Posted by Kath on May 21, 2006, at 16:58:27
In reply to Re: Can't detach from 22yr old son's stupid choices... » Kath, posted by crazy teresa on May 21, 2006, at 15:14:27
> I am sooo sorry you're having to live through this. I'm not sure anything else is as painful as watching our children make poor descisions, except loosing one. I have lived through both.
********I'm so sorry that you've had problems with your daughter AND lost a child. I know how even having a very early miscarriage was devastating to me years ago, so I can't even imagine how awful it would be to lose a child.*****
> I would recommend two books to you, which really helped me with my daughters. "Changes That Heal" (this one helped me deal with my mother-in-law from hell, too!) and "Love Must Be Tough".
********I'll see if I can get either (or both) from the library. If not, & if they helped you to change your behaviour around your daughter's behaviour, it'd be worth me buying - because that's exactly what I need to do. I HAVE been a part of keeping my son from being a contributing member of society, because I've bailed him out; helped him in lots of ways.***********As hard as it is, I had to learn to stop bailing my daughter out of trouble. Making her life easier was not making her life better, in fact it was ultimately hurting her, keeping her in the same unhealthy patterns. It was keeping her from becoming a responsible adult and contributing member of society. A good counselor helped a great deal with this, also. A cheerleader on my side when I felt like I was hurting her, even though in fact I was actually helping her, was tremendously supportive.
******As I mentioned in my reply to Racer, I do have access to a good counsellor for a certain period of time. They're just too expensive for me to have an ongoing one, however, my family physician is VERY good, knows my history & my son's, has talked with me before about these things & has told me that I'm welcome to make an appointment with him just to talk whenever I need to, so I think I'll make a point to do that.*******
> You are not a failure as a parent! Your son is old enough to know how to make good descisions. I doubt that you taught him it was ok to take drugs and bounce checks. All we can do is teach them what we can and let them go.
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> Stop letting him balckmail you emotionally. It's not your fault he doesn't work. And let's get real, was living with you so horrible? I doubt it. I'll bet he had electricity the entire time he was with you! If I were you, I'd be very offended by remarks like that. If he can't be nice, then I wouldn't call him or go out of my way to visit. Until he shows you the respect that you as his mother deserve, I would keep my distance. Isn't that what he's actually asking you to do? If that's what he wants so much, then let him have it. Let him find out that life without you isn't as rosey as he might think. What would he think if there were no extra groceries, no birthday gifts, no free dinners out, no thoughtful acts from you at all? I may sound like a horible bitch, but he can't have his cake and eat it too! You are teaching him it is ok to say hurtful things to you by letting him get away with remarks like that.
*******good points & NO you don't sound like a bitch to me! I do better if I get mad & I'm actually really glad he said that to me!!! Since that point, (Thursday nite) I have kept my cellphone turned off, am NOT answering my phone (which is fine with me; people can leave me a message if they want to & I'll call them back). My 30-year old daughter (who is lovely, so I guess I AM a pretty good parent after all!) is living with my husband & I since she has Multiple Chemical Sensitivities & can't work. I've asked her to pick up any phone messages & relay the info to me. That way, I don't even need to hear his voice! You're right - so what was so horrible about living here?!!!
It's hard for me to not 'horrible-ize' as my thoughts tend to go "Oh poor J. If they get kicked out he'll lose all his possessions." etc. etc. A couple of times recently, driving along, there've been homes where tons of possessions have been at the end of the lane & my mind goes to J losing all his stuff. I think a big challenge for me right now is to yank my mind away from thinking about him at ALL & that is very hard for me. I hope those books will help. The totally ironic thing is that on an intellectual level, I KNOW about letting him 'hit bottom' etc. I went to CoDependents Anonymous for 4 years (a 12-step program). Unfortunately, it is no longer happening, so that's not an option.**********> If the rent check bounces, it is not your responsiblity to provide them with a place to live. It seems like we all have to learn the hard way. Some of us take longer to learn lessons than others, and some have to hit bottom a lot harder before realizing all we have to do is make better choices to live a better life. You can't MAKE him want a better life. That choice is his and his alone.
******** thank you for the above "You can't MAKE him want a better life." I'm going to write that BIG & set it where I'll see it, because it's true, isn't it! That is what this is about I guess. All the things you've pointed out are true & good for me to hear.******
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> I used to obsess over what it was that I needed to change or do to fix everything for everybody. The harder I tried, the less respect I was shown and the less respect I had for myself. Once I learned it was not my job (and oh my gosh, how freeing is THAT!) to fix the world (or at least my world), the letting go came naturally. If someone doesn't like the way I do something (like a realative not liking the way I raise my kids), that's ok. They don't have to. At one point, I would have driven myself crazy, felt there was something wrong with me or my child-raising, and probably tried to find a way to smooth things out between the differences of opinion. Now that I have adjusted my thinking, I am able to hear their suggestions, take them for what they're worth, ignore them as needed and move on.
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> I hope me reply has helped you find some perspective. You really are not alone!
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*******Thanks Teresa - this has been very valuable for me. It's quite possible that I might pop in & 'debrief' etc as needed over the next while. This is extremely hard for me & I know it's both an important AND necessary change for me to make.Thanks for your support. :-) Kath**********
poster:Kath
thread:646542
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060521/msgs/646650.html