Posted by Larry Hoover on December 21, 2003, at 8:36:15
In reply to Re: Rampant miscommunication? » tealady, posted by tabitha on December 20, 2003, at 21:06:09
I'm going to open with quotes from two of tealady's posts, as they quite accurately reflect my own perceptions and intent:
to you:
"I haven't been following what had been happening , but just from this thread ..it really did come across to me that you thought you thought you were having a problem communicating."about me:
"which again , to me, just meant:
well I thought it was just me..but if you, yourself, personally, are finding it with others, and thinking you are having a problem yourself, ..then perhaps the fault is not ALL me after all"more about me:
"I just didn't read the post that way at all..more that he was receiving the mixed messages...and was a bit relieved to find the communication problem was not all his, in that others may be having communication problems too...just going by what you posted. I thought he was trying to be helpful in telling you how he was perceiving your messages."Exactly. I'm glad that my message was read that way by somebody, else I'd be thinking I may have another miscommunication problem to work out.
> Tell you what.. if you're OK with being told you give mixed messages and have mutually incompatible thought clusters coming from you.. how about I just give Larry's post to you as a gift? I find it hurtful, coming after some history of offering sincere statements and having them critiqued as being secretly insincere.
I'm sorry you felt my comments were hurtful. I have never said you were insincere, if that is what you implying about me.
I use a "playing catch" metaphor to represent interpersonal communications. One person "throws" an idea, and the other person tries to "catch" it. Miscommunication is when the ball is dropped, and it doesn't much matter whether it's because the throw was off the mark, or the catcher fumbled the ball. If you're the pitcher, you have no control over how the ball is caught. It's out of your control. The only thing you can change is how you throw the next ball.
When I offered up my theory of mixed messages, it may have seemed like I was "blaming" you, but it was an extension of the assumption you were seeking insight. You can't change me, for my part in miscommunication. My comments were about you because that is the only place YOU have power. Absolute power, in fact. I was not labelling you. I thought you were asking, in so many words, "Where might I look?".
> The protective suit is an image my therapist came up with to help me avoid taking others' criticisms to heart, given that what they see is mixed with their own projections.
What was I projecting? Help me with my insight, if you please.
> It's up to me to name what's true for me, and reject the rest.
Exactly the assumption I was assuming you would assume.
> For me, communication breaks down when someone rejects my sincere statements of my own feelings and motivations. Beyond that, I'm just wasting energy fighting off someone's negative perception that doesn't fit.
What did I say that was inherently negative? What did I reject as insincere? Or are you even talking about me?
> I have enough self-criticism. It's time for some self-protection.
A valid concern, but I wasn't throwing fire. Teflon an unanticipated response.
I do not blame you for our miscommunication. I continue to work on my part in dropping the ball. My mentioning what may be your part (merely a suggestion) does not remove the responsibility I face in working on my part....it helps me focus more clearly.
Regards,
Lar
poster:Larry Hoover
thread:291123
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031217/msgs/292078.html