Posted by Susan47 on March 14, 2006, at 15:15:49
In reply to So much time, so much money, so much effort, posted by Susan47 on March 13, 2006, at 16:04:10
Hey.
Did you know that I just had a startling thought .. that these things always come to me here, at home, in the sunshine, doing what I love .. never anywhere else, really, because I'm a homebody, I love being at home, I love puttering and tinkering and thinking endlessly about so little .. really .. little things made whole, you know? And this never happens at work. Never. Only at play. Hey. I realized I don't like to work, not at what I have trained myself to do, and lately, poorly .. because I have half a mind, I've always had half a mind, or less, that's what drugs and anxiety do. Who do you talk to, who do you tell, who can you trust when you have a secret that's this big? That's this f*cked up? I know I'm not the only person to be going through this, I know this can be handled, but I don't know how to do it without dying in the process.
I don't want to die.
I don't want anyone I love or care about, to die, and I love remembering, I love love love to be in my little girl's mind, my child self needs me.
But I need to be an adult. This is not the time to be a child.
This is not the time to be addicted.
There is no leeway, you know, because you need to survive, and you can only do that when you're whole, and you're only whole when you've toked, and then you're really not, you just have more will to do what needs to be done in life, there's a barrier between you and the world, and this barrier is your protective bubble, and right now you need that bubble to be huge, because there is no person to help. Okay, so there is, and that's you, but... you're only here, here on Babble, here on this page, this is you, this is your mind talking, and you need to get a grip.. the bubble can be there without the drug. Please God, whom I don't believe in .. God, who is the planet, who is everything on it, God who is everywhere, every thought and atom, here, We are the earth's eyes and ears. It feels right, but the earth is really really sad, and feeling really empty and alone right now, because the love for it just isn't there anymore.
It's not there, like it used to be.
God bless Babble.
poster:Susan47
thread:619855
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20060125/msgs/620255.html