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Re: I feel bad about thinking this *trigger??*

Posted by Deneb on February 14, 2009, at 2:11:50

In reply to I feel bad about thinking this *trigger??*, posted by Deneb on February 14, 2009, at 1:59:43

The weird thing is, I actually don't want the cops called on me. There have been times I was terrified of them coming. Which doesn't make sense at all.

The main reason why I fear them is because I wouldn't want my parents or family to know I wasn't doing well. I lie a lot to keep my troubles a secret. If I ever kill myself, my parents would be the last to suspect something was wrong. I just can't bare the thought of my Mom worrying about me.

I am lying right now. I am pretending to go to work this week and the next Mon and Tues. because I don't want them to know I had to get my exam deferred and am studying for it now. I don't want them to know I wasn't doing well for a while. I can't ever let my parents suspect anything is wrong when there is something wrong.

I did it the day I did the big OD. I got to the hospital by ambulance and I still kept up the lie, telling my Mom I was studying late when I was actually in the hospital. I tried to escape to go home when the doctor who promised I would home soon didn't keep her promise. Only when I was physically kept from leaving did I have to come clean and tell my parents I was at the hospital. Yes I was willing to die instead of letting my parents know I OD'd.

That is why I will never want the cops to actually come.


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