Posted by 10derHeart on March 19, 2007, at 17:47:52
In reply to Can we talk about touch?, posted by Daisym on March 18, 2007, at 0:34:36
No, actually, I can't talk about it. Not so far. Not IRL ever, or even in T. except to dance around it. So uncanny you should bring this up just now.
I think my last 2.5 years of therapy has probably been circling around this issue - that what is essentially "wrong" with me, and leads to depressive episodes and most other MH problems at this point in my life - is the lack of this. And what that means to me - all the whys around believing very bad things about being lovable or touchable any more. It's not just the lack of any primary relationship with a SO (the pain of which I've just recently been able to even speak of out loud to my T.) but specifically the idea that I think *adults* also, in a sense, wither up and die (at least part of us) without being touched :-(
> I think I miss it, even if it terrifies me.
That must be so confusing sometimes. I mean, I'll bet you can intellectually understand it, but emotionally, that push-pull, love-hate, want-don't want - Lord, it's just exhausting to experience, no doubt. We have very different pasts, Daisy, but somehow I get this so well when you write it. I'm not terrified of it - that I know of- yet still, I get it.
>Since I've been separated, there is no one to hold me, and no one to wrap myself around when I feel bad.
Yes. It's been since October 1995 for me. I try not to think about it - ever. But that quit working a while back. And even in that three year relationship (which ended by me getting dumped in a voice mail in Dec '95) I wasn't *really* being held or touched out of love - lust, maybe, but that's all. Sad. So, who knows how long, really? It's a concept so distressing, some protective, authority-voice says, "This we do NOT think or talk about."
>As bad as things were between my husband and myself, I think being held every now and then had value.
Of course it did. It still does its work, its magic on us, physiologically and emotionally, even if the relationship with the person overall isn't what it should be. One of those times where the brain makes no distinctions, but just takes what it needs to keep us healthier?
> My son gives great hugs. But it isn't enough.Yup. So does my grown daughter (she did learn to be physically affectionate from me, I'm proud to say) and my closer friends at church. But it's never enough. It's not on the same level of intimacy we crave. And I find it's a painful reminder of what I really want/need, you know?
>Or maybe I just don't really know what I need. It could be an overall need to be taken care of and being held symbolizes that.
Well, it may symbolize that in a bigger way, true, but it also *is* that - literally. I think in a close, loving, healthy marriage, taking care of each other naturally includes lots of loving touches of all sorts. Not sure exactly how I know this must be true, but I do
> The thing is, I HATE to be touched. I'm one of those awkward huggers, I usually stick my hand out to avoid someone grabbing me. How do people get good at that? Or more comfortable?Well, maybe, practice, practice, practice? I'm not completely comfortable, but because my circle of friends does this *all the time,* it's grown on me - slowly, but it has gotten easier. I dunno. I like to be touched, nearly always, unless someone I don't know well catches me off guard. Then I may recoil and get a bit defensive. Depending on each of our past experiences, I'd imagine it would be much harder, much more frightening and potentially triggery for some than for others.
> This feels like one of those oxy morons - I miss being held but don't touch me.
Yeah, like I said above, so da*n confusing to want it both ways. To move one way or the other seems almost impossible. More touching - too scary, can't stand it, don't want it. Less touching - stay feeling isolated, longing and unsoothed (if that isn't a word it should be!)
> *sigh*
I join your sigh, Daisy, I really do. This issue is *gigantic* for me and I'm glad you brought it up.
poster:10derHeart
thread:741908
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20070305/msgs/742234.html