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Re: My life a total waste... What I used to feel...

Posted by just plain jane on January 26, 2005, at 19:32:55

In reply to Re: My life a total waste... What I used to feel... » 64bowtie, posted by Angel Girl on January 25, 2005, at 15:41:27

<Maybe it's because I don't feel wanted and loved in life. I'm all alone, I have no partner, I did but he left me, he rejected me. Maybe if somebody could be here in a tangible way and love me the way I need to be loved, then maybe I could start to love myself.

<<<This reasoning is, to me, backward. I don't believe one can share their love with someone else, nor share the love offered them, until one is comfortable with loving one's self.

<<<I think you'll have to shed your ideas of love being dependent on someone else. Far as i know, it isn't. It is entirely dependent on you. It's whether or not you choose to open your heart, even to yourself. 'Cause it seems to me you can't share something unless you are willing to paricipate in it. Loving yourself is where it starts.

>I guess if nobody else can love me, then why should I? I think IF I can work on the total lack of self-esteem, then maybe, just maybe I'll self-destruct a little less?

<<<Self-esteem is not available to someone who does not consider themself to be worthy even of their own love. And how can someone else love you if you do not consider yoursef to be worthy of your own love?

There's a lot of mental/emotional work in examining our own behavior and motivations. Perhaps it seems easier to count on someone else to love you and they can make you feel better. It doesn't work that way.

Try being as objective as possible about yourself. Treat yourself like a dear friend who has all these problems, and you know how it feels, so you want to help her. And then do it, help her. Drag her out of what appears to be a pit of self-pity, wipe her down, hose her off, dry her ears out and get her on track for herself. Help her see that trying to live in yesterday is futile. Yesterday is long gone. Help her see that if looking forward hopelessly can be self-fullfilling, BUT...so can looking forward hopeFULLY. And help her see that you care about her enough to stand by her through the toughness of becoming stronger and learning to dispose of all the useless junk in her head that she keeps letting weigh her down.

Once that cr@p is tossed out, she'll be able to see much more clearly, breathe more easily, feel good things and know she deserves them, look to the future and not have that garbage blocking her vision.

It's not as hard as it seems, it's just scary. Letting go of what we've clung to for so long is frightening, but if it is not something we need, why cling to it? Let it fall away, let yourself find out how good life can feel.

The scary, to me, was the fear of seeing myself. Of allowing me to accept myself for who i am. And I'm a pretty decent person, when I'm not portraying a braying jackass. OK, even then. I knew it inside all along, or I never would have beat myself up. The me that was doing the beating was trying to pound the shyt out of the me who cares so much, who has such compassion and empathy, so openly shares of herself. Now, why did I hate her so much???

I think because being her DID feel very good, and I still held onto the b.s. of the past telling me I didn't deserve to feel so good.

Well, anyway, if it were a friend treating him/herself the way I treated me, I *would* do my best to help them get their head out of the dark place.

I had mine in the dark place for thirty-three years. Did horrible things to and with myself. things which cause most people to shudder, because i was determined i had to continue on the path of self-destruction.

I simply had piled up so much shyt in my way psychologically and refused to part with it, even though it was trash, because it was what I had allowed myself to become conditioned to believe.

If I thought my shyt-shovel would work for you, I would send it your way, but, alas, it is mine and mine alone. kept handy for the new shyt I pick up along the way.

Lordy, me.
I have rambled.
Hope at least some of it makes the sense to you it did to me.

just plain hopeful jane

hee
haw


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