Posted by LJRen on October 26, 2006, at 23:52:21
In reply to Welcome to Babble! *suicide trigger* » LJRen, posted by Racer on October 26, 2006, at 12:49:13
Thank you, Racer. What you said about depression being a cognitive handicap, I've never heard anyone put it like that before. And that depression hides the world from us, I've never considered. I've always believed I saw the world for what it truly is - pretty crappy. But I can accept the possibility that I can't see beyond my "depression vision".
As for my medication, I've been treated by I don't know how many psychiatrists. Over the past 12 years since I was diagnosed I've been on: amitriptyline, prozac, zoloft, paxil, effexor, lexapro, cymbalta, wellbutrin. My last doc even tried combining wellbutrin w/ paxil. The results have either been virtually no effect at all, or moderate effect that barely gets me by. Currently though, I'm just on wellbutrin. It keeps me from hitting the bottom of the pit of despair at least.
Paxil was the first drug I took that did any good. I noticed a difference in my actual thought patterns. It was bizarre but appreciated. I was able to finish college b/c of it. But once out in the real world, a whole new set of pressures gave the drug a run for its money.
Since then, it's been trial & error with a whole lot of error. I have a well respected engineering degree but after leaving the first 2 jobs after college b/c they made me miserably bored, I then got fired in one year's time from the next 3 jobs b/c, again, I was bored. Took me a year or so to get over that. Took admin jobs, waitressing jobs, valeted cars for a couple of years, worked at Petsmart for the past year & a half, and now I'm at a factory working as a machine operator and as usual, bored out of my mind.
I know a whole lot of what I don't want, but none of what I really do want. That's not true... What I want is to sleep and to be left alone. Unfortunately, being single, that's not an option. Perhaps the depression not only hides part of the world but also part of myself from me. That would explain why I don't feel passionate about anything. I like some things in life. But I have never been able to come up with some interest that is so all consuming or even enjoyable enough that I'd be willing or content to do it 40 hours a week.
I've also been told I'm too smart for my own good. Sometimes, I think being intelligent can be a drawback b/c so much is needed to keep my mind engaged and it has to be diverse b/c any one thing gets old in a matter of days w/ me.
In all honesty, I think my psyche is just one big rat's nest and any therapist would have his work cut out for him in trying to unravel it.
As for my meds, I think I can hold it together until my insurance starts in Jan. I've been through a lot worse over the years. I just hope whatever doc I see can come up w/ something new b/c the last one I had told me I had tried everything out there. Kinda made me feel like I had hit a dead end.
Thanks again Racer.
Ren
poster:LJRen
thread:697835
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20061018/msgs/698086.html