Posted by ClearSkies on June 17, 2008, at 14:35:58
In reply to Re: Going under » ClearSkies, posted by Tabitha on June 17, 2008, at 9:34:30
> It doesn't seem easier at all lately, it seems more unbearable and I feel less able to cope.
>
> Trying to suck support out of a person who can't or won't give it is adding to the crazy. Now he's starting to see me as a person who needs drama, who needs constant ego-stroking. Then I get desperate to fix that, to make him see my pain, and of course all attempts are seen as more drama and manipulation. Rock, meet hard place.
>And the more we feel we need to suck support out of that person, the more they resist being able to give it. It's that whole "neediness" thang - I hate it. I see it as a way of trying to achieve a balance - the more you struggle and cry out, the quieter the other person becomes and draws away, tries to create the balance. So the more we say we need <attention> <help> <love> <understanding>, the less the other person is able to give these things to us. It makes itself worse and worse.
> Ride it out. Hmmm. That sounds sensible. But it feels like I can't stand another second. It feels eternal. I'm afraid it's only going to be endless, and increasing. There's just no place to rest. I think I find a little resting place, and a few minutes later, it's gone. I try to stop resisting and just let it wash over me, and that's OK for a few minutes, but then it pops back up.
>You are riding it through, though - that's what we're doing, just by breathing in and breathing out. And sometimes that's ALL that we're able to do, when it gets unbearable and we're hurting so badly, just breathe. But you are actually passing through this pain. It is washing over you. It changes, a bit better, a bit worse, it changes. It will get better, as it's done in the past. Just like it's gotten worse in the past too. We breathe through it - I hate having to do it. That's when I try to haul myself to a yoga class (I sure can't manage a practice on my own - I need to be shown the way, each time, through those breaths.) Can you try doing that, maybe? Or a mindfulness exercise - you can download some for free, there are some pretty decent ones out there. Very helpful for my weary mind.
> It has two flavors: sad and desperate. The sadness is better I think, because it's more pure. If I can just let that be, it's almost tolerable.
>
> The desperate, on the other hand, is awful. My poor brain thinks it can do something to make this better. I make a plan, struggle to stick to that plan, and ten minutes later make an opposite plan. I try to predict the outcome and berate myself for things I've already done. The worst thing is thinking I've already ruined this. I've driven him away. I can fix it. No it's too late. The cycling just feels awful.
>
> In a way, someone's death is easier for me to handle than a dying relationship, because there's truly nothing else to do.
Maybe this too is something that has to be breathed through. (It's not dead yet, like the Norwegian Blue parrot, nailed to its perch!) I know that clinging more tightly will make it hurt more, though. But perhaps just letting up slightly, giving it a little bit of air, will help it to revive? I don't know the circumstances or what you've been through with this person, so I can't say - but relationships can be resilient things if we give them some room.((((Tabitha)))) so sad to see you hurting.
CS
poster:ClearSkies
thread:835014
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20080601/msgs/835088.html