Posted by AdaGrace on March 8, 2005, at 7:30:51
In reply to Re: I Can't See You.....Very Personal and Graphic, posted by Susan47 on March 7, 2005, at 14:14:13
Yes Susan, it all makes sense and you are 100% right. But you see, I did this on purpose. I knew I was doing it, I know I am doing it right now. I know it's wrong, and I know it's causing more harm than good, but I'm doing it on purpose.
My mouth forms a tiny grin each time the expected happens. It's like my own form of self mutilation. It's a release to me to be kicked around and abused. Then I can say, "See there, I told you this would happen, I asked for this, I deserve this."
However....the longer I allow this to continue the stronger I seem to feel about how I DO NOT DESERVE THIS. I'm almost done you know. Almost insane enough to hurt him back. I feel victory coming. I can tell him to go get f*cked, and it won't hurt me at all. The game is almost over. Don't you see Susan. This is why I chose him!!!!!!!! I knew he would do this, I knew he would continue and it would get worse, and I knew it might just slap me into reality. I have news for him. Before it's over, I will slap him back. I've never had a man mark me or bruise me or hit me, and I will NOT let him forget that he was the first, and the last.
Yes, the sad thing is, my fragile heart began to feel during this process. Began to think I needed him to be my lover, my friend, my confidant. My pride let go, and I felt things churning inside for him. But I was falling in love with the feeling of desire and being desired. Not him. You are right. I fed this relationship because I thought I needed it to be a replacement of a powerful love I thought I had lost, but maybe, just maybe Susan, I haven't had that powerful long lasting lifetime love. Maybe I never will, but maybe i can realize that I don't have to have it. Comfort, comfort is better than turmoil, isn't it?
AdaGrace
poster:AdaGrace
thread:467702
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050211/msgs/468164.html