Posted by Racer on June 15, 2004, at 10:43:35
In reply to Re: Pfin? » Dr. Bob, posted by Pfinstegg on June 14, 2004, at 21:05:42
Ever since reading a few books by Sharyn McCrumb, I've wanted to visit Appalachia. It does sound lovely, and a fascinating area, both presently and historically. (And trust me to get that sort of enthusiasm from a murder mystery.)
Horse are a major trigger for me right now. Yes, I still own horses -- neglected in pasture, my husband is making arrangements to get rid of them, because there's no sign of recovery coming for me, and the guilt about them is eating me up. Not only am I having major trouble leaving the house for any reason, I'm way too unstable emotionally to try to work with them. One I'd just ruin, by not being able to work effectively, but another would be actively dangerous for me right now. We feed off one another's energy so much -- often a good thing, you know -- and my anxiety level combined with his reactivity would be a very dangerous combination, especially since I've lost so much weight and strength. These are my last horses, especially since I can't rely on being stable enough to take care of them adequately, you know? Imagine, if you will, what that means to me.
Add to it: once I'm back on anti-depressants, I can look forward to gaining more than half my current body weight. Think of what that sort of weight gain means to their backs? Think of what the lethargy does to my ability to deal with hot little terrorbreds? Getting them out of my life feels like admitting there's no chance of me living a normal life, but I think the time has come to give up on ever having my life back. Gee, I wonder why I've been so very, very bad for the last few weeks? (Then multiply it by the whole Dr EyeCandy situation. Can you see why I get to that "why bother to try" place?)
I'd love to be able to go someplace like that to hike. Either someplace. Being trapped in the heart of Silicon Valley, on a downtown block that I hate, seeing all the artificial anti-life around me just eats at my soul. My husband has finally said that, as soon as we can manage it, we will try to get out of here. This is where he wanted to be, and I thought I could adapt. I was obviously wrong.
So, horses are not entirely in my past, but are nearly so. And I envy you your hiking trips. Thank you for telling me about them. It gives me a chance to experience it a bit vicariously.
poster:Racer
thread:356744
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040611/msgs/356885.html