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Re: Tamar and GG (long)

Posted by sunny10 on April 14, 2005, at 8:57:11

In reply to Re: Tamar » sunny10, posted by Tamar on April 13, 2005, at 17:42:57

either he feels "we" are worth the work or he doesn't...

and, gg, I will be devastated whether he quits individual counselling or couples counselling...

Let's be completely honest here- I know that there is a HUGE chance that none of what he says will actually occur. I realize very well (hence the fear and anxiety) that he may crush my heart all over again. But to not be brave enough to give him a chance to make good on his promises means that I have not managed to grow in my 20 yrs of off and on therapy.

I went to therapy because I freak out, run away, hide, isolate, and become suicidal when I am afraid because my father emotionally and physically abused me when I was growing up. I am perpetually stuck in the reactions of a 9 yr old girl whose father is three times bigger and hurts me.

So my usual response is fear- nowhere to go (depression crashes in and takes my options away)- so I attempt suicide- and never see/live with that person who hurt me/scared me again after getting out of the mental health facility. I never gave a second chance- even if I was wrong, too.

This time, when a silly argument turned into him grabbing my by the neck from behind(like one of those wrestling holds- left arm squeezed around my neck, using the right hand to squeeze it tighter) and I started getting those little white lights dancing around the edges of my vision, I was scared. But I managed to rationally suggest switching rooms with his friend (who had met us there and was in a single)- my suggestion was rejected. I went to the hotel lobby and politely requested that the night bellhop call me a taxi to the airport. I got to the airport and it was closed (did anyone else know that the airport closes until 5:00 am in New Orleans?). I managed to find the customer service number for the airline. I switched my flight to the first flight time on my cell phone. I sat up all night in an uncomfortable chair, waiting for 7:00 am when the plane would take me home.

Okay, so I was in shock; shaking, exhausted, crying, and panicking that he would "come get me" while I was waiting through the night... I was so scared that I became absolutely convinced that he would be even more enraged that I left (making him look bad in front of his friend) and that he would follow me home and use his gun to kill me. His mother called me the following morning (he had not attempted to do so). She told me that he told her that I "just freaked out while we were having an argument and left." That he didn't know where I was, that he was scared that something might have happened to me... blah, blah, blah...basically he was giving her the "we all know she's been crazy before- now she's gone and done it again" routine. But I managed to keep myself safe and do what I had to do without a suicide attempt. I have learned SOMETHING.

I would like to think that I, too, can go to anger management classes and learn how to effectively manage my anger (stop stuffing it way down inside until it just erupts and the arguments become every little thing this person has done to me EVER... I know that I push a lot of buttons doing this.) I am not for ONE SECOND taking any blame for someone else resorting to violence whether or not I pushed their buttons. I was wrong- not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign kind of wrong.... He was drunk driving and killing a bus of school children wrong!

So there you have it... yes, I am aware that I may be hurt again- in terms of heartache. But there's always that chance, isn't there? That's the real lesson that I have to improve my grade on... that life is never sure... that a little fear is sometimes healthy (and to listen to it, but rationally). And I am well aware that I am able to be this calm right now because I don't happen to be in an active Major Depressive cycle at the moment- and getting approved for the new apartment doesn't hurt, either!!!

As I said... either "we" are worth it or we're not. And when it gets hard, we'll see what wins out- pride or love. Because that's what working as a couple comes down to; compromise. We'll see if the love is strong enough for some compromises...


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