Posted by Tabitha on June 17, 2008, at 1:33:00
I feel I've lost the plot. I don't even know what's happening. Slinky's death, and the feelings that brought up, I don't know, I guess probably memories of my mother. My romantic relationship is uncertain and has become a constant source of pain to me. It hurts to make contact, hurts to have none. Hurts to contemplate ending it, hurts to contemplate staying. The only comfort is, since it hurts equally either way, maybe I can accept the outcome.
I don't understand this degree of pain. I think I'd gnaw off my own foot to end it. I even try alcohol and it really doesn't help, just makes the pain fuzzy, but it comes back worse.
What is this reaction good for? Seems like pain from an unknown source to an unknown end. I think, Ok, I just need to treat this like the black thoughts of depression. It's just mental noise with no real meaning. That comforts me for a half hour or so. I try to take a spiritual approach, I ask the creator to let this pain have a purpose. To open my heart. Or something.
I try to go into it. It's like a dependency need, a fear of annihilation. Going into it doesn't make it stop. Waves come again and again. I watch TV for a couple hours, the pain is still there afterward.
I google. I find suggesions like "do something you enjoy" and "watch a funny movie". Thanks, internet.
My thoughts go, "I can't stand this". Before it got so overwhelming and formless, I think it was about loss and love. I can't be alone, but I can't love, because I can't endure the loss of another attachment.
I've tried to hide it from him, but it's not successful. I fear I've driven him away already. I try to forgive myself in advance for that. I've grown in this, maybe I've just reached my limit. Maybe this particular relationship is more triggering than another would be. Maybe I've done my best.
All of these thoughts only bring comfort for a few seconds.
He's going on vacation. Is that all this is about really? I thought I was past going unstable when people went on vacation. I swear, I was past this point. Why am I here again?
poster:Tabitha
thread:835014
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20080601/msgs/835014.html