Posted by special_k on March 25, 2006, at 18:31:15
In reply to I kind of hate to say this » special_k, posted by Dinah on March 25, 2006, at 11:03:20
Hey. I think... People are okay. Really. They are okay. It is just that when I get anxious... Case in point... Went out Friday night. That is normal. Few drinks after work then dinner. I was going to go home after that 'cause I've been fighting off this throat infection thing. But some people were keen to play pool so I ended up going along with that. And I was on water so that was okay. Then they wanted to go to this other bar for a drink. So I thought I'd go for just one... Then after a while we went to this other place... And I really liked the music and dancing and stuff (though I was hanging out for some drugs)...
And I probably opened my mouth about that a little more than I should to someone I don't know all that well (oops but then to be fair people seemed to be doing that all night) And of course I don't want to get back into that I don't I don't I don't.
And I guess people just started leaving... So I found myself and two others at the end and they had something else to go to and so I had to walk home by myself. If I new my way I'd feel a lot better about that... But I managed to find the landmark and a couple cops confirmed I was going in the right direction so it really wasn't so bad. But I realised... I've always been waiting for someone to leave who was headed my direction so I could find my way back. Anxiety around that. But what is the big deal? I have a cellphone and can call a cab worst case? So didn't get back till 6am then posted (oops) then slept... Then woke up feeling much the same... Actually no dammit I was in a very bad way. And I was meant to go to a party last night but managed to get myself all worked up in such a state... Why didn't I want to go? I didn't know where it was. So why didn't I call a cab? SIgh. And then there was this other anxious stuff too about them not really wanting me to go - boy oh boy do I get paranoid about that quite a lot - I don't know what is wrong with me... How pathetic am I... Anyway last night my phone starts going... And I see I've missed a few messages... And I ignore it and near the end about 5 different people rang me to... probably ask why I wasn' there or to offer me a ride or somthing. Or maybe check to see whether I made it home the night before lol. But I was so upset I couldn't answer and just turned the phone off. So you see... It isn't really them... They are okay really. It is me. It is me :-( And the trouble is that while 'rationally' I know I shuold just pick up the damned phone and say I am just about to jump in the shower and where the hell is this place? (In hindsight anyways) Emotionally I just burst into tears and couldn't face the situaiton.
Alchohol. Isn't any good for me. But really... It is about moderating the drinking. And leaving maybe midnight at the latest. 5am. Damn. But I get this stuff going on every now an dthen with stress anyways. But yeah to be fair the alchohol probably wasn't helpling :-(
SO I'm working on my story :-( I had a headache sounds so lame (and we were having a chat about psychosomatic illness the night before anyways)... But they know I"ve been fighting off this throat thing... And I've told them befor ethat my phone does have this unfortunate habit of turning itself off (which it does) And so I'm thinking I'll stay away today... And I'll maybe go to the doctor on Monday morning (to get some antibiotics for my throat and maybe have a chat about my anxitey and which kindsa meds might help and what i'm supposed to do about psych services in this damned country anyways just in case worst comes to worst... I mean can I access crisis services or what? How about community respite housing? etc etc...) my doc from nz told me to do that anyways...
And then I'll tell them that I was feeling really bad and yeah didn't get home till 6am and slept and slept and woke up with a headache and slept some more. And I didn't see their messages cause my phone was off...
How terrible is that? and will they think I hate them?
i hate me I do. I do.. WHy does it have to be like this? ANd amongst all this I really have to get working... I do...
poster:special_k
thread:623978
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060324/msgs/624586.html