Posted by malthus on August 26, 2004, at 20:56:58
In reply to Re: poem ... Bob to Register Three » malthus, posted by Atticus on August 26, 2004, at 4:49:36
Yes, last night I was feeling particularly p#####
(rhymes with kissed~don't want Bob to be upset)
off. A few months I was diagnosed by my psych. as bipolar II which includes hypomania. I never really thought about why I would throw myself into something to the point of exhaustion but now I understand it. I am taking meds for it but I think sometimes they don't kick in. Unfortunately the flip side of hypomania, which I'm sure you already know, is depression which would explain the "air of melancholy". I cycle between these states of depression and hypomania pretty rapidly, I start out nostalgic and end up vitrolic. Last night however I felt particularly bitter. This came about from thinking about the last time I was hospitalized. Sean would come to see me every day I was there which was comforting but at the time we were broken up (which led to me downing vodka and Klonopin like nobody's business) He drove me home after I was released and I asked him if he ever thought we could make our relationship work. He became like a snarling dog, telling me how could he think about that after what I had done. He said "Can't you see that you are unstable and therefore unable to be in a relationship? I've been seeing someone else and today's her birthday so I just have to drop you off." I was dumbfounded. This was after his supportive and kind visits to the hospital, bringing me flowers, the whole nine yards, so I suppose that I thought maybe he was considering getting back together. I made him a bookmark when I was in there during "art therapy" and proudly gave it to him (I was pretty drugged up from the constant supervision of medications where you have to stick your tongue out so the nurse makes sure your not burrowing the pills into the side of your mouth.) He seemed so thankful for this thing I'd made for him (he probably added it to his collection of pictures and memorabilia from the plethora of women he's had.) Last night, looking back on that and what he said to me in the car brought up all these feelings of the worthlessness I felt about myself when he made those remarks.Certainly writing afer I've thought about such an event makes me feel more empowered and emotionally satisfied. But when I woke up this morning I remembered another incident, putting an idea into my head all day for a poem. The hypomania is in full force right now (which may not be a bad thing because I can purge by writing.) I know the "crash" is coming soon as it always does.
>:(Thanks for asking me questions about my trilogy, it allows me to open up and reveal some details to you about my past.
lovelorn malthus
poster:malthus
thread:382338
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20040729/msgs/382700.html