Posted by Impermanence on March 9, 2005, at 13:13:10
In reply to Re: Why death is an option for me, posted by Shy_Girl on March 9, 2005, at 8:43:28
I can see some similarities between yourself and myself. I also think like you do, I think!! I don't see any problem with suicide apart from the misery you leave behind you with those that love you, that alone is reason enough not to kill yourself untill you really are homeless with nobody left. The moral and religious issues as any intelligent rational people understand are nothing more than man made philosophies. There is no right or wrong other than what society has decided is right or wrong and good or evil. Most haven't even decided, they've just let themselves become programmed, brainwashed robots, although I do understand it's extremely difficult for most to step outside of the box and see beyond what they've been programmed to believe from birth.
I've been through four serious suicide attempts over the last four years, they were all while blind drunk but I have spent countless sober hours dreaming of having a bottle of barbiturates to switch off my consciousness permanently, not because I was in pain (although the last eight years of my life have been a roller coaster of anxiety, depression and addiction) but more because I was just fed up with the game of life. I was tired. I could see a bright future, I was pretty happy with things although I was only existing and not living. I could see through the illusions everybody else is cought up in. I diden't want and still don't really want the hassle of job's, relationships, holidays, friends, bla bla bla. The whole EGO game. Everything just seemed and still seems trivial and meaningless, a waste of energy. But with all that I still Love reading and learning. I get a hard on reading up on astrology, chemistry, physics, technology, history, politics, conspiracies. I Love to make music in my bedroom studio. I Love movies, music, games all kinds of art. I sit in wonder at the chaos and beauty of the universe. I see perfection in a childs eyes. I really enjoy my drugs but yet I just coulden't care less if I died tomorrow (although lately I woulden't kill myself so easily, well not while sober anyway but I'm off the booze). I guess in many ways it was and is excepting defeat even though my mental problems have really just about gone. Getting old before I've even lived. It's so easy just to to let yourself and your ambition die.
Over the years I've become very spiritually aware (and I don't mean religious, I have no time for that crap) I guess I mean wise. I meditate, read a lot of "out there" philosophy and take alot of time out to try to understand consciousness. The deeper I look the more amazing it all gets. It still may all be just random chaos but when you look at the big picture, my God what a f**king trip life is. What a waste it would be for you too end it all by your own hand at the tender age of 23 when you haven't even had a chance to find yourself and try to make some sence of it all. I'm 25 now and I can tell you I've learned soooooooo much in these last two years alone, in fact more in these last two years than in the previous 10!!!!
Anxiety levels for me two years ago where hell, now there hardly there. Antidepressants, exercise, meditation, growing up ect really do change things over time. Talking can help too although I find talking trivial, I'm too easy going these days to let things bother me. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's O.K. to commit suicide, but it's crazy to do it so early in your life. Give yourself time, a lot of time before you make a decision that you can never ever go back on. Life may suck right now but you have to admit it's pretty incredible too. The gift of sight, hearing, smell, taste and feeling!!! You are an amazing living organism, your mind is the most powerful computer on the planet. You have the power within you to change the world, make sombody else smile. You have the ability to become enlightened if you choose, as the Buddha said, everybody is God, if they could only see it in themselves.The way I look at it now is I'm on a journey, it's not easy but I'm not going to go very hard on myself lol. When things get hard I've got drugs to make it easier, thats what their there for regardless of what the duller masses say and I've always got the option of suicide, nobody can take that away from me. I'm going to live my life my way and understand the world appears how I perceive it. The glass is now half full, not half empty. I don't like how things and people have gone but I "choose" not to let it get to me. There's loads of lifestyles and ways of thinking you can try before you end it all. I'm thinking about becoming a psychedelic shaman lol, leaving this bulls**t western world and getting in touch with nature, using mind altering plants to open up all levels of my consciousness. See what I find, it could be the key to understanding everything, what else is out there in the universe??? Sounds more fun than neverending nothingness (death). Then when I get bored of it all at 67 I can shoot myself in the head like Hunter S. Thompson did last week.
Give it time hun, you owe yourself that much. Don't let your ego mind make a decision your true self would never conceive of. Find your true self.
Peace. xxx
poster:Impermanence
thread:468490
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050305/msgs/468767.html