Posted by Scott in Vermont on May 3, 2004, at 11:06:00
In reply to Am I better or is this an illusion?, posted by rainyday on May 3, 2004, at 9:10:13
I know that feeling, rainyday. The feeling where you're actually afraid to not be afraid, afraid to trust something good, afraid to feel "better" today because you know it'll just mean that much further to fall tomorrow when you "crash back to normal".
It's a horrible feeling, and it takes the enjoyment out of whatever respite you have right now. Instead of feeling bad about feeling bad, you're feeling bad about feeling good because "good" holds promise that is taken away from you, while "bad" is what it is. "Bad" can become "worse", but at least "bad" is known, is mostly safe, and holds no false promises of hope or happiness.
I truly do know how that feels.
My advice is to embrace whatever good comes your way, and to hold on to it when it gets dark again. Small embers of hope, tiny shards of light... take from today what you can and keep with you. I know, it's a lot of words. It's hard to "live" it. I was given those words many times by people who cared for me, and I'll be honest... those words didn't mean anything to me until I stopped being afraid of hope.
I always felt "punished" for having hope, because I would have a good day, I would feel better, I would embrace it and think that maybe I was out of the woods... and then *SLAM* back into the darkness, now with the additional hurt of having lost hope again.
It's a difficult place to be. Some people totally do not get it, and cannot understand that some days it's actually easier to live in the relative comfort and normalcy of "bad", because at least it is the same thing over and over. "Good" also meant change, upheaval... a stress in itself.
I truly hope you can take something good and positive from today and keep it.
-Scott
poster:Scott in Vermont
thread:342769
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040430/msgs/342801.html