Posted by special_k on April 10, 2006, at 6:09:04
In reply to Re: Alternatives to hugs (long), posted by special_k on April 10, 2006, at 5:40:44
actually, the 'arms length' thing is interesting to me. sometimes i think of therapy like that. and irl relationships more generally.
it is like i am standing there (with my head down because the eye contact thing freaks me out) actually... my mother used to look me in the eyes when she was hitting me... but back to the story...
it is like i am standing there... and the therapist or other person or whatever is standing in front of me with their hands on my shoulders. and sometimes i want to pull them closer... and their arms are there to keep me at arms length. they aren't pushing me away it isn't that they want me to get the hell away from them it is just that they retain their distance by keeping me - at arms length. and sometimes i want to push them away. and they just keep their hands on my shoulders and i can't push them away either.
because i do push and pull... i do.
but the boundaries... the arms length thing is better. because eventually... i feel safe (they aren't going to encroach or piss off) and then i can relax and just be me and i don't have to worry so much about them. about what they are up to. but sometimes it is hard to accept the arms length thing. to believe it. and so you have to try things out just to see... but the arms length thing can be great. terrific. to just accept it. i think that is what people need. and sometimes people don't get enough of that.
it reminds me of something else (which is probably only tangentially related). one day in DBT group we had these eggs (i think i've talked about it before). and we were told that the mindfulness exercise was to try and balance our egg on the table.
so people tried to balance it on its end (to no avail). i just put mine on the table.
apparantly they wrote me up as 'refusing to participate' that day. sigh.
my point was...
why fight so hard against gravity?
look...
it is balanced.
just accept that it is balanced
and you won't try changing something that is only going to resist you.
work with it instead.that was the trouble with DBT skills trainers IMO (where i was doing DBT). not many t's really grasp that. just accept it for what it is.
i think that about the arms length thing...
sometimes we try and change it.
but sometimes we just need to accept relationships for what they are
no better no worse
they just are as they are
and that is okay.and there is security in that too.
in fact... maybe more so...
but yeah... i guess you gotta push and pull a little to really feel the security.
like you maybe gotta fight gravity for a while before deciding it might be an idea to work with it.
you can learn vicariously too...
heh heh.
poster:special_k
thread:626334
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060406/msgs/631312.html