a big smile on my face saying, "whacha talking about?" knowing it was 'me'), I've done just about everything.
-------------
My brother just called and left a message saying he wanted to talk to me, he said he had a weird week and had alot to tell me. I just can't deal with that right now! I used to let him vent to me and I would try to advise him, but at some point it just got to be too much for me.
Add to this my sister called earlier complaining about her boyfriend, who she's wanted to get away from for the last 8 years, saying he came to pick her up drunk. And I was like, and what if he does that and drives with my nephew! She's all like, "What am I supposed to do, he'll come after me, where would I go, blah, blah, blah". I told her none of that will mean anything if my nephew gets hurt. I've been through all this a thousand times with her. I just can't listen to it anymore when she refuses to do anything about it.
I've really got to go back to therapy, I know that. I lost the number of the therapist my Pdoc gave me, so I've been procrastinating while looking for it. I've got to take my own advise and stop complaining and start doing something about it.
Thanks for the encouragement everyone.
-T
Posted by sleepygirl on April 21, 2006, at 20:29:16
In reply to Re: I REALLY like the flower idea., posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 20:21:45
Take good care of you. It's alright. Give yourself the respect you deserve.
By the way...you really can complain all you want. You're having a tough time after all. Someone to help you through it would be a good idea. I hope that happens for you soon.
Posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 20:38:09
In reply to Re: I REALLY like the flower idea., posted by tizza on April 21, 2006, at 20:06:27
> and it's fantastic that you have documented everything that has been going on.
Unfortunately, I know to do this from experience. I've had a similar situation at my last two jobs as well. I think something about my personality makes this happen. I've kind of figured out it has to do with the fact that I hate the whole gossiping about everyone at work thing, which seems to come with every job. I think its kind of a with them or against them sort of thing (if I don't join in I must be against them). Its always the women, so I end up hanging out with the guys, which makes the women even madder. I'm definitely going to resist becoming friends with work people from now on. It just always turns out bad.
-T
Posted by Racer on April 21, 2006, at 20:53:07
In reply to Re: What a crappy day. » madeline, posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 19:18:59
>
> I have talked with my boss and HR about one girl, who is the instigator, but I asked them not to do anything yet because I wanted to see if she would lose interest while I was ignoring her. She did just that for a couple of weeks. But now they've switched gears from work stuff to personal stuff. What can my boss do about that? He can't make them include me in their plans.
>No, but the Hostile Work Environment is still there, and they can do something about THAT.
I know it's hard, but for the sake of all the other employees, talk to your boss and to HR again, and ask them to resolve this situation. This really isn't about you -- it's about bitchygirl's behavior, and what that does to the work environment. You're not tattling to someone and asking that you be coddled -- you're asking your employer to fulfill their responsibilities to ALL employees.
There have been so many articles and news stories and books lately about Office Sociopaths, talking about how the behavior of some employees poisons the atmosphere and interferes with the performance of the entire office. What you're experiencing is NOT OK, and it's NOT something you're in any way at fault for.
TC, listen -- I've experienced the Office Sociopath myself, including watching her get several people fired. Heck, she nearly got me fired. She was caught out for having left early one day without permission -- and proceeded to get a guy fired, saying she was afraid to stay because he had been cornering her and fondling her under her shirt! Uh.... That would explain her coming to me before leaving to ask if our department head was coming back to the office that day? No, I'm thinking the story might have had some credibility if it hadn't been held back until she herself was in trouble...
So, it's too late for me. I'd take it as a personal favor, though, if you'd take action against this one for ALL OF US.
You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming...
Posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 20:59:26
In reply to Re: I REALLY like the flower idea., posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 20:38:09
I wrote my friend about this in between posting here, and he responded immediately. He used to work with me but moved to San Fransico. He's so funny, he's such an easygoing person but he gets really mad about all this (he knows all the people involved) and he totally trashes them in a way I never could - telling me not to let those hoes get to me, and calling the one girl the 'c' word. He told me he was proud of how I've stood up to them.
I've just got to keep this in perspective and not let it overwhelm me. I have a tendency to get all caught up in these things.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 21:07:52
In reply to GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! » TexasChic, posted by Racer on April 21, 2006, at 20:53:07
Thanks Racer. I will talk to my boss on Monday. I'm feeling more in control after talking about all this. I was just so upset when I first got home from work, it felt like the world was coming to an end. But I'm getting my perspective back now.
Thanks everyone for encouraging me during my crisis.
-T
Posted by greywolf on April 21, 2006, at 21:17:46
In reply to Re: I REALLY like the flower idea., posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 20:59:26
My advice, based on years of arbitrating disputes arising out of similar behavior at the offices I've worked in, is to very intentionally and consistently divorce yourself from the people and events that are causing you pain.
