Posted by Angel Girl on January 25, 2005, at 15:41:27
In reply to My life a total waste... What I used to feel... » Angel Girl, posted by 64bowtie on January 25, 2005, at 12:16:24
bowtie
I'm impressed with your self-realization. However; I'm a looooooooong way from self-acceptance and self-love. Right now, I'd say I'm probably in the self-loathing and self-hate stage. Which one do you think is worse? Well, that's the one I'm in. I SINCERELY HATE MYSELF WITH A PASSION. I feel like I'm only a burden and major inconvenience to those in my life. I have a long way to go, I'm afraid. I've perfected this self hatred. Self-destruction is another thing that I've done for years. I know I'm doing self-destructing behaviour but somehow I just keep going. Any *normal* person would stop in their tracks but no, not me, I just keep truckin' along sabotaging the very things that I claim to want. I don't even know why I do it. Do I feel I don't deserve them? Not sure. Maybe. Maybe it's because I don't feel wanted and loved in life. I'm all alone, I have no partner, I did but he left me, he rejected me. Maybe if somebody could be here in a tangible way and love me the way I need to be loved, then maybe I could start to love myself. I guess if nobody else can love me, then why should I? I think IF I can work on the total lack of self-esteem, then maybe, just maybe I'll self-destruct a little less? I think in a way, I've come to accept where my life is now but it doesn't stop me from thinking about all those wasted years but OTOH, it doesn't motivate me to change either. If I hate that I've wasted so much of my life that I can't get back, then why can't I motivate myself to change the path that I'm headed in.
There's a saying that you are where you're supposed to be at this point in your life, or something to that effect. If that's true then I wonder why God has wasted this life of mine when he could've given it to someone who would've used it much better. Somebody is missing out because I'm just taking up wasted space. That makes me feel guilty.
AG
poster:Angel Girl
thread:447325
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050123/msgs/447541.html