Posted by Racer on September 13, 2008, at 12:49:39
In reply to There is a small ledge ***trigger***, posted by Deneb on September 10, 2008, at 0:22:25
Deneb, that isn't your destiny. That's an obsessive thought. You've shown a history here of intrusive, unwanted, and obsessive thoughts, often about this sort of thing. You've also shown that you have a great deal of enjoyment in life, curiosity about What Comes Next, and really have no wish to end your chances of finding out. We don't want to lose you, and you don't want to lose you. This is only one of those intrusive, unwelcome, and obsessive thoughts.
So, what do you do with those intrusive, unwelcome, and obsessive thoughts? I think the Risperdal was helpful for that, wasn't it? Have you and your pdoc worked on techniques to counter those IU&O thoughts?
Do you know the story of Tolstoy's white bear? His older brother said to him one day, "whatever you do, don't think of a white bear." Needless to say, that was all he could think about all day. I don't know what to do about IU&O thoughts, but I get them, too. I'm going to be talking to my T about it, because there are times it gets in the way of my functioning.
(Currently, for example, my IU&O thoughts are focused on something rather pleasant -- I have a friend I find very attractive, and have been having intrusive fantasies about going to bed with him. Even pleasant thoughts can be a problem, though, since they make it hard to concentrate on what I really should be focusing on.)
(And for an example of an unpleasant version I've had: I was walking across a pedestrian bridge with my husband, and too afraid to walk on the side near traffic in case I fell down into the road and was hit, but also too afraid to walk on the side away from traffic, because there was a low railing that I was afraid I would fall or jump over. That's anxiety, and the anxiety was triggering IU&O thoughts. It was a terrible experience, and I very nearly got down on my hands and knees to cross that pedestrian bridge. I cried. I knew it was "only" anxiety -- I knew I wasn't going to jump over, but I was so afraid that that impulse to jump would get too strong and I wouldn't be able to resist. Those thoughts can be very, very strong, but they're still only thoughts. You don't ever have to act on a thought.)
Anyway, maybe it would help -- at least until you get a chance to work on it with your pdoc -- to remind yourself that these are only IU&O thoughts. Nothing to do with destiny. Only with IU&O thoughts.
I hope that helped.