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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Angela2 on August 9, 2004, at 12:56:57
In reply to Does anybody else get offended ..., posted by TexasChic on August 9, 2004, at 9:43:39
I bet it does look really cute ;)
Posted by TexasChic on August 9, 2004, at 13:17:52
In reply to Re: Does anybody else get offended ... » TexasChic, posted by Angela2 on August 9, 2004, at 12:56:57
Posted by gardenergirl on August 9, 2004, at 15:57:47
In reply to Re: When a friend stops being a friend, posted by TexasChic on August 9, 2004, at 10:57:10
> Thanks PC. I guess I needed to hear that. I have thought about the fact that I am changing and growing while she is settling, and how that might get to her. .... I'm going to go to some meetup.com meetings this week, so who knows who I'll meet?!
TC,
What a great insight you have here. I agree, when someone chages and grows, it can also change relationships. We've had threads going in the past here on how therapy can affect marriages. And perhaps friends. That being said, I know it still hurts, and I am also someone who feels bad and sometimes guilty about the loss. In one case, I literally asked myself: What am I getting from this person in this friendship? Is it worth the energy I am investing and the pain I am experiencing? The answer was a resounding "NO"! That made it a bit easier to let go of the friendship, which felt irreparably damaged anyway. Now when I look at what I read, that seems like a cold way to evaluate a friendship, but still, one-sided effort is not fair and I think is too hard to sustain through changes like boyfriends or work stress, or personal growth.I also love the idea of meetup.com. My husband and I are going to one for the first time tonight. It is for supporters of our local candidate for the US House. I'm excited, but nervous. We go in two hours. Wish I had posted this earlier so you could give me some tips!
Take care.
gg
Posted by TexasChic on August 10, 2004, at 8:31:55
In reply to Re: When a friend stops being a friend » TexasChic, posted by gardenergirl on August 9, 2004, at 15:57:47
I've actually never been to a meetup.com meeting yet. You'll have to give *me* some tips! My first one is tonight. Its called bookcrossing. I've never done it (they put stickers on books and then leave them around for people to find, then they go to the intenet site which tracks the books travels and what was thought of it), but its the only one I could find to do with books, so I guess I'll give it a try.
As for S, I'm getting really pissed off here. I know I should have given up long ago, but I keep pushing because I want her to admit she screwed up or something. I guess I just want an explanation. I've sent two emails, very detailed as to how she has made me feel, and how hurt I am, and she's never said a word. I finally sent an email from my work account asking if she would at least let me know if she received the emails I sent them from my home account, and my work account shows that she read that one. But still, nothing. I am so mad that she has yet to talk to me about this. I feel like she's doing it on purpose to irritate me – which is working. Anyway, maybe I'll be able to let it go eventually, but for right now I'm so angry for being ignored!!!
Posted by TexasChic on August 10, 2004, at 10:11:44
In reply to Re: When a friend stops being a friend » gardenergirl, posted by TexasChic on August 10, 2004, at 8:31:55
I just don't understand! She just acts like, la ti da, everything is wonderful. I just want to slap her! I am so pissed!!! I just don't understand how she can feel content just to blow this off. I know I should just forget it, but how? I mean, this has been my closest friend for the past year, and she drops this bomb on me that she thinks I'm goofing off at work and then won't talk to me again! I feel like I just can't let it go. I may have to confront her. I don't know if that's the best idea or not, but I'm so sick of this silent business. I know she has some sort of opinion on the matter, she just refuses to talk to me about it! Argh!
Posted by JenStar on August 10, 2004, at 10:46:27
In reply to Re: Why won't she talk to me?!?!, posted by TexasChic on August 10, 2004, at 10:11:44
hi Texas Chic,
sorry about this whole mess! I feel for you.
Do you think it might help to ask her to go out for a cup of coffee with you to talk about your friendship? Or dinner or a drink, or something like that? You could meet at a quiet-ish place and have a frank discussion about what's all going on. Maybe that way you'd both feel more comfortable opening up. Maybe she's afraid to talk about it because she doesn't know how to mix a friendship with work issues, and by being silent it allows her to keep working and avoid her feelings.It's hard to read what she's doing. Maybe she's just being mean by ignoring you...maybe she honestly doesn't know how to respond...maybe she's torn between two responses and doesn't know which to give...maybe she feels really guilty b/c of how she treated you, but at the same time feels like she too has been mistrated; she doesn't have the courage to apologize and is also hoping for an apology of her own...
