Posted by karen_kay on May 24, 2007, at 17:47:29
In reply to KK are you okay?, posted by Happyflower on May 24, 2007, at 16:12:35
lately, i've been feeling so many things. (and this isn't at all how i've planned this post)
i also didn't have room for triggers in the subject line. while these triggers are true, and there are no plans to follow them, and i must say this almost sounds like a joke or a jab right at you, perhaps i should say, i'm about to start my womanly cycle and am also a terrible hypochondriac.
with the beginning of this cycle, which just now started getting back to normal, has also started bringing a very different side to the kk i know and love. it brings a side, similar to naggie kk, only much more hateful. this 'naggie kk', as i call her, appears out of nowhere. while eager mister kk makes a wonderful meal, naggie kk shouts 'throw every extra condiment with calories on that wrap you can. while i'm eating, i want to get every extra calorie i can right now.' he does this with gusto, not only happy to please me, but also happy to see me eat. i watch him, pacing, out of the corner of my eye, sighing ever so heavily to let him know how i've been waiting so very long and am especially annoyed. he seems to not even here me. this only annoys me more. i tell him 'hurry up, and i want sun tea with that.' he brigns me these wraps, delivered with love, care and a smile on his face, and i shout, 'where's my tea?' his smile then falters. i feel horrible. he only asks, 'do you want ranch and sour cream in your tea as well?'
i wonder, 'does this mean i'm depressed?' my mood swings? am i getting depressed? but, i can laugh and laugh at steven colbert. and my duckie. i can still find enjoyment in squishing bugs. i still get plenty of energy out of those old lady drinks. but, i still catastrophize (wowsa, is that even a word?) in my head that i am. and that there isn't a single medication in the world that could save me. then, i'd just be stuck. and at times, i'm so consumed with guilt i think maybe, just maybe i should hit the medicine cabinet. then, i think 'great, then someone would have to find me and imagine how bad i'd feel about that.' and that thought just makes me feel even worse. i guess if that keeps me here, it's enough sometimes, you know? (jesus christ, where is all this guilt coming from? i wish i could confidently say wasted talent, but at least it can make me laugh. childhood sh*t is a lot to take on at once isn't it, and this is getting a bit too serious for me i think....
about the hypochodriac part.... i think i'm getting pmdd. my father once saw a television spot about ovarian cancer and said very seriously, 'i think i have that.' he really wasn't that far off, he did die years later from lung and liver cancer. (wowsa.. i need to finish my beer now too.)
i am superfantastic most of the time dear. just very prone (watch out for the next few days) for rapid mood swings. better watch out or i'll be getting on your case for not getting my tea fast enough.
poster:karen_kay
thread:759315
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20070523/msgs/759320.html