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Re: Are you okay scott? SLS

Posted by alexandra_k on July 20, 2018, at 9:59:09

In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? Lamdage22, posted by SLS on July 20, 2018, at 7:26:35

> I am sure that my conception of remission and how life can be experienced without bipolar depression is not unrealistic. I have had brief remissions before, and the world becomes a very different place to live in. Normal issues become easy to deal with. Challenges are not so insurmountable. It feels good to work for things. Even cleaning my apartment becomes rewarding.

You are reminding me of something that I have experienced when it comes to features of my environment.

I was in a place where I really did not feel okay, at all. I didn't have the personal space that I needed. I lived in a situation where I had a shared communal kitchen and I really just needed to not have people contact. Or I lived in a tiny little studio apartment and there was a constant succession of partying or screaming or yipping or squawking from people upstairs or downstairs or through paper thin walls or through single paned windows.

I remember saying to people (anyone who would listen) that I just needed a quiet place away from the noises of unsupervised teenagers / very young adults.

And 'rubbish rubbish rubbish pooh pooh pooh you are asking too much, you are being unreasonable, whatever kind of upset you think this is causing you this is not causing you there is something wrong with you'.

And it turned out...

They were wrong.

Because when my environment shifted all that anxiety and stress and agitated pacing and feeling like I wanted to gnaw my arm off or scratch my face off or bang my head... All of that behavior (which is typical for animals that are kept in a over-crowded state where they are prevented from engaging in 'natural behavior') all of that... Simply melted away. For really.

And, of course, that's why living in the inner city slums was only supposed to be temporary. And why people pay so much money for million dollar houses in adjacent suburbs that are quieter for being priced so as to keep the masses of teenagers out.

My point (in case it is getting lost, here) is that I think I get what you mean about feeling like things aren't okay... And feeling like things, sometimes, feel better. And yeah, sometimes they just do.

I personally found that medication messed with me rather a lot. Changes to medication took me quite some time to adapt or adjust to, I mean.

When I quit smoking I felt like a whole different person and I didn't think I was ever going to come right. I didn't think I was ever going to be able to read, again, or to engage in focused work. To write philosophy. I thought all of that was lost forever because it really genuinely was impossible for me for more than a few years.

And now I can do it... But I don't want to do it. But I'm doing it. Because I can make myself do things that are hard. Because I'm (mostly) not lazy... Mostly... But there really was a time... For a few years... When I really couldn't do it.

Could I have done it for a million bucks?

Possibly.

I'm not sure what that shows, either. That's a massive alteration to the incentive structure. The things that can be brought with that.

Hells, that would buy enough methamphetamine (or whatever) to make anything temporarily enjoyable... To get one through...

But that isn't the point...

That isn't the thing to be doing... To help...

I don't know. I'm just trying to not tell you to do x and y and z to make things better because sometimes... I don't know... SOmetimes acceptance is change? When it's not the 'party line' any rate.

So...

About them cars. Are you into cars? I ask because I am sort of into motorcycles. Mostly transport necessity, though. But they are kind of fun. LIke a mechanical horse that doesn't crap anywhere. Or that cr*ps all over the environment and is everybody elses problem rather than mine. Heh.

 

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