(In real life I'm sometimes a 'relationship wimp' so it's easy for me to offer gutsy advice here, on the web!)
Anyway, I hope things get better. From your posts it seems to me that you're a fun-loving person who really cares about trying to salvage this friendship, at least as much as you can. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. Keep us updated!
JenStar
PS - how are things with the boss lately? Any better?
Posted by TexasChic on August 10, 2004, at 11:13:42
In reply to Re: Why won't she talk to me?!?!, posted by JenStar on August 10, 2004, at 10:46:27
Thanks Jen. I may just take your suggestion. I've been imagining confronting her and demanding an explanation, but your way sounds alot better. And it *is* hard to read her, which I think is why I can't let it go. I guess I just hate to drop it if there was any chance of saving the friendship.
As for my boss, she's acting like normal. But I no longer trust her. She's shown her true colors and I won't forget that. I'm being a total perfect employee though because I don't want to push it. I need this job until I can get a new one. I feel very hurt and betrayed by her actions though. I guess I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt regardless of clear signs not to. I took a chance that I could trust her and lost. I don't see how she could possibly think she handled the situation well. I can't help but wonder if she's biding time until she can get someone to replace me. It really wouldn't be out of character for her, and may explain why S won't talk to me. Who knows?
Well, I better get back to work. Thanks for writing!
Posted by TexasChic on August 10, 2004, at 11:36:03
In reply to Re: Why won't she talk to me?!?!, posted by TexasChic on August 10, 2004, at 11:13:42
Okay, she just left for lunch and I sent her an email saying: "Okay, this is my last try. Would you be willing to get together and talk? If not, will you give me an explanation as to why not? I think I deserve at least that much."
I hope she's willing to talk. I just can't stand all this unfinished business floating around. It also makes me more and more scared that she's avoiding me because she knows I'm going to get fired or something. God, why won't my brain just shut up sometimes!
Posted by Angela2 on August 10, 2004, at 15:00:55
In reply to Re: Why won't she talk to me?!?!, posted by TexasChic on August 10, 2004, at 11:36:03
TexasChick, I hope everythign works out. Your situation with your friend sound very icky. I myself have been in these types of situations before But only one of the people I thought was my good friend. He was such a jerk to me and acted like he didn't want anything to do with me, but in a nice way. So I never really knew if he cared. I wish I had confronted him about it but I never did so now I'll always wonder. *Standing up on a podium*: Let my actions be a lesson to you, Texaschick. Confront your friend and assert yourself. You must know for sure if you are friends or not. You must have closure. You must do this for your own mental wellbeing. You have to know the truth. The truth is out there! *steps down*
I'm rooting for you TexasChick
Posted by partlycloudy on August 10, 2004, at 15:11:56
In reply to Re: Why won't she talk to me?!?!, posted by Angela2 on August 10, 2004, at 15:00:55
I really liked you up on that soapbox! You go, girl!
Posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 8:22:27
In reply to Re: Why won't she talk to me?!?!, posted by Angela2 on August 10, 2004, at 15:00:55
Thank you Angela2! That's just the incouragement I need! She didn't respond to my email, which makes me so angry! I am determined to get something out of her though. If I have to go to her house and confront her I will. Of course, if she's being totally unreasonable, I will try not to let myself get dragged into that frame of mind. But I will at least try confronting her in person once. Then that's it. The worst part for me is I worry that she's avoiding me because I'm about to get fired. But I guess I'll find out eventually. Thanks everyone for your support. This has been really hard on me.
Posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 9:14:29
In reply to Re: Why won't she talk to me?!?! » Angela2, posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 8:22:27
I finally asked S why she was ignoring my emails and she said, "Because R (our boss) said we're not supposed to do that anymore". I said, "Well, you could have told me that rather than let me keep asking over and over why your not answering me." She repeated, "Well, R said we weren't supposed to do that anymore." So I said, "You could have told me verbally rather than letting it go on and on." She just shrugged her shoulders and walked off. I am just so sick of her and upset with her I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like she's intentionally trying to irk me. I just wish I had another job and could get out of here.
Posted by partlycloudy on August 11, 2004, at 9:27:30
In reply to Crying at my desk again, posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 9:14:29
Here's a kleenex, TC. I know she is supposed to be your friend, but can I tell you (as your friend) that she isn't acting like one? I'm afraid I have had friends like this before. I've been incredibly upset and hurt by the things they've done and said - or not said. I'm definitely "gun shy" about making friends - it takes me a long long time, because I don't want to feel that vulnerable again. I have acquaintances that I keep an arm's length from for that very reason: I can see that the friendship would be parasitic instead of symbiotic. I'm way too fragile to open myself up to being friends with someone who is basically trying to crawl up the boss's behind, if you know what I mean.
