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Re: I don't think they pity me

Posted by alexandra_k on December 25, 2013, at 15:38:26

In reply to Re: I don't think they pity me » rjlockhart37, posted by alexandra_k on December 25, 2013, at 15:22:27

so my dbt therapist used to say that i get to make my own family. i guess because i was 19 or 20 or 21 or something at the time. she probably figured i'd grow up to get married or something.

never say never... but, really, i don't suppose that i will. i don't think i'm capable of letting someone that close to me. friends who i feel close enough to co-habitate with (sometimes, at least) i don't feel anything more for. if i have feelings for more then i don't have the desire to spend much time with. either way... i don't seem able to tolerate the closeness that most people... need? want? for part of their life, at least.

i don't quite know what it is.

anyway, it's okay. maybe i'll meet someone who i feel differently about... maybe my feeling will change over time... or maybe it won't. maybe the problem, really, is the intensity with which i really need to be alone when i do really need to be alone. i mean... it isn't an 'i'd rather be alone, but i can put on a happy face' sort of preference. it is more of an 'if you come within 5 feet of me i'll scream and repeatedly hit you' sort of preference. i can't seem to help it. the feeling, i mean. so that's that, really.

i did a little writing yesterday and it was good. i need to remember that. will keep away at it. i'm fairly sure... the university will never turn away a submitted thesis? yes? does it really matter whether i'm enrolled or not? perhaps it is better for me to think of things this way?

i... need to talk to someone about this... what to do... i don't know who to talk to. i... i feel like i need someone to make executive decisions for me. talk to enrollment people and sort this out on my behalf. i'm weary. i'm sick of being expected to be a grown up. i don't have grown up skills. i... didn't learn them by osmosis the way the other students did. sorry.

i'll just ignore it for a while. get supervisor work on the third. tell him about summer school. i know he'll be understanding about my need to do that -- the worry is more about what is to happen with my thesis. shudder.

i guess i need to apply for an extension and then apply to go on leave for the year. then return to things October. i mean... that is the only option, really.

on the upside they have introduced this fee that i need to pay in cash. a couple hundred dollars... student services fee or some sh*t. i mean it is not like i can access student services for anything from here... though i sort of feel like there must be somebody from there end who can help me finish... but it is money they keep getting if you are enrolled. maybe that is the point... you wouldn't keep paying that if you weren't really planning on finishing. or something. whatever. money money money everything costs it. it is supposed to signify how much something means to you, i think. only... what if you don't have a lot. does that mean... you aren't allowed to care about very much? it limits your options. that is the sad thing about not having any. that is meant to be, anyway.

the hardest thign (in my experience at least) is for more money to increase freedom... rather than that extra money making you more of a slave to various things.

hrm.

i guess that means it is not really about the money.

 

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