Posted by Shame on March 10, 2005, at 12:48:48
The most agonizing truth about depression is what it takes from you and how it achieves its goals. It does not fight with honor. It takes what is most precious first.
Before it leaves your emotions raw, stripped to the bone and unable to love.
Before it steals your drive, leaving you too apathetic to do anything but exist.
Before it takes your freedom, making you unable to participate in life.
Before it makes small your voice, and leaves you unable to speak.It takes your judgment.
You don’t even notice it when it leaves, it exits so quietly.
Sapped away.Why do some things sound so intoxicating while others simply too much to deal with?
Why does pain sound so sweet while the incessant ache in my new piercings threatens to drive me insane?
How can I find the energy to cry so hard my chest hurt and my head pounds, but I cannot clean my house?
How can someone so uninterested in their own well being be so selfish as to drop this on their soul mates doorstep?I think this situation worries her far more than it worries me. I feel her pain as keenly as I feel my own, and it twists it in new directions, adding guilt to everything that ravages me. I know that is not her intent, and the fact that her concern over me is perverted in this manner angers me. Can't it leave me anything?
Children? It seems cruel to push this onto something so undeserving. The illness that pollutes my genes would effect them twice, just as it did me. Once during childhood when they watch their father struggle with something that cannot be seen, while he tries to provide the best life he can for his family. Then again during young adulthood when the mantle of my sickness passes on to them. Bad blood. Bad blood that I have handled far better than my mother. Better than my aunt. Better than my grandmother. Better than her mother.
I am living proof that natural selection has failed, that we have removed ourselves from Darwin’s great theory.
So, it comes down to one question. Do I wish I had never been born? If I value life then maybe my child will too. I hope he will forgive me if he does not.
poster:Shame
thread:469260
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050211/msgs/469260.html