At least you got an answer - kind of. You deserve a much better friend than she is capable of.
Posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 9:34:48
In reply to Re: Crying at my desk again » TexasChic, posted by partlycloudy on August 11, 2004, at 9:27:30
Thank you PC. I just wish I could get past the hurt, but I don't seem to be able to just yet.
I've actually been printing out everyone's emails so that I can at least try to keep things in perspective. I just find it so hard to believe that someone can really be this hard hearted. I keep thinking, there's got to be some other explanation. I just can't comprehend the way she's behaving.
Posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 9:57:37
In reply to Re: Crying at my desk again, posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 9:34:48
If it weren't for my nephew Christopher, I'd just get up and leave without saying anything and go drive off the nearest bridge. I'm just so sick of being miserable. But of course I could never do that as long as Christopher needs me as much as he does. I know that sounds dramatic for the situation, but I guess its something that hovers there in my mind, waiting to jump out when I'm feeling especially low.
Posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 13:26:16
In reply to Re: Crying at my desk again, posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 9:57:37
I'm feeling better now. That old suicide idealation (sp) just busts out every so often. I just have a hard time handling rejection I guess. I'm going to a meetup.com meeting tonight. I don't really feel like it, but I'm going to try to force myself because I know its a good idea. I'll let you know how it goes. I missed last night's meeting because I went to the dentist and felt crappy, plus I had the new kitty to take care of and get stuff for. I still don't have a real litter box yet, I'm using the bottom of a cheap styrofoam cooler that I cut the top off of.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 11, 2004, at 21:14:42
In reply to Re: Crying at my desk again, posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 13:26:16
Sorry your friend is being so cold. I know from experience how stressful and painful it is when coworkers don't get along. Especially ones that were friends.
Also, I meant to post to you about my meetup, but somehow I overlooked that part of this thread and I forgot. :(
My hubby and I were the second people to show, so we got to speak with the coordinator a bit. We hit it off right away, and had some things in common. It was a nice, diverse group, and I really enjoyed meeting them. I'll probably see some again if I actually do volunteer for this candidate as I intend.
Hang in there. Maybe try working on letting this friendship go, closure or not? Perhaps you can do some ritual like writing your thoughts on a slip of paper and putting it into a balloon and then releasing it, as you release her power to hurt you???
Take care, TC. We're here for you.
gg
Posted by TexasChic on August 12, 2004, at 8:07:11
In reply to Re: Crying at my desk again » TexasChic, posted by gardenergirl on August 11, 2004, at 21:14:42
Thank you gg. That means alot to me. And the thing about the balloon is such a great idea! I might just do that.
I went to my first meetup last night. It was great! I can't remember the last time I sat around and had intelligent conversation with like minded people. By the end of the night we were talking about a get together at a person's house this weekend. They were just the nicest group of people. I guess the first step in making new friends is just putting yourself out there. I encourage anyone to try meetup.com.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 12, 2004, at 8:27:08
In reply to Re: Crying at my desk again » gardenergirl, posted by TexasChic on August 12, 2004, at 8:07:11
You took a risk going to the meetup, at least as far as I'm concerned. Meeting new people can be fun, but also stressful. Good for you! I'm glad it went well.
Take care,
gg
Posted by TexasChic on August 13, 2004, at 8:46:32
In reply to Re: Crying at my desk again, posted by gardenergirl on August 12, 2004, at 8:27:08
Well, yesterday after work I went over to a co-worker's house (I'll call her P), the one that me and S have always hung out with. Since S has gotten mad at me I've been hanging out exclusively with P, and S has been kind of avoiding us both.
Well yesterday at work, I realized that despite what was said in the meeting, my boss was having S split the work like I asked. I was a little confused as to why but decided this was a chance to prove myself. So here I was doing my work, it was going well and I was going to be finished a day early, and it dawned on me that for the first time in a long time I was actually enjoying my work! That made me realize how much S's attitude had effected me all these months. For some reason this made me finally able to let go of the hurt. I don't know if it was because I was finally getting the satifaction of getting my job done, or just the lack of the negative comments from S, but I actually felt good!
