Posted by Tootercat on June 25, 2004, at 10:01:57
Hello all, I have been rather absent from this place both in body and spirit. I am wrapped in a cocoon right now in my brain.
I have called in sick all this week and don't know if I will hear a "lecture" when I get back and frankly I don't care.
I am so tired of loss. And this time, even though my T says and my friends and family say, it wasn't my "fault" I caused my own pain. My darling little birdy Skyler is gone. He brought so much joy into my days. I took him with me to see my sweetheart and although I had taken him before I guess I hadn't really gotten a safety pattern set up. He was on my finger and Terry was going out to move the sprinkler....In disbelief I watched as he flew to Terry and out the door. I miraculously found him 15 hours later in a tree 2 streets away....but he wouldn't come to me...all the bonding for the past 2-1/2 years seemed non-existent as he flew away once again. I have put ad in the big paper up there ( I live 80 miles away) and we put posters up and I have called Animal Care places and SPCA to see if anyone has brought him in.
I am sick. I can't eat again. I am walking around in circles and don't feel safe. I need to clean my house and go to the store and am afraid to feel joy at anything. I went to the place where I got Skyler and have a baby birdy so that I don't go completely insane...he (or she - I won't know for 6 months which) is adorable and very affectionate and I am giving him lots of love. It is bittersweet. I can't stop wondering how my other baby is. The thought of being responsible for him being scared or in danger torments me. I have visions of him being cold and hungry. I realize that he could be just fine too...but my brain keeps focusing on the negative. I feel guilty having any joy right now and don't know how to stop punishing myself. Some have told me to equate his leaving with having a child leaving home to go out on their own....that's fine except if it had been a child I could have at least warned him about the dangers and he could call to tell me he's fine....I don't have any human children; they are all furred or feathered but they are my beloved children nonetheless. I feel so lost and unsafe right now.....and so very very sad.
I intellectually know that things will get "better" and the pain will lessen over time and the human ability to have hope will return but right now I have little faith...which is why I am afraid to leave my house for any period of time - again.
I feel very needy and selfish.
I want to feel safe again....
poster:Tootercat
thread:360196
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040619/msgs/360196.html