Posted by Larry Hoover on December 23, 2003, at 8:38:20
In reply to Re: please be civil, posted by Jai Narayan on December 23, 2003, at 7:14:55
> As for my part in this sad and downward spiraling communication. I will gladly stop and ponder what I thought I was doing. I admit I lost sight of civility. This reminds me of a good luck/ bad luck story. Sorry to all and definately Larry Hoover and Tabitha. I will post no more about this topic and I must say I have to be very soul searching about my communication with Larry Hoover. I am amazed at how badly all that went.
> If I ever post to you Larry again it will *only* be supportive, I will *never* try to point anything out again....as I have failed miserably in this attempt. I only ended up hurting Larry which was not my wish.
> This is the first board I have ever posted to and I am afraid I am having to learn everything the hard way.
> Don't be too nice...don't be to critical....be in the middle. I am walking down that balance beam.
>
> Jai NarayanI'm thinking you still don't understand what got under my skin so much....
Look at each message again, please, those between us....
You will not see me saying anything about you, in the sense of you're doing this wrong or that wrong. I'm saying please don't use judgmental language on me.
The problems we have are the result of you saying, in so many words, what I'm doing wrong.
That is a boundary violation. I do not like having words put in my mouth, or being told my motives are not up to snuff, or generally being told how I don't measure up. And, I spent some time rejecting those ideas. But I did not label you in the process.
Frankly, I think the good doctor is off the mark in his determination of what is civil. I don't think mentioning an unpleasant topic is inherently incivil, e.g. using the word insult. However, I digress.....
It's fine to believe something very different from another poster, and to express that difference in belief or opinion, but it needs to come in the form of "I statements"....e.g. "When I see a posting like Tabitha's, I think she would be looking for empathy, not advice." Contrast that sentence with what you said to me.
Despite whatever you might think about me, I put a lot into every post I send (except those where I'm being goofy, and I think those are obvious). I carefully select every word, and sometimes I'm feeling literal fear when I hit the send button.....not because I'm afraid I'll be taken wrong, or might say the wrong thing, but because I've put so much of me into it. You used the phrase "pearls of wisdom"....just as a thematic concept.
I got this in an email yesterday.
"Oh, another thing - I can't imagine a greater gift than 'being told you give mixed messages and have mutually incompatible thought clusters coming from you.' How often does someone make the effort to invest that much thought in someone else? That's one thing I really appreciate about your posts. I don't know why you're giving it away, but I'm happy to receive."
If I didn't get messages like that once in a while, I just wouldn't bother any more.
To be replied to in a manner that directly or indirectly suggests I'm have not been e.g. empathetic in my reply....sorry. I will not accept that. Disagree with my thoughts all you want, but don't attack the person behind them. I welcome debate about my ideas, but I will not debate who I am, or what my motives are.
Use I statements. Give examples from your life. Let people take from your message what they wish to take.
I erroneously thought Tabitha was receptive to having ideas about her problem suggested to her. That's how I read her message. Apparently, she was not, and I would not otherwise have addressed ideas in her world. I'm sorry, Tab.
I am not adverse to having people comment about my personal realm. But you should wait for an invite to do so. I literally did that, in this thread. See: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031217/msgs/292078.html
I'm not hypersensitive about my boundaries, but I am very clear on what they are. Sometimes I need to say things about them to make my point. With other people, I never have to say a thing.
I also tried to make the distinction between descriptive language and judgmental language. It's not a moot point to make. I appreciate people describing me and my interactions in descriptive language. That's feedback. But when the words have emotional content, when *I'm* being labelled, expect a reaction. Criticize my ideas, but don't criticize me.
Lar
poster:Larry Hoover
thread:291123
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031217/msgs/292705.html