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How I really feel (rant)

Posted by James K on December 28, 2005, at 18:20:46

Hello, I've been lurking for a short while, and recently began putting in my 2 cents worth here and there. I feel like I'm coming on like I really know something about something and I just want to clear up that all of my opinions and knowledge come from a life long history of depression and substance abuse, and a 14 year history of poor recovery. The thread on Psychobabble about stopping meds got me to thinking about how much I hate meds. and therapy.
I've been on so many different meds and quit everyone. Some have been pulled off the market for dangers. The pharmeceutical companies and the FDA in this country are corrupt and they are conducting an experiment on this whole nation and we wont know the results for many years.

The problem for me is - I've really hurt myself through anger and depression. Many times, very badly. I have to do something to help myself or I'm not going to make it. I've never felt like doing anything to help myself such as - stay sober, take my meds, see a counselor. I want it all my way and I want it to work. I'm never going to voluntarily go into a psych ward again. And I'm not going to take most of this "medicine" for much longer. And I'm tired of crying about this thing and that thing.

If some people didn't care deeply about me, I wouldn't even be here today. I can't let them down so I carry on, but I have to find a way to want it for myself. I have 2 days of out-patient left in this year, then financially it is over. I'm not letting my wife pay for it anymore when I should and could be working.

So I'm somehow going to think myself well. I doubt it. All my sadness fear and confusion turn to anger. That's my way of dealing and it makes me tired and sick.

I need help, I've just never found it or been willing to work for it. I'm at a crossroads in life and it sucks.

sorry for angry tone, I'm venting online I guess


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poster:James K thread:592844
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20051225/msgs/592844.html