So after work P invited me over and we were hanging out, and she said she noticed the difference in me and was glad I was able to be happy again. After about an hour of being over there S calls and wants to come over and see P. P told her okay, and after she got off the phone I asked her if she told S I was there. She said no, why, will it be weird? And I was like, well.... I thought about it and said, no I don't think it will be. We're both adults. After talking about it a while we decided she should call her back and tell her I was there. So she did, and after she got off the phone she told me S said, yes it would be weird, but she'd come over anyway. Well, that made*me* feel weird so I decided to just go ahead and leave because I had put up with the weirdness enough at work everyday. P didn't want me to leave but said she understood.
So for like two hours I was so upset and feeling sorry for myself imagining them over there talking about me. I waited as long as I could and finally called P, and she said S didn't stay very long and really didn't have much to say. She thought it was kind of strange. But I feel like I know what happened. Yesterday, when I finally let go of the hurt, I started being friendlier and more of the fun loving person I usually am, and I felt as if S noticed and was kind of jealous that everyone was talking to me and going on smoke breaks with me and not her. So I felt like that was what instigated her calling P.
Another thing that occured to me yesterday was that I didn't know what S was mad at me about. I mean, I really can't figure out what it can be! And because she refuses to talk about it with me, it just makes it more frusterating. So now I'm in this weird place between feeling good again and being frusterated because I have no idea what the heck *I* did to *her*.
Anyway, I just needed to get that out. Thanks for listening/reading. Any comments are welcome.
Posted by AuntieMel on August 13, 2004, at 9:28:24
In reply to Re: New developements, posted by TexasChic on August 13, 2004, at 8:46:32
So, let's see if I've got it right. You were happier, more sociable, more productive, beating deadlines, all around in a better place? Great!
So, why does it matter what S thinks? And what the [insert bad word here] does it matter knowing why she's mad? Just let it be her problem and don't let it ruin the rest. Repeat after me, 1100 times "IT'S NOT IMPORTANT. IT DOESN'T DEFINE WHO I AM"
Posted by TexasChic on August 13, 2004, at 10:05:13
In reply to Re: New developements » TexasChic, posted by AuntieMel on August 13, 2004, at 9:28:24
Thanks Mel. I needed to hear that. I guess its just harder to do when its all going on in your own head and you begin to question yourself.
So anyway, there's a get together after work tonight that I wasn't going to attend because S will be there, but I've changed my mind. I've decided I'm not going to let S's actions, or lack there of, dictate what I do from now on. The thing is, its weird to me to be all friendly to her socially. I feel like its all a big farse, and I hate that. But I guess all I can do is give it a try.
Posted by AuntieMel on August 13, 2004, at 16:00:57
In reply to Re: New developements, posted by TexasChic on August 13, 2004, at 10:05:13
The following is my hard headed opinion. Take what you need and leave the rest;)
I wouldn't say you should "be all friendly" tonight. That seems hypocritical to me.
But you don't want to look like you're avoiding her either. Just remember 'I'M DOING OK. SHE CAN'T HURT ME, I CAN ONLY HURT MYSELF' I know, easier said than done, but you can give it a good old college try.
So, go, have a good time, and as your paths cross, be pleasant and polite, much the way you would be to any acquaintance.
Win one for the Gipper.
Mel
Posted by TexasChic on August 16, 2004, at 11:12:01
In reply to Re: get together » TexasChic, posted by AuntieMel on August 13, 2004, at 16:00:57
It turned out she wasn't even there – she went out of town. I had alot of fun and realized, hey, all *these* people like me. Plus I was thinking about how our friendship was before this happened and I realized we really didn't have one. I mean, I seriously can't remember the last time we hung out together just the two of us. I also realized I had kind of already accepted that the friendship was over a long time ago. Of course I never dreamed it was all because I have a different way of working than she does. But hey, I'm getting my work done, it will be on time, what else can they say to me?
P.S. Today I came in and said, "Hey! How was your trip?" to her. I've decided *I'm* going to act normal so that the only one acting weird will be *her*!
Posted by JenStar on August 16, 2004, at 17:57:30
In reply to Re: get together, posted by TexasChic on August 16, 2004, at 11:12:01
Yah! I'm happy that you're taking charge of the situation. That is so cool. You sound SO much more happy and energized than from your initial posts about R. and S.
Congrats on getting the work done, and I really admire your honesty with yourself about the friendship. It's hard to deal with that, but it sounds like you're stronger for it.
Keep us updated on what happens!
JenStar
PS - how's the kitty?
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