Posted by madeline on May 7, 2006, at 9:30:15
In reply to Re: I see it more as moving with instead of on. » madeline, posted by corafree on May 6, 2006, at 21:22:38
Cora,
I'm using the old fashioned psychodynamic talk therapy. I go in 1 - 2 times a week. It's tough and it's expensive, but insurance picks up some of it. Does SSD or medicare/medicaid have provisions for therapy? I don't know. But maybe they can help you. Also, some therapists work on sliding scales.
I decided to leverage whatever assets I had, use whatever resources were available to me and squawk and yell until I got into a situation that was workable for me. And that's what it took for me, a willingness to assume some control over my recovery, and my life.
When I was therapist "shopping", there were days when I just wanted to just die. I felt so at the mercy of everything around me. There was a constant series of "No, I can't see you" and "No we can't help you." You know what I did? I asked myself "what would a person who was in control do?" I totally faked it, until I felt it, I still do that sometimes.
Also, one of the biggest parts of my "recovery" has been acknowledging my grief - grieving over what happened to me and everything I should have had but was taken from me through no fault of my own. I think you have to allow yourself that grief and not view it as "wallowing in self-pity". Our lives have not been fair to us. The time we spend grieving is individual to us. But it sounds as though you are trying to move into a phase past the grieving. Are you sure you are ready?
Now, add to that the element of physical pain on top of emotional pain. One of my assaults resulted in a me having a dislocated and broken hip. My hip socket was shattered. I know what chronic pain is and how it can erode your spirit. It is a constant reminder of the badness isn't it?.
Like emotional hurt, physical hurt is always with me. I still walk with a significant limp. But I've learned that physical pain can be brought under our control as well. It helped me to understand, I mean really understand that I was never going to be pain free. I could let that physical pain rule my life, or I could deal with it. First, I established a pharmacological pain control regimen that reduced the pain somewhat. Second, when the pain does come (and it always does), I relax against it. Allow it to wash over me, and focus on breathing. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I don't. But I give myself the time I need to regain control. Then I live my life with the pain.
I think both physical pain and emotional grief can be overcome. And for me, it hinges on recognizing that I am in control now. As my therapist says "I am the active agent in my life now". I still carry all of the badness with me, but I'm not going to let it carry me.
Now, I'm not saying that the path I took is the one you should travel down, obviously, I don't know all of the specifics of your situation. Just whatever you do, don't give up and don't give in to the hopelessness. It's not the only way.
poster:madeline
thread:640528
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060503/msgs/640917.html