Posted by alesta on July 21, 2008, at 16:38:54
decided it would be safer to do it here. i am in
so much pain and people keep putting me down...i
just want to stop it. (they say nice things too but that doesn't take away the pain or help anything...the damage is done.) here is a post i intended to put on another site but decided i'd put it here. please don't judge me you guys.you insinuated that i was a drug addict...i'm not a drug addict, or an alcoholic, i don't smoke...i may be temporarily mentally impaired from stress, depression, being attacked by many people (subliminal communication will be the death of me), and having someone in my life that i've had to spend a lot of time with recently who has confused my thoughts and mentally/emotionally exhausted me to the point where i almost fell out of the passenger seat of a vehicle the other day. so before you mistakenly conclude anything about someone know that there are a ton of things you do not know. (i've been told i'm stupid by tons of people. it hurts even more the 50th time.) i am not jesus either. good god. never claimed to be so if you are angry because i am buckling under all of this mass hatred just be happy that i am containing it and not releasing it on you. i have yet to find a way to access ALL the hurt and release it. just let this die, for god's sake, before i do. i can't take anymore. (please note this is not really directed to this forum but the world at large. if you have not judged me or expected anything from me, i thank you so much.) i am in deep emotional pain people. do i have to spell it out? maybe you are trying to kill me. or don't know what you're doing. and if you just miss me then i feel no hatred toward you. i try to stay away from the tv and radio now and email but it's impossible. i seriously wish i was dead. and how in the hell do i explain this to a therapist. oh god....the world thinks i'm an idiot b/c i am too shy to face them and too scared to see if i could face the disappointment they would feel if they finally met me and all their fantasies might come crashing down. i would just die. i mean...i'm a REAL person..so now i am deemed an idiot by everyone. i'm not an extravert anymore but an introvert...i don't handle a lot of attention or people very well now. and i see human nature in a whole new way now...it feels like there's evil everywhere.
i just want it all to go away. i saw that someone really cared the other day..not what they could get from me but that they really cared....i don't get that very much. i don't care what people think of me anymore i just want it to stop. i have to get myself back and that won't happen until people stop kicking me. i remember anna nicole smith commenting about people kicking her after her son died, wondering why...that's how i feel...i'm so distressed and they keep on....i guess b/c they hear the nice things said and are jealous, but they shouldn't be. i need help....can't explain this to anyone so i can't get it out...
poster:alesta
thread:841283
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20080721/msgs/841283.html