Posted by Shame on March 2, 2005, at 14:29:00
I post this here because its the only place it fits. I expect no replies. I post it only to satisfy myself. To get it out.
Most therapists make my skin crawl. Not that they are bad people. Its just that the concept of someone trying to empathize with my dysfunctional mind seems flawed at best. How can he not find everything I say, everything I am, melodramatic and whining? I walk my delicate line, telling what needs to be told, and trying to disabuse him of conclusions I know he as jumped to. He looks at me, taking in the way that I dress... Deciphers my body language, my mannerisms, the patterns in my speech. Analyzes the sicknesses that run in my family, and wonders the same thing I have wondered a thousand times. Is it genetic, or is his family just as broken as he is? Nature or nurture.
Rage. Where does it come from and why do I keep it locked away, when all it wants is to see the light of day. Rage at my life. Rage at my illness. Rage at the jackass in the next cube with the permanent grin on his face. Rage at the feminists that have robbed men of everything but the right to work themselves to an early grave for an ungrateful whore.
We are told that our maleness is a liability, that its a perversion of the way a civilized society is supposed to behave. My feelings suppressed in lieu of ones more appropriate for our feminized society. Any aggressive impulses I have, no matter how small, squelched. What nature has made me is wrong, and it must be changed. The music of my genes is silenced.
I give. I work when I'm told to work, rest when I am told to rest, care when I am told to care, fight when I’m told to fight. Bleed when I am told to bleed. A slave to a society that despises my very existence, but cannot survive without me.
Work. Educate. Care. Sleep. In a diurnal cycle that never ends. One that moves without our will. A system that is beyond us, above us. Submit or be swept away.
The solution for all of this, of course, is to talk to a stranger. Take these pills. Tell me about that. How does that make you feel? Tell him everything. What you are.
Find another slave.
poster:Shame
thread:465496
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050211/msgs/465496.html