Posted by susan47 on January 28, 2008, at 19:49:57
In reply to Yup F*CK it I say. (nm), posted by muffled on January 25, 2008, at 14:17:14
my rage is hot like an iron and cold like ice and I can't tell the difference anymore,
only it feel so good to exorcise the demon, and yeah I use a lot of hackneyed phrases, and what does it matter
f*ck it I say I know, because I know I have to do that, to exorcise who and what I was and how I felt about something that was wrong, wrong wrong wrong and you sat there in the black chair and had the gall to look as though you were feeling a bit ill about my presence,
because god damn it don't you understand,
that is how I feel about myself now that I know
I know nothing, and everything, and only just enough
to know that I was insane,
As close to a mental hospital as I could ever want to be.
In the fifties and the sixties they carried women like me away in restraints. Over and over again. And one day the kids would come home from school,
and mom wouldn't be there
in the usual way.
Who was I when you first laid eyes on me?
Do you remember?
I've had enough
of your tough stuff
I saw you walking away,
I saw you gesticulating with each other,
geticulating as though there were a real conversation going on.
I was wanton, wanting what I could never have.
Horrible, to be ugly and wanton and wanting.
There was a time and there was a place
when I didn't feel so badly
and I don't know why,
but every time I see you,
I just want to hurt myself because I know
how badly you feel about me. who I am.
What I became, what might happen to me again, I mean, who really knows? Do I know? I try ...
god knows I have gurus.
I wish you didn't hate me so much,
not quite so much that you would feel uncomfortable
at my observations of you.
And my pointed way of being, that involves you someplace
where you'd rather stay away.
And when I swear, I do it because I know
or I think I do, because God knows I'm wrong so very much,
about a lot of things,
but then again I have to be right some of the time,
the law of averages just says it's so.
I have to quit being so angry.
I have to get help.
I have to try Again.
I have to see someone, and try again, and this time, I have to get it right.
I can't help myself if I don't reach out.
I can't change, if I don't get help.
I don't want to change into what you seem to be, though.
I want to be Honest. Caring. Intuitive.
Which, quite frankly, I cannot be. Because I am a drug addict.
Ha, hah, hah.
I don't know how I got this way, but I have to find the courage to find out. Find Out.
Oh god, I loved you so much, mr. Ex-T. I am so sorry you find me so regpugnant. I am so sorry I hit you in all the wrong spots.
One of my gurus says people like that are your soulmates, and in an odd way of course that's correct. So it's a good thing my dreams play out kind scenes, and make everything all right again, because in my mind I wouldn't want to have another soulmate like you come along and hurt me in all the right places ever again, because it feels so Wrong.
I just have to stop being angry, and start feeling something worthwhile.