Posted by SandyWeb on May 16, 2004, at 20:32:47
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on May 15, 2004, at 22:28:13
You're a sweetie and I appreciate all the love notes you've sent, but I don't think you quite understand. I can't tell you how much it means to have someone in your corner, but....you keep mentioning about when I get through this and how much better it will be. But you know what? This IS it. I'm really horrible at trying to explain things, but I'll try.
Here I am at halfway through my life, and I don't have anything to show for it. The first 39 years have been filled with a lot of nasty and quite traumatic experiences, but.....there was always the future. There was always the knowledge that everything I was learning along the way would be used for a better purpose when I reached the goal. There was hope. There was that "something" to keep fighting towards. And so you could throw as much junk at me as you wanted, and I was going to survive....simply because there was a goal to reach....and all that junk would make me a better person when I got to the goal.....and all that junk would make me stronger in order to give back to others when I reached that goal.....
And the "goal" didn't necessarily have to be nursing. That felt right after SwissAir. It fulfilled the goal. It was a means to give back, and I could utilize everything I'd experienced with the wide varity of patients I'd encounter. But it could have just as well been social work or probation officer. I was meant to be the "good guy", you know? Why else would I see so much badness, other than to turn that around and help others?
So each new experience was not necessarily welcomed (lol!), but it certainly wasn't going to destroy me. There was a reason for me to see this or go through that. It would enable me to have a better understanding of a particular patient.
But now I'm at the halfway point....and I've lost it all. There are no more funds for ANY type of education. I have a ton of university courses under my belt....but no degree. And....that's the end of that. It's not like I can save up for it. Ha! That part of my life is over. So I can't work in any field that I thought I was supposed to be in. My experiences are for nil.
I can't afford this apartment anymore. In fact, here we are at May 16th, and I still haven't paid the rent and don't even have a notion as to when to expect any money. I did finally turn in the appeal, but.....who knows?
The police horse is now in the city, and Carly will be able to start helping with him soon. But....we can't live here anymore. So, I'll have to take this away from her and she is sooo excited to work with Justice.
I didn't pay one bill last month, just so we could have groceries. Groceries are gone now, no money, and bills are due again.
What job can I get? I could be a chamber maid. I suppose I could be a cashier. And do you really think I'm going to work my butt off for the next 39 years, doing something that feels like death?? I might as well take death, you know.
It's just not like this is a funk that I'm going to get out of. This IS my life now. I have to accept that. And you know what? I CAN'T. I just can't believe that this is my life. I can't believe that. I mean, I fought for so long to get to this point.....and now it's over. I've lost it all. There's no getting over this little slump. It's not like I have to weather through this depression. There's nothing on the other side. I fought, and I lost. I can't do another 39 years without that "goal". And the "goal" is never coming back. I am so incredibly sad. And there's no way around it because....well, I guess because the fight is over. I lost it all. I really can't stand this.
You know, I took another overdose a couple of nights ago. I've had such luck with those! *sigh* But this time I was zapping in the head, and my legs were buckling, and I felt like I was going to have seizure after seizure. And guess what? I just end up sleeping it off for a couple of days. You have no idea the "disappointment" that I felt to wake up to this same old life. The soul fights hard to stick around, doesn't it? I wonder why.
Anyways, I just wanted to TRY to explain this to you. I really do love you for cheerleading me on. *smile* And I'm happy that you made it through your own dark night. But I've lost my purpose, you know? I am who I am......which isn't much, believe me.....and not who I thought I was supposed to be. What was the point of everything then? I really don't want to die. Belive me, I've come through enough crap to know that I deserve to be here. *smile* And I know that my heart wants to be there for others....because sometimes that's all it takes....someone who gets it. And life IS worth living. But.....there's noplace else for me to go. I've run out of options. I can't spend the second half of my life receiving welfare and watching tv. And I don't have an education. One cop said that there certainly was a place for me because of all of the things I'd been through.....but did he tell me what that place was? I have no where to go. I can't find any answers.
Maybe I'll check out Open later tonight.
Take care. You've stuck by me for longer than was necessary. Thanks, Jlynne.