Posted by Tamar on December 28, 2005, at 19:48:54
In reply to How I really feel (rant), posted by James K on December 28, 2005, at 18:20:46
Hello James,
Your frustration and anger come across in your post, and I can understand that you’re angry if you feel that meds and therapy haven’t helped enough. Anger can be a strong motivating force, but it also takes up a lot of energy that you might find better directed positively rather than negatively (does that make sense?).
I think the most significant sentence in your post is:
> I have to do something to help myself or I'm not going to make it.I agree, but you have to believe you’re worth it. And I wonder if you are directing a lot of anger against yourself when in fact you have been deeply hurt and perhaps your anger would be better directed against the people or situations that have hurt you. Can you imagine that you didn’t deserve the pain you’ve suffered?
> I've never felt like doing anything to help myself such as - stay sober, take my meds, see a counselor. I want it all my way and I want it to work. I'm never going to voluntarily go into a psych ward again. And I'm not going to take most of this "medicine" for much longer. And I'm tired of crying about this thing and that thing.
It is very frustrating, isn’t it? It can take a long time, so be gentle with yourself. Don’t be too hard on yourself. We all have our weaknesses, no matter how much we’d like to be superhuman.
> If some people didn't care deeply about me, I wouldn't even be here today. I can't let them down so I carry on, but I have to find a way to want it for myself. I have 2 days of out-patient left in this year, then financially it is over. I'm not letting my wife pay for it anymore when I should and could be working.
It’s great that you have people in your life who care deeply about you. I’m sure they want to support you. You say you should and could be working, but sometimes people need time to get better. And sometimes you really need to concentrate on that, so that you will be able to work once you really are well enough. Don’t minimise your illness; take it seriously.
> So I'm somehow going to think myself well. I doubt it. All my sadness fear and confusion turn to anger. That's my way of dealing and it makes me tired and sick.
Anger can feel stronger than sadness and fear. But it takes a special kind of strength of character to acknowledge your sadness and fear. You know the sadness and fear are there, so you know you have that strength of character. Good for you.
> I need help, I've just never found it or been willing to work for it. I'm at a crossroads in life and it sucks.
You need to believe that you deserve it and that you can be helped. I think perhaps you need to identify a vulnerable part of yourself that you want to take care of. If you deny your vulnerability you won’t be able to accept help. But if you can see yourself as someone who needs and deserves help, maybe you’ll be able to accept the help that’s available to you.
> sorry for angry tone, I'm venting online I guessVenting is good. Keep venting. And be kind to yourself. I hope things get easier for you.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:592844
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20051225/msgs/592875.html