Talk to HR all you want, but in my experience they rarely solve anything long-term. Often, HR intervention makes the situation worse.
In my experience, the most effective tactic is putting social and emotional distance between you and those who are creating problems for you. It may take some time, but they eventually tire of the games when they don't receive the response they're hoping for, and some of them may actually recognize the boorishness of their behavior.
Posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 21:31:18
In reply to Stay aloof, posted by greywolf on April 21, 2006, at 21:17:46
Thanks for the advice. I've been trying to divorce myself from the situation, and I've been doing pretty well the last couple of weeks. But today they just found a weak spot.
I will defintely want to know what HR would do before they do it. The whole reason I asked them not to do anything the last time I talked to them was because I was afraid it would make things worse. I'll just take it one step at a time and try to trust my own judgement. I don't want to leave her to terrorize others after I'm gone, but I have to protect myself too.
-T
Posted by madeline on April 21, 2006, at 21:44:59
In reply to Re: Stay aloof » greywolf, posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 21:31:18
you SOUND a lot better, Texas. Good to hear it.
Just trust your own judgement.
Only YOU know how to handle this best because no one, not HR, not me or anyone else in this situation (although I wish I were there to help).Keep us posted.
Maddie
Posted by Phillipa on April 21, 2006, at 22:55:43
In reply to Re: What a crappy day. » TexasChic, posted by tizza on April 21, 2006, at 19:38:54
Hey T I agree with Tizza imagine the look on her face when you present her witha gift and the others see it too, You will come out the winner. Love Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on April 21, 2006, at 23:04:55
In reply to GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! » TexasChic, posted by Racer on April 21, 2006, at 20:53:07
PS reverse psychology really works. I used it a lot myself at work. I can still she the open mouth when you present her with a gift and all the others see her for who she is. Love Phillipa
Posted by milly on April 22, 2006, at 10:18:05
In reply to What a crappy day., posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 17:59:40
Oh TC I hate you having to work there with those bullies, which is what they are. I haven't read the whole thread but have no advice. It just brings back all the horrid horrid times last year when I was going through a really sh*tty time at work.
do you have to stay there?
Does your boss know?
Does he know that if he doesn't deal with it you could take him to court? (you can in UK anyway)
Do you have a union rep?
Workplace bullying is insidious and evil and nearly got the better of me. You deserve better than this, even if Cuteboy is cute!have a look at www.bullyonline.org
take care, milly
Posted by alesta on April 22, 2006, at 12:47:04
In reply to What a crappy day., posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 17:59:40
hiya T,:)
man, i'm really sorry you have to deal with that. as my mother and grandmother always used to say, "consider the source." they aren't worth your grief..you seem like a *great* person to be friends with! you and i have communicated intermittently since i got here and i always enjoy talking to you. i'll be your friend..and you have a lot of them here.:-) you're a *wonderful* person. i have been in a similar situation to yours (see relationships board, around 3 or 4 months ago or something). i know how bad it hurts...all i can do is empathize. and guess what? they may be jealous of you..so keep your chin up..i know it's hard. we're here for you...keep posting. i'm doped up on benadryl today so i can't think of much that will really help...but just know that i care..love,:)
amy
Posted by TexasChic on April 22, 2006, at 13:03:21
In reply to Re: What a crappy day. » TexasChic, posted by milly on April 22, 2006, at 10:18:05
Wow! That website is GREAT! I just kept seeing myself described over and over. And it confirmed alot of the things I've been thinking about but was unsure of. Like the reason I seem to end up the target of bullies. Here's an exert:
The six most common reasons bullies select their targets are because of availability (wrong place, wrong time), competence (envy), popularity (jealousy), vulnerability (income and the need to pay the mortgage), emotional maturity and values, and integrity. Targets represent everything that bullies are not, and never will be.
Targets of bullying are independent, self-reliant, self-motivated, have no need to form gangs or join cliques, have no need to impress, and have no interest in office politics.Its exactly what I've been thinking all along. I get targeted because I don't want to be part of the clique and I just don't think gossiping and putting down other people is a healthy way to live. I KNOW this bully has been/is jealous of me because for a while there I seemed to be pretty popular. I could tell she couldn't stand that. I'm still pretty well liked by some of the guys, which I've also observed her displaying jealousy over. And I've always thought that when I don't go along with her talking bad about other people (or worse, take up for them), she sees it as me thinking I'm better than her.
The most intriguing part of what I read is how they explain what I went through growing up as actually bullying (my parents, esp my dad). I never thought of it in those terms because it was my parents. But I see now that's exactly what it was.
