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Re: ((((((((((Susan47)))))))))) » sunny10

Posted by Tamar on April 13, 2005, at 14:13:22

In reply to Re: ((((((((((Susan47)))))))))), posted by sunny10 on April 13, 2005, at 13:09:06


(((((Sunny)))))

This must be very difficult for you. It’s hard to know what to do for the best.

I’ve had some professional experience of working with women whose husbands hit them, and I’ve also had personal experience of domestic violence. Unfortunately, it seems that one episode of violence leads inevitably to another. There’s a common pattern: after the first episode of violence, the violent partner is very sorry indeed, but being sorry doesn’t prevent another violent incident. The violence happens again, and again, despite the promises that it will stop. And eventually the violent partner stops apologising and starts blaming the abused partner for the abuse, and the abused partner feels ashamed and guilty and too insecure to leave... I’m sure you’ve heard similar stories.

I would strongly suggest that living separately is a good idea at the moment. I think couples counselling is also a good idea, but I think that he will need to do individual therapy or counselling if he wants to overcome his violent behaviour. It is a good sign that he acknowledges his alcohol problem and his violence – he can only change his behaviour if he acknowledges it honestly. But that is only the first step.

I think you are right – love is not enough for the long haul. But if he does love you, he will invest every effort in trying to change his behaviour and then he will be able to treat you with the respect you deserve. And maybe that will be enough for the long haul.

I hope things will begin to get better for you soon.

Tamar



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