They have a section on PTSS, which verifies my suspicions that I may be suffering from that because of my childhood. I know one sign they mentioned that really stood out to me was 'being easily startled'. Everyone at work knows I startle easily and alot of them seem to go to great lengths to avoid doing so. The little old ladies I work with will say, "Oh, I was trying so hard not to startle you" after I jump when they walk up behind me and start to speak. I'm always telling them, "No its just me, I always do that for some reason".
It never occured to me that I could be suffering from PTSS because of my childhood until someone else mentioned it here on babble. Now it just seems so obvious.
I'm going to read some more and see what advise they have on how to handle things. Thanks so much everyone for your insight and encouragement. It would have been much, much more difficult for me to get through this without it.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on April 22, 2006, at 13:14:37
In reply to Re: hope you're doing better today? » TexasChic, posted by alesta on April 22, 2006, at 12:47:04
Aw-w-w, that's so sweet! Thanks alesta! It means alot to me to know that people care.
I'm feeling much better today. I tend to get really overwhelmed and distraught by upsetting situations at first, and then I calm down after some time has passed. Of course it feels like I'll never calm down while I'm in the middle of it. But I'm starting to see a pattern and I'm trying to use that knowledge to my advantage (like not making any rash decisions or outbursts when I'm in that state).
Thanks so much for you kind words. I really love my friends here.
-T
Posted by alesta on April 22, 2006, at 14:00:16
In reply to Re: hope you're doing better today? » alesta, posted by TexasChic on April 22, 2006, at 13:14:37
Posted by tizza on April 22, 2006, at 17:53:33
In reply to Re: hope you're doing better today? » alesta, posted by TexasChic on April 22, 2006, at 13:14:37
You are doing better, you sound great. Paul
Posted by TexasChic on April 24, 2006, at 21:36:23
In reply to Re: hope you're doing better today?, posted by tizza on April 22, 2006, at 17:53:33
Things went fine today, pretty non-eventful. I wasn't upset anymore about feeling that everyone deserted me. Everything I read this weekend said that when being bullied in the workplace your co-workers will most likely not stand by you. Its either because they want to stay out of it, they don't want to be targeted themselves, or they just don't realize the extent of what's going on. It made me feel better to know it was kind of normal.
Although I was upset about feeling deserted, I've realized that what really upset me Friday was more about Cuteboy than anything else. I'm just one lovesick idiot!
We're going on layoff in 5 weeks and all I can think is how much it will suck to not see him for 3 months. I wish I could just find out once and for all that he has no interest in me so I can move on. As long as I have this tiny bit of hope I just can't let it go.
Allow me to gush for a minute - he's growing a goatee and the contrast between it and his boyish looks is so freaking cute I can't stand it! When he first started growing it I told him how much I like goatees and that it would look really good on him. He was all embarrassed saying, "Well at least it will take attention away from my face". I was like, "You have a cute face! I bet all the girls are after you!" He just got all embarrassed. I suddenly realized that I've been unconsiously giving the impression that I just think of him as a cute kid. I guess its just self preservation. I mean, you've got to do something when you get drunk and tell the guy you love him!
Anyway, forgive me for gushing. I didn't have anywhere else to do it and I needed to get it out of my system.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on April 26, 2006, at 19:33:44
In reply to Today, posted by TexasChic on April 24, 2006, at 21:36:23
Today I worked up the courage to ask cuteboy if he had been meeting up with coldshouldergirl and friends outside of work. He said no, not at all. I told him they were kind of making it sound like they did. He said, "Oh, to make it sound like you were left out?" I said "Yeah", kind of surprised he figured that out since he seems to be oblivious to the situation most of the time. Then I added "I care alot more about your opinion than their's", which I wasn't really what I meant to say. What I wanted to say was that I could care less about them leaving me out, but it bothered me to think of him hanging out with them. But I realized at the last second that didn't sound so great, so I ended up with the slightly random comment. If nothing else, it was a step toward letting him know how I feel about him.
Anyway, that might not sound very dramatic or anything, but it was a major hurtle for me to ask him something like that (I thought about it all last night). Especially when I really thought the answer would be yes, and then I'd have to explain why I asked and why it bothered me and blah, blah, blah. So I felt pretty proud of myself overall.
To continue with my goal of moving forward, I sent my resume to this place I would really love to work. I had applied before and went through two interviews, but they chose someone else. So when I saw the ad on monster.com I decided to go for it because I might have a good chance. I also picked up some (inexpensive) interviewing clothes after work today just so I'd be prepared. I really need a suit, but I ended up with just some dressy slacks and shirt. They are more like second interview clothes, but its better than anything else I have, which is jeans.
So I'm trying to push myself out of my comfort zone a little at a time. I want to have a social life, friends, dates, activities that include leaving the house, a job with a future! And I know that will never happen unless I make it happen.